In my ever-evolving quest for finding my path and place in life I recurringly hit a wall of some sort. I think I know where I am headed, I make plans to tackle it head-on only to find out the hard way that it obviously isn't what I was supposed to find. I go around in circles and the more I do the less likely it seems I am getting anywhere. And how could i?
I can tell by the inner state of resistance, gushes of depression almost that hit out of the blue without any apparent reason on the objective level, I feel what some have called "lost" though I am already doing things inspired by clarity of intent and focus in direction - it still seems that the cosmic feedback seems to leave me again and again though I feel it's probably just a way of ego-proliferation. "Look how hurt I am!"
There always are reasons of course but initially they don't seem to be so burdensome until the mind has entertained them long enough - then they tend to become bigger than I ever could imagine and they start gnawing at me.
Time and time again I find myself in this position, I lack humour and a care-free state of mind and I get hung-up on the mind-chatter that is becoming too much to just let go off.
Since yesterday had just been such a day and today started out a similar way I need to write this down for myself in the future, and add it to that series of reminders to myself. The strategy that solved it for me yesterday was to shut off the mind temporarily, by dropping everything and resting the body for an hour to 90 minutes. Laying on my back closing the eyes and entering a state reminiscent of sleep but not quite, a welcome in-between-worlds-dangling of the awareness that feels as refreshing as a nap but allows certain inner obsession tendencies to be let go off with more ease it seems.
I have often felt that coming back from such a meditative session in the sleeping position had helped me immensely to get some distance between the personified and identified "me" and the objects of my obsessions that have driven my emotional world inside to drive me so restless and non-happy.
I come back to the place I had left earlier with all the upheaval inside and there is more clarity now, more focus and more ease with the flow of things as they arise and happen.
I am again amazed at just how easy it is for me to forgot how to unplug from my own over-identification of my role, and how often I have already done this only to find out just how much it serves me.
It's like I constantly and recurringly need to catch myself doing that overdramatizing self-portrayal of the poor little me, getting the idea to unplug, only to come back and realize it is what I always do to get myself back to center. And I can almost glimpse this in itself is the point of it all. To show me that there really is nothing I could be doing other than what I am doing. and the whole negativity and dissonance from inside of me started with the assumption that I could do anything about it consciously at all which isn't quite the same as repeatedly falling into the hole, getting to the point of don't care that makes the ego drop it all on its own...
If you don't see what I mean here, I'm sorry. I feel it will however serve as a good reminder to myself next time I feel this way. In the futile hope that it will enable me to do anything about it before the point of 'don't care' that always comes regardless of what I do.
Anything beyond that point feels like fully detached liberation, a sense of outcome independence and freedom. Only, the ego resists getting there at every turn.
Get with it. It is how it is. Trust it.
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