Many of us who grew up in dysfunctional families never learned to set boundaries. As a daughter of strict immigrant parents, I learned that if I tried to assert myself as an individual, my boundaries were repeatedly violated until I felt helpless and incapable of leading my own life. This impacted my early adulthood but more seriously, it set the tone for one horrible relationship after another. Toxic or abusive individuals have zero respect for your right to determine what you want to do with your life so they prey on those with weak boundaries. I was an easy target.
Encouraged by my therapist, I created a non-negotiable contract to help me communicate my boundaries in a way that was both respectful but firm. Boundaries can be basic or specific but ideally they provide a template of what you won’t tolerate in any relationship. Defining your boundaries will help you recognize when a line has been crossed so that you can address it immediately by either ending a toxic interaction or asserting yourself with a statement or action that will reinforce your boundary. By having firm boundaries in place, we –not others—declare what we will or won’t tolerate in our relationships at work, with friends and family, or with our partner.
Something important to keep in mind unless you're in training to be a control freak or toxic vampire: Boundary setting is not about controlling a situation or telling other people what they should do; it’s about how you respond to what they do and following through with consequences. By setting and reinforcing consequences, you teach people how to treat you. Those who can’t be taught are eliminated from your life, and the sooner the better since feeling wronged or disrespected typically leads to resentment or shame. Ultimately, setting and maintain boundaries is about taking responsibility for your own life because there isn't anything more pathetic than being someone's bitch.
As an example, in the past I could be easily manipulated into changing my plans in order to accommodate someone else. An acquaintance would call me up to invite me for coffee "to pick my brain" and I would automatically agree and ask her when and where. I would adjust MY schedule and often go out of my way to meet with this person where I would then allow them to suck my energy for longer than I had prepared for, and then when it was time to leave, I would pick up the check. Yes, I would pick up the check--how crazy is that? I would mentally beat myself up for being such a pushover and so needy of validation that I would jump at the chance to waste my time and energy on someone who would never return the favor. Even worse, I would play the martyr and share my frustration with a close friend or partner only to have them throw it back in my face later to shame me.
Strangely, at the time I considered myself to be quite independent and self-motivated. In many aspects of my life I was independent, ambitious, self-driven. But actions tell the truth and my actions were that of a woman who lacked a sense of self-worth, who didn’t trust in her ability to say no in a way that would not lead to confrontation, and who was unwilling to address the very real passive aggressive nature of my complaining. (By the way, I have learned why I do this and have been able to trace it to childhood but for the sake of brevity will focus on going forward rather than discuss the origins of my shame/guilt complex. I also don’t want the process of my new work in boundary building to get bogged down in what could be a very dull flashback story. Some of you may have already stopped reading or are doing your own interpretation of "The Scream" by Edvard Munch so I had better get to the point!).
So, let's move on to my list of boundaries. I've posted ten that I'm currently working on but there will be more to come as I revisit previous interactions and free myself from restrictive and harmful relationship patterns. I’ve also found that writing down a list of possible situations or questions and sketching out my responses in advance has worked well for me since my default is always to compromise or back down. I'm not ready to share my entire list of prepared responses since it's still a work-in-progress but I will do so in a future blog post.
My Boundaries
• I will guard my personal safety. You can walk home at midnight after a night out but I won't be joining you. Nor will I allow you to drive me home after you've had a little too much to drink regardless of how much you insist. I won't cave in under pressure because I value my life--even though you so clearly don't.
• I will guard my finances. In the past I’ve lent money with the understanding that it would be repaid, or I've trusted others to manage my money (like my ex who promptly claimed it as his own), or gone into business with somebody who made poor decisions without my input or agreement. Never again. In future, a request will be met with the following statement: “No." (Please note that NO is a complete sentence and I will not modify it in order to sound nicer.)
• I won’t be your Flying Monkey. Any attempt to involve me in something that will cause harm or grief to somebody else will be met with raised eyebrows and “You can’t possibly be serious. I would never do that.” (To those innocents who have never been in a relationship with a personality disordered individual, please see http://facesofnarcissism.com/2015/03/23/472/ for a detailed explanation.)
• I will speak up when somebody is abusing another person and I will contact the authorities. When I saw my neighbour loudly berate his daughter and then strike her on the face, I immediately called the police. His wife came over to tell me to mind my own business but I let her know that if I ever heard another peep from that child, I would call the police again. In the past, I had pretended not to hear...
• Do not try to manipulate or discredit me so that your hands stay clean while I’m thrown under the bus BECAUSE I WILL SPEAK UP. The days when I would tolerate this sort of thing in order to protect a so-called friend or partner are long over. When somebody asks me to do something that goes against my values, my answer is "No, and please don't ask me again because I'd hate to end our friendship."
• Don’t snoop while you’re a guest in my home. I have nothing to hide but your lack of respect for my privacy speaks volumes and I will never invite you to my home again. And yes, I can tell if you’ve opened the medicine cabinet, rifled through my cosmetics drawer or attempted to log onto my laptop. If you're looking for aspirin or would like to use my computer to check your email, ASK ME FIRST!
• I never comment on a person’s physical appearance—like ever—so I don’t appreciate it when you feel the need to comment (unfavorably) on my choice of clothes, my hairstyle, or my decision to keep the small mole on my cheek. The next time you offer your unsolicited advice on my appearance or wardrobe, I will laugh and say, "I don't remember asking for your advice." (I have to work on a better response than this--suggestions?)
• Don't keep me waiting. Like seriously, we all have busy lives and complicated schedules and your habit of showing up 30 minutes late for a lunch meeting or weekend get-together is disrespectful. I will let you know that if you're more than 20 minutes late, I'll leave and do something else. Do it twice and I'll stop making or agreeing to plans with you. (I give my family a pass since my mother and sister are never on time for anyone!)
• Distorting the truth or spreading gossip in order to portray an event or a person in a bad light in order to manipulate my opinions on said event or person is a definite no-no. I will let you know that I don't want to listen to gossip and that if it continues I will leave and do something else. (This may sound difficult to put into practice but I've done it twice--once at lunch when two colleagues were dissing a new employee, and once with my sister who was bad-mouthing our cousin. Both times, I simply got up from the table and left with a cheerful goodbye.)
• When my colleague comes to my office and tries to monopolize my time with long stories about her personal life, I will interrupt her (politely) after five minutes and let her know that I need to return to my work. Too often, I've ended up as a sounding board for people who then later avoid me once they realize they've shared too much.
I'm curious to know if any of you are going through a boundary building exercise of your own. What boundaries have you set for yourself, and what have been the results?