Sometime in 2010, Jane M. Waterman, currently a professor in the University of Minnesota published a paper named "The Adaptive Function of Masturbation in a Promiscuous African Ground Squirrel".
I just finished reading it and I must say a big THANK YOU, as it is the funniest scientific paper I have read in like forever XD
I don't know the exact hows and whys, but at some point Jane decided to observe the masturbatory habits of male african ground squirrels (Xerus inauris) and the factors that influence it. Maybe she had nothing better to do or maybe she gets turned on by squirrels.. Who knows!
Well, what I know is that she actually spent over 2000 hours watching squirrels from afar with a set of binoculars and taking notes of when and how these little fellas played with their little dicks!
The paper that resulted from her work is simply hilarious. Just have a look at these two quotes:
"An oral masturbation was recorded when a male sat with head lowered and an erect penis in his mouth, being stimulated with both mouth (fellatio) and forepaws (masturbation), while the lower torso moved forward and backwards in thrusting motions, finally culminating in an apparent ejaculation, after which the male appeared to consume the ejaculate. Because both the mouth and forepaws were used during this behaviour, I will use the term masturbation. "
" All 20 of the males observed masturbated to ejaculation and consumed the ejaculate. "
But why do squirrels masturbate? And why the heck do they eat their ejaculate? Well, Jane has some answers but first let me give you some insight into mammal masturbation, in case you think it's something rare.
Actually, most if not all mammals like to jerk it of every now and then. Even those that have a hard time due to anatomical reasons... Take this walrus for example:
Heck, even dolphins do it! And since it's impossible to reach their dicks with their fins, they have to get a bit more creative. Just look at this dolphin, using a dead fish as a fleshlight:
It looks so happy, doesn't it ? :)
Ok back to squirrels now! Is there some specific reason they masturbate or they just do it for the fun of it?
To find out, Jane started with all the basic theories behind mammalian masturbation and based on her observations she excluded them one by one until she found the one that made the most sense.
In total, she started with 6 theories, below Ι will cite the three simplest ones, you can always check out the actual paper if you want to learn more:
Hypothesis 1# - The sexual outlet hypothesis
The sexual outlet hypothesis is exactly what it sounds to be. It predicts that males that don't have much luck with the ladies masturbate more often to release all that extra tension, while the ones that get all the pussy masturbate less.
In the case of squirrels though it didn't make much sense as the ones that got all the pussy tended to rub one off more often than the ones that had no sex... Hmmmm...
Hypothesis 2# - The sperm quality hypothesis
For species that this hypothesis applies, males tend to jerk one off more often when females are in oestrus and prior to the main act. This is done so that their sperm is as "fresh" and "fertile" as it can prior to sex. Again, this theory didn't make much sense because males tended to masturbate after sex and not before, suggesting that masturbation is not done to improve sperm quality.
Hypothesis 3# - Genital Grooming
Under this hypothesis, males tend to masturbate more often on the days of oestrus and after sex to reduce the chances of getting infected with a sexually transmitted infection. And this is exactly what Jane observed, concluding that masturbation in squirrels probably functions as a form of genital grooming.
As to why they always eat their ejaculate, her best guess was to " prevent moisture loss. " XD
Of the 6 hypotheses examined to explain the function of masturbation in Cape ground squirrels, four were unsupported by the data. Masturbation as a mechanism to reduce STIs had the most support.
Multiple mating by females as well as males is much more common than previously recognized and can positively affect fitness, but the risks of STIs are not as well-documented in wildlife. Exploring masturbation as a mechanism to reduce STIs in males may explain some of the masturbation patterns seen in multimale-multifemale primate groups and even humans.
The End
Damn, I think that was an epic post. You just learned that those cute little animals like to play, self-suck and swallow their dicks and even got to see a walrus jerking and a dolphin having sex with a dead fish. What more could you have asked?
You are welcome.
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