Some people are cool.
Some people are nice.
Some people are funny.
*disclaimer, this might be intense.
I first realised there was something abnormal when i was about 16. I started behaving recklessly, drinking in excess and taking low key drugs. I still do all those things now on occasion, and by no means think they are the beginning of a road to nowhere, but for me it was definitely a cry for help. I had a vile on/off boyfriend and spent time alone in my room thinking of ways to die.
DEEP. It was horrible, and I often think back on how my mum must have felt as she watched me destroy myself, but then I just became fine. I broke up with the guy, started uni, made new friends, all was well.
I just assumed this was normal teenage stuff, but I self diagnosed at about 18. After being so embarrassed I might have mental health problems I paid £50 per hour to see a counsellor. He was ok, but he wanted me to know what was wrong with me and explain how I felt, but I never knew, so it was impossible.
I spent YEARS toying with the idea that the world was better off without me, and trying to explain away my depression.
I got Citalopram in the end, and it has been a life saver. But the taboo we still have around mental health means I have only confided in 4 people about my diagnosis and I find it hard to bring up even with them.
The NHS are amazing, and this drug makes me feel ME to the point where I can think about a life beyond it.
The point of this post was to be about humour, and I've derailed so heavily that I'm emotional..
BUT, basically I struggle the most because I've self loathed my entire life, and my entire humour is based upon that. People often describe me as funny & shady, because it's all I know. Real life terrifies me & Current Affairs do nothing but enhance my depression, so I like to keep it lols. It backfires on those rare times where you're feeling completely hopeless and need it to not be bants, cos you just 'can't even'.
Anyway - a big LOVE to anyone going through anything gross and sad, that they can't explain or don't want to. And also to say it gets better, I think I am at the point where I almost love myself.
CHAZ XOXO
ps. if you relate to this pic, can we be friends?
