Have you ever wondered which superpower would be the best to have? No? Are you currently thinking: Doesn’t this person have anything useful to think about?
Why, yes, I do! I need to write like a two-bazillion-word report for school but since the deadlines are in a few days, I am more tempted to procrastinate by thinking of important matters of the heart. At this moment, my heart wants to know which superpower would be the most dope one!
After all, what if I suddenly saw a radioactive spider and strangely looking lightings in the sky at the same time? Should I maniacally run into the storm? Or should I give myself up to the bloody spider (instead of my standard screaming and running around, flailing my arms in the air)? What if I ended up with some totally lame powers (like Toad or…or Matter Eater Lad *shudders*)?
Let’s have a rundown of the 9 most “common” powers from worst to best!
9. Invisibility
Turning invisible certainly doesn’t sound bad. However, I like to think I have already mastered this power, seeing as people barely notice me, be it at the night out with colleagues or at the emergency room. The only times I get noticed are the times when I get in trouble – what a strange correlation…
Pros: Spying on people (Peeping Tom style!); staying overnight in IKEA to play in the giant all-ball playground (which is apparently not allowed for adults)
Cons: Being most likely blind (Apparently, your eyes couldn’t work properly without the light being reflected off the cornea of your eye – the light would just pass through, making you blind!)
8. Omniscience
I once asked a guy I fancied which superpower he’d like to have. He said he would have liked to know EVERYTHING. Considering he was already a giant mansplainer, it was not a surprising answer. I still thought it was pretty lame, though.
Pros: Proudly calling myself a know-it-all and it would be actually true!
Cons: The crippling pressure of responsibility to develop cures for noncommunicable diseases, figure out solutions for global warming and come up with an explanation for the mystery of the missing socks after each laundry session.
7. Super strength/speed
When asked, one of my male friends immediately replied that super strength was the power to die for. When I asked him what he would do with it, he just said: “You know, to lift things and impress girls!”
*eye roll*
My philosophy is that pen is mightier than a sword…because you can poke someone’s eyes out influence people with your wise words.
Pros: Taking on bullies; winning marathons in a matter of seconds
Cons: Breaking every single thing I take in my hands; getting rid of stacks of burnt shoes
6. Flight
Do you ever have those flying dreams where you mightily fly around feeling free?
Me neither! I only dream of falling and being violently murdered. Sweet talk aside, to be able to fly sounds really good…until you forget you are wearing a skirt/kilt. Then I would just knowingly plummet to the ground, hoping to stay there buried forever.
Pros: Bungee jumping without the bungee; flying around in a giant lizard costume and scaring the shit out of people
Cons: Flying when it’s not sunny and warm (Seriously, do you know how cold and windy it gets high up in the sky??)
5. Teleportation
Have you ever watched the movie The Fly? Watching Jeff Goldblum merge DNA with an insect and run around as a giant mutant fly successfully put me off researching anything about teleporting.
Also, I’ve become an expert fly exterminator. No clueless scientist is developing a taste for shit on my watch!
Pros: Not wasting my time with transport
Cons: Wasting my time with other shit than transport
4. Precognition
Seeing the future is the wet dream of every trader and investor. Had you been able to accurately predict the 2017 Bitcoin craze, you would have started hodling already 1 year ago! By this time, you would be driving around in your Lambo and rolling naked in money, instead of sitting alone in a shitty flat and eating yesterday’s leftovers.
Pros: Calling my boyfriend out on infidelity even before he does it; robbing casinos in broad daylight
Cons: Never having a surprise party; being prohibited from entering all casinos
3. Telekinesis (moving objects with your mind)
This was my favourite power growing up! You know those lazy days when you’re just lying in front of the telly, suddenly wanting to watch Gordon Ramsay’s rants instead of the 100th re-run of Friends, but the tv remote is just too damn far from you? You must actually peel yourself off the couch and…move.
Who needs that?
Pros: Never having to leave the bed (What? I’d have a portable toilette! #lifegoals); randomly pranking people
Cons: Is there any disadvantage to this?!
2. Mind Control
Controlling the minds of those around you is like…the ultimate fantasy of every sociopath. I would make people forget everything embarrassing I have ever done...which means they would probably forget my existence altogether.
Pros: Making my crush love me forever; forcing people to worship me
Cons: Being surrounded by mindless yes-people
1. Immortality
Pros: Living forever.
Cons: Living forever!
‘nuff said!
Even though I put immortality as number one, the case is still not closed! I’ve just tried to reach for a tomato dressing on the counter and after several colourful words I finally picked my arse up to walk around and get it. Ah, how I wished to be telekinetic at that moment!
…Or to mind-force my loud flatmate to zip it when I’m trying to focus on this obviously important article. Of course, I could just politely ask her to do that.
Superpowers are just wishful thinking to make our lives easier. We all need to battle our laziness, overcome our shyness and take risks with what we have – ordinary human brain and a short lifespan.
Good luck out there!
P.S. If you are actually still deciding which superpower to require from a genie in a bottle or a crazed scientist, go for this quiz.
Nothing beats Stapler Hands or Ham Face!!