Painting by Dahlia Hammar

Throughout the years, the process of writing has shaped my journey of self expression. I wrote words to comfort, I wrote words to heal, yet I have never tackled the pain I felt in the first place.

I never talked about anxiety or depression, because I had internalised the stigma that surrounds mental health.

There are between 42.5 to 46 million adults in the U.S. that have some type of mental illness. One in four adults experience mental illness in a given time of their life, yet the lack of knowledge, education and acceptance is huge.

In the past decades I suffered on and off from anxiety and depression, and I chose myself to live in the denial.
I didn’t want to be sick, I didn’t want to acknowledge that I needed help because of the wrong beliefs that shaped my thoughts.
Yet, I missed out on so many things because I didn’t know how to deal with myself.

I missed out on opportunities to learn and grow, because I thought I would never be good enough to worth trying.

I missed out in opportunities to bond with people because I convinced myself I didn’t know how to love them.
But most of all, I missed opportunities to be truly happy, because I was addicted to the state of pain I was in.

And when you realise that pain is your comfort zone, you know that you want to move away from that place as soon as possible.

My block with acknowledging my pain came from two misleading beliefs.
The fist was that, If I'd share my pain, other's perception of me would be shaped in a negative way and people would treat me differently.
The second came from the thought that, If I'd seek for help, I would be given meds; and because I saw what it did to people around me, I promised myself I’d never take that path to heal myself.

Artwork by Pedro Tapa: https://www.instagram.com/pedrotapa/?hl=en

I remember a time when I was lying in bed, holding my head, trying to shut down the flow of thoughts that was craving emptiness within me.

I took a deep breath in, I exhaled and I started to count. “One, two, three…” I whispered all the way to ten, and then I started again. The repeating pattern gave my mind something to focus on, while the breathing would soften the grasp holding my heart so tightly.
I tried for days, weeks, months to deal with something I didn't understand.
But all the way I kept following a voice inside me telling me that everything would be fine, that I just had to keep going.
Until today, I bless having been able to pick up on that divine voice, for most of the time we don't get to hear its whispering through the loudness of our own thoughts.

At the time, I was scared of being alone; I would always keep my mind busy, I would avoid silence just not to hear the noise inside my head.

Until I realised that the only path to healing was to fell in love with myself. I had to be the starting point.

One day I took the courage to look at the darkness inside me, and I stretched my imagination to picture the most beautiful garden, telling myself "This is the place you will never want to run away from".
I figured out that I could change that picture and create within me a place of light.
I planted grains of love and kindness, and I stopped thinking that I was in a battle with anyone or anything.
I told myself "I am here to treat you with love and self care", and I made friends with all the darkness inside.
When I let it speak, the pain voiced out its duty to remind me that there was much more to life that I could see; changing the way I felt about anxiety and depression dropped a huge weight from my heart; I felt like I had finally opened my eyes to all the things I could do to craft pain into happiness.

Now, although I cut the story short, I can reassure you that it took time and patience to get to this state of awareness, and that nothing happened in a snap of fingers.

Pain doesn't fade from a day to another, yet you learn how to deal with it, how to mould it to keep only what serves you. You learn to acknowledge and honour it, and then to let it go.

My biggest motivation to work on my pain has been the desire to help others, and the truth is, that you can’t really help anyone until you help yourself.
If you want to love others, learn to love yourself. If you want to give to others, learn to create within you what you are willing to give away.

Wherever you are in the journey, don't forget to water your garden, for that's where all the beauty you can create in your life blossoms.

Artwork by Pride Nyasha: https://www.instagram.com/Pride_Nyasha