#1: Audemars Piguet Gold Watch ($122,000)
“While wearing my Audemars at Walmart, I noticed a peasant in line in front of me wearing a Rolex (scoff). Normally I don't even glance at the poor but I curiously asked him for the time. He told me 7:56. My Audemars said 7:57. Peasants are always living in the past. Anyway, I had no idea how much Chips Ahoy cookies are, I mean even with my Audemars I don't have time to check the price so I threw a few $100 bills at the cashier and left.As I made my way to the parking lot, I saw the urchin get into last month's Bentley Continental. I just thought to myself: 'I wouldn't be caught dead in something that old, the poor disgust me.' So I hopped into my 2017 Lamborghini and drove off.”
#2: LG Electronics 98-inch 4K Ultra HD 3D Smart LED TV ($32,000)
"I love this TV!!! I work at Burger King during the day but picked up a job moonlighting at 7-11 to help pay for it. I have been robbed 8 times and was stabbed 3 of those times but it’s so worth it. The 2 day shipping was spot on. The C-17 air drop was fairly accurate as it landed in my neighbor’s backyard. Once I sedated his pit bull I began to tear down the fence. I wasn’t able to move the TV on my own so I had to go to the local Home Depot and hire 4 undocumented workers to move it into my house. It cost me an additional $3.50 (an expense I didn’t budget for) but they got it into the living room and set it up for me.That was a week ago, the undocumented workers from Home Depot haven’t left yet and invited more of their family over, something about squatters rights or something? I don’t know, I don’t speak their language. Anyhow Telemundo is crystal clear. I couldn’t be happier."
#3: Sigma 200-500mm Telephoto Zoom Lens ($25,999)
“I rented this lens after I passed the background check so I could go birding. Saw a nesting and pointed the lens, soon as it came into focus the poor thing dropped dead from the suns reflection off the lens. So I headed off to a shelter. I saw a beautiful wood duck framed in the viewfinder.I tell you what, I was not ready for the recoil when I hit the shutter release. The whole thing rocked on the tripod and gave me a black eye. The duck was gone, nothing but feathers on the water. I checked the image on the Canon, captured it beautifully just before the duck exploded. Can’t wait for deer season, hope to catch some bucks fighting and use the antlers to make the frame.”
#4: Glass Christmas Ornament, “Towarich Santa” ($42,595)
“There was always something missing from our holidays. Year after year, the family would gather and decorate our humble little tree. Sure, we would laugh, take pictures, and tell ourselves this was a special time, a memory to hold on to. But I think we all knew we were kidding ourselves.Not this year. I surprised the wife and kids with three of these bad boys. They were a little surprised at first because the lighting was bad in the shelter we had to move into, but after they saw the 'Towarich Santas' in natural light, I could tell they knew this was what we had always been waiting for."
#5: Annie's Homegrown Mac & Cheese, 6 oz. ($109)
"I was so happy to have found Annie's Homegrown Gluten-Free Rice Pasta and Cheddar dinners for my family. When I looked at the wholesome ingredients and researched the way they sourced their ingredients, I was sold. The rice is cultivated in rich volcanic soils that use dragon fecal matter as a growth catalyst. The cheddar, grown in a small village in Wisconsin has some of the richest, and creamiest milks known to man, fortified with 24k gold to give the macaroni its distinct and unique color. The people there are artisans of cheese production, and ensure all the cheeses mature properly unlike the folks at Cheese-Its.""All of this sold me in buying these in bulk until I noticed that shipping is not covered. I don't care how good a macaroni is, $24.99 for shipping is absurd. Highly disappointed."