Today, I'm writing much earlier than I have in ages. As I sit here, I realize that the fact that I'm doing so is a reflection of my work habit this last week or so. Reflection on the things that have been getting in my way has allowed me to more effectively prioritize my time and energy toward the tasks that are most important to me. Somehow, facing these things and espousing them in the open air of a public forum has created an extra layer of accountability to my life. It is almost annoying, how effective it is, because it means that I am still doing things more so because I care what people think of me than what I want for myself. This is a simple, yet sobering thought. My name is Josh and I am a recovering people pleaser. No matter why I'm motivated to do this, I'm going to use this as a motivation and for now I'll allow it to influence the subject matter as well.
For a long time, I thought that being a people pleaser meant that someone was placid and agreeable, so there was no way I was a people pleaser because I was abrasive and argumentative. There was no way that I was a people pleaser. I was a people dis-pleaser! I went out of my way to make sure that people knew that. Was that because I didn't care about what people around me thought, like I told myself, or was that behavior only exhibiting because I had a crippling need to be liked? I'm not sure that I can answer that completely accurately, and I'm okay with that, because it's in the past and that version of myself is long since dead. I've accepted my past failures from small to spectacularly big. It took some time to realize that I was carrying around all that dead weight with me, but cutting that cord was the best damn thing I ever did.
Looking back in my life, I know that there's a few handfuls of defining moments that have shaped my life and I'm going to share one in particular right now, because it has led me to the greatest opportunities to move on with my life, uninhibited by the weight of thoughts that would otherwise drag me down like an anchor to the deepest depths of the unexplored oceans. There was a moment of realization that I had one night in my twenties in the middle of the night when I was snapped awake with a deep seeded burden of anguish and guilt for something that had happened years ago. Shooting up in bed, still justifiably single- as I hadn't learned the lessons needed to be emotionally invested in a domestic partnership of any seriousness, I sat alone in my bed in anguish. There is a special kind of anguish that exists when you hold onto things for years. I'm not certain what would compel me to hold onto the fact that I, one time, at the age of five, pet a cat to gain its' trust just to smack it hard enough to make it yowl and howl and run away. I'm not certain of what thought woke me that night, but that is just one thing in life that I am not proud of that I have forgiven myself for and learned from.
There are many moment of choice in life; there are points in the road which we have the ability to choose which path we will take and they will ultimately determine the length of time it will take to get to the next big intersection. There are people who go through life and drive from intersection to intersection, as if there is nothing in their way and no other choices between them and then there are people like myself. I'm not saying that either one is right. Each person is fundamentally different for reasons, including their own interpretation of the map, the distance and the many amusements and amenities along the way. Knowing this, the moment of realization while wanting to tear off my own skin in the middle of the night for something trivial that had happened years earlier, now makes much more sense to me than it did then. As I sat there, allowing the feeling of helpless, hopeless despair sink in deeper, I realized that I had a choice to make and this choice has undoubtedly compounded each day of my life since then, because of the choice I made.
The choices as I saw them were two fold. Either I go back to sleep, ignoring the insidious and unreasonable dread that was gouging at the very core of my existence and chipping away at the best of me, or I could decide to understand the reason why I'd shot up in an empty bed, in a dark, dank room in the middle of the night from a deep sleep. Had a chose the first option, I don't even want to know where I might be right now or who I would have become. Like I said before, I've been a sight see-er on this road of life, stopping to smell the roses, being blind sided by circumstances created by my decision making, due to a lack of foresight or out of an idealized hubris, fed by an unhealthy and unchecked ego and a lack of social and self awareness. I don't say these things because I hate my former self or to evoke self pity. I need none, want none and deserve none. No matter how embarrassing it might be, I say these things because they are true and pertinent facts that need to be realized in order to convey why this choice continues to compound every day that I continue to honor my agreement to the covenant I made with myself that night. It is my hope that by sharing my experience with you, that you may find some ways to heal and grow as I have.
I know that covenant may sounds like a bit of an overstatement of an agreement with myself, but I assure you, that is exactly what it was, is and will continue to be until the day I die. When I decided that I was going to address the dread and hate that was living in my soul, I decided that sleep that night was an option, as it had been on many nights in those days for various reasons that aren't important right now. Instead of lying to myself, I decided that I was going to have a very honest talk with myself and address the reality of my existence, the direction of my life and state of affairs within my body, mind and soul. I have had many nights such as this since this night, but that's something to address in a different time. For now, I'm going to lay the foundation of the choices I made within the choice to sacrifice sleep for long term sanity and the pursuit of contentment and all that is best in this universe.
Now that I had committed myself to being awake, I was more aware that my heart rate had slowed and my breathing had become more regular. There was no immediate danger. No threat to my life; there was no physical threat. I did, however have to determine what the mental threat was that was at the root of the problem. I don't know what prompted it, but I sat up in bed in the dark room and told myself that I was going to solve this problem right in that moment and that there was never going to be a question of how to deal with it again, because I already had the solution and it was never going to cripple me or my ability to pursue the abundant beauty and love that the universe gives in so many ways. As I sat there, I allowed my inner voice to call out to me and answered its' call to feel every bit of what I was going through. Failed relationships, strains on friendships, difficulty connecting with people in a meaningful and relational way, the weight of every single slight that I had done to anyone and everything; I answered the call to feel every bit of it and take it all on right then and there.
I can not describe how astronomically heavy it was to bear that weight, and as I sat there, I forced myself to dig deeper to every single thing I could think of, including the times that I had burnt ants with the magnifying glass or attempted to light my sister's favorite shoes on fire for whatever super justifiable reason I had at the time. I'll be perfectly candid, because this was so heavy- I don't know if this is for everyone and you have to know yourself well enough to know if you can handle it. I found it completely transformational and, without a doubt, it was one of the most important things I did in my life as an intentional, living being. As the weight of it all threatened to break me, I could feel my breathing begin to get labored and my body to get tight and quivery. I held that weight, telling myself that it was mine to bear until I found the solution and that there would be no rest until that solution was found.
Tired and dreary; as I lay, now, completely exhausted and engulfed with all of the fear, rage, self loathing, judgment and confusion, the solution came to me. The reason for all of the weight was because I had not let anything go. Ever. The cumulative weight of my entire human experience weighed on me in every moment of every day, waiting to be unearthed by a passing comment, glance, touch or smell. In my thoughts and in my dreams, I had become a prisoner to my own existence and if I didn't learn how to let go, it was going to destroy everything that was good in me. Realizing this, I began to do, just that. Laying there in my dark room, I allowed the weight to lift off me, one experience at a time. Envisioning each experience and living it for a brief moment, allowing it to make a mark on my soul, I embraced the nature of my finite existence by acknowledging those experiences and the ways in which they'd marked me. One by one, I allowed the weight to be lifted off of me as I forgave myself for things I'd done and those things done to me, for which I held personal responsibility due to the decisions I'd made that I could have changed if I had only know the outcomes. I let go of any and all transgressions that I had with anyone, anywhere, any time and the ones I had with myself and I forgave myself for each one as it wrote its' signature on my soul to leave its' defining lessons, which I vowed to share with others in due time.
In that moment, as I wrestled with the last weights- as it was not an effortless battle, but a bloody and grueling war between the lies and the truth of my true self, my ego and my mind, I finally began to feel lighter. It was in that moment, as that weight lifted, that I signed the covenant to myself that I would never carry that weight again and let the final weight write the signature on my soul as it lifted and burned in the fires of contempt for a past self that I would now accept, love and embrace. Flaws and all, from that day forward, I was a new person. The defining principle of this covenant, the tool that allows me to continue to serve my true self and my intentional reality, is my ability to let experiences be felt in the moment and to let them go immediately after the learning of the lesson. In allowing this to be my reality, instead of remembering the emotion of the experience, itself, I now remember the lesson, because the experience of the moment is in the past, but the lesson resonates forward in time for eternity. The lesson compounds with each common experience and teaches me how to better acknowledge the beauty of the world amongst the numerous challenges. Although I vowed to share my experience with others, this is one experience I never thought I'd be willing to share in an open forum, for the public eye to see.
I can't say for sure what would have challenged my perspective on such a thing, but I know now that I can heal through the intention to do so and grow beyond what I ever thought possible, so long as I don't break my covenant to myself. The only limitations that are real are those which we construct for ourselves and the only thing stopping us from reaching the depths yet unknown are the prisons which we allow ourselves to build within our own minds, souls, egos or consciousness.
If you don't believe me, believe Roger Bannister.
Much love and stay well. Wherever or whatever you're doing when this finds you, remember to be kind to yourself and others. It is the one free gift that we have to give that will keep paying dividends long after we cease to breathe.
