I have tried suicide twice.
That, and one of my earliest memories is me keeping my breath as a kid, in bed before falling asleep, because my kid-logic thought that would mean I wouldn't wake up in the morning.
Shit, I don't know any ten year-old who thinks like this, and it's part of the reason I'm convinced there's something wrong with my brain. Kids don't do that stuff.
As a 31-year old with depression, OCD, antisocial, history of drugs and suicide attempts, what are realistic ways to decrease my unhappiness?
I have (almost completely) decided to try to outlive my parents, and preferably my sister, too. (However, the thought of my parents dying causes serious panic attacks).
Question is: what can I do to decrease the amount of evenings I cry myself to sleep for no apparent reason?
The second question: Music can have such a strong effect on my emotions that I have been avoiding all TV and radio for years. Does anyone else do this? What's it called?
Third one: As an addict who uses about 3 grams of good street quality "speed" (amphetamine, not meth) a day, what effects can I expect in 2, 5, 10, 20 years?
I have been using speed daily for over a year now. Without interruptions. I daily take an SNRI, an NDRI, 2 kinds of antipsychotics and a beta-blocker, after being officially diagnosed as having : schizoid personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, severe depression, severe OCD and an IQ of 134.
I think that these questions sum up nicely the situation I'm in right now. Unfortunately, Quora is full of politically correct writers, so the answers were very disappointing. Which is why I'm trying again as a Secret Writer on Steemit. Thanks to 
If you talk to me, there's no sign of any of the above. I'm not visibly suicidal, I'm even quite funny. I'm not an obvious junkie, I have a well-paid job which I've had for years. I own a house, have a company car, eat well and generally seem content.
Yet, there's not a day that I don't think about suicide. I could be talking to my boss about some project at work, while my thoughts are focused on possible methods I could use.
However, as you can see, I have decided to try to outlive my parents and my sister. I just can't handle the thought of them being hurt by my selfish escape. So now I wait.
To make the wait bearable, I am a hardcore substance abuser. I honestly believe I was born with a deficiency of several chemicals that the brain needs to function, like serotonin and dopamine. I'm a toxico-maniac, a self-medicator.
Unfortunately, I'm rapidly getting such a huge tolerance for my drugs, that the positive effects are long gone. I just use them not to collapse now.
Which brings me to the point of my story: what do I do?
I have no options left. Don't say therapy, I've tried and tried but I can see right through it. I experience no pleasure, except from very high doses of certain drugs. I have to survive for my close family, but I don't want to spend the following 40 years feeling like this.
I wish I was never born.
But I can't let my parents find out I feel this way, it would hurt them so much. Any advice appreciated.
-Secret Writer
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