Looking for feedback on the writing style, not content. This is a #screenplay based on a true story of an #officer undercover in the Mafia.
Based on true events and written by
Paul Manning
Adapted from the book by Paul Manning
- The Pilot –
Season 1 Episode 1
‘This Thing Of Ours’
EXT. COMMERCIAL UNIT - DAY
(Brooklyn, New York 1997). We see John Pascasi (70’s). A lean, hooked nosed man, wearing sunglasses, dark suit and long overcoat. A Mafia boss. He walks in through the front doors.
INT. COMMERCIAL UNIT – DAY
We see Jackie Bucklinni (60’s). A smaller man, with glasses, an enforcer for John. He’s seated behind a desk in the office. John comes in, takes off and hangs his overcoat. He leaves his sunglasses on.
JACKIE
Morning John.
JOHN
You do your rounds Jackie?
JACKIE
I did John. We’re good.
Someone knocks on the front door. Jackie sits still, John looks at him.
JOHN
Fuckin’ doors not gonna answer itself Jackie.
Jackie gets up to answer the door. O.S. we hear the door open.
JACKIE
I’ll see if he’s here.
Jackie comes back in the room.
JACKIE
It’s for you John.
JOHN
Who is it?
JACKIE
How the fuck would I know?
JOHN
What you didn’t fukin’ ask? Ah, fuhgeddaboutit!
Jackie shrugs his shoulders. John grabs his cigarettes from his overcoat pocket and leaves before Jackie can answer, shaking his head in disbelief.
EXT. COMMERCIAL UNIT – DAY
John goes outside to be greeted by Mantock. Mantock is nervous; John being more than familiar with people being nervous around him thinks nothing of it. John lights a cigarette before he speaks.
JOHN
What can I do for you?
MANTOCK
(stutters nervously)
I need to talk with you about the Muscolino’s.
John nods giving him permission.
MANTOCK
They owe money…a lot. I need to collect. I’ve been paid to collect. I just wanna make sure I can do that without issue.
JOHN
Is this gonna be a ‘good thing’?
MANTOCK
No, it’s gonna be a very bad thing.
John takes a drag on his cigarette and walks past Mantock with his back to him. He doesn’t consider Mantock a threat. He thinks for a couple of seconds, without turning back to face Mantock.
JOHN
Do what you want. I’m not going to get involved.
Before John can turn back around Mantock produces a revolver from his jacket pocket and shoots the aging mobster in the back of the head. John falls to the ground. Mantock stands for a second, before looking to his right. Jackie can be seen stood there, watching. Eyes lock. Mantock nods and Jackie nods back before walking calmly back into the commercial unit via the rear entrance.
INT. COMMERCIAL UNIT – DAY
Jackie walks back in the office, picks up the phone and dials.
INT. LOG CABIN – DAY
Frank Pascasi (70’s), John’s brother is sat by a fireplace reading. The phone rings and he answers. O.S. we hear Jackie.
JACKIE
Johnny’s down!
Without emotion Frank puts down the phone and stares into the fireplace.