The original meaning of the word "conversion" (from Greek: metanoia) has been largely lost due to a moralistic and voluntarist reduction of the term. Many times it is simplified in statements such as "change attitude", "have a greater commitment", "be more supportive", etc. Other times it is affirmed: "conversion is all life", which hides a constant postponement and the risk of never becoming. Although it is true that conversion is not once and for all and requires a constant renewal, especially preached in each Lent, it is no less true that this expression refers to a decisive moment in life: to decide for God in a radical way (up to the estate).
I want and I do not want!
The experience of one's own contradiction before God is a constant in the Christian life, in that tension between grace and sin, between wanting and seeking God and not letting oneself be loved by him, standing on one's own assurances. St. Paul and St. Augustine speak of it with profound clarity. Our restless heart seeks God, we long to be loved unconditionally and we long for his presence. But we also avoid it, run away from it and do not want to risk getting too close. Many times God is kept at a distance, "close, but not so much". It is not easy to let yourself be loved by an unlimited love! It scares a little.
The first obstacle to the conversion itself is to leave God in a very limited role in our life, as someone else, as something else, among other things. We are willing to do many things for God, but not to give him the heart, not to give him his whole life. Even our religious occupations can be an excuse to avoid it. If we want to sincerely allow God to enter our lives and transform them, we must radically change our way of thinking and living. Metanoia is a radical change of mind and heart, a turning point towards God, making him the center of all existence.
The closer we are to God, the more clearly we realize how great is the wall we have erected to defend ourselves from his love. We cling to our own securities: money, activities, relationships, intellectual convictions, career, image, health, physical appearance, achievements, etc. In these things we find our security and take the place of God. This is what the Bible calls "idolatry."
Do not let yourself be loved
We are all free to reject the love of God, because true love does not impose itself, nor does it pressure anyone. Sin is nothing other than this rejection, shielding yourself against your love by saying: "no thanks, I do not need you, for now, not so, I'm fine". That is why all sin is a form of self-upheaval, of trying to build happiness with your back to God.
When we do not let ourselves be loved by God, we build a wall around our heart and, over time, we become prisoners of our own Tower of Babel, locked in our own strength. And this affects our relationships with others, because when I am afraid of love, others become a constant threat to me, and I relate superficially with others, not from my authenticity.
On the other hand, when I believe God, when in the depths of my heart I know I am loved, I can open myself to others without preventions or fears.