Everyone seems to be clawing their way into the world of BDSM ever since the hit book series/ movie franchise, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. But what many find very quickly is that the community itself is largely put off by the emotionally and physically abusive relationship between our protagonist and her love interest. Why exactly? Let’s first explore the reality of BDSM and the psychology behind it, and maybe we’ll gain a better understanding of what a truly healthy BDSM relationship is and how you may want to try it out yourself ;)
Let’s start with the acronym itself: BDSM (Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism). Many people tend to think this means there is one person dominating one submissive, and whatever the dom says goes- this is simply not true. Participants can be many or few; and while the dom is seemingly in charge, they are always listening and observing their submissive. Especially in the realm of sadomasochism this can be dire, as you’re working with sometimes very extreme scenes that a submissive may need to be pulled out of quickly and soothed properly. No one person is in charge in this type of relationship.
So now that we understand that dynamic a little bit, you can probably already see the reason many people in this community do not approve of how their lifestyle is portrayed. In the book, Christian Grey plays a dominant who not only wants his submissive to be subservient in all things, but forces her into a contract in order to legally bind her to him- this is essentially a type of sexual slavery and is completely illegal. Anastasia doesn’t seem to have too hard of a time signing away her freedom, as her dominant is a debonair business owner who constantly showers her with gifts and dazzles herby introducing her to elite individuals. So nothing’s wrong as long as he treats her nice and buys her things right? Wrong. Christian repeatedly goes past his boundaries (that he set in the contract) and continues his actions even after Anastasia says her safeword. This is sexual assault- not so romantic or arousing, but still seen as a kinky fantasy by middle-aged housewives everywhere.
The psychology behind the BDSM relationship is actually far healthier than what many think. Those who participate are less likely to commit violent crimes against others. When going into a scene (session of playtime) both parties are turning into themselves to dig deep and bring out a darker side. While the submissive is free to completely release control to another, the dominant must maintain an observational eye out to be certain they are pleasing their charge, or if they need to be consoled. Christian simply did not care if he was going too far or that he was hurting Anastasia. This is a marker of a sociopath- he wants to control everything and everyone around him, climbing to the top easily and shoving anyone who gets in his way effectively out of it.
The relationship itself begins to slowly come around throughout the series, but this rarely, if ever, happens in real life. Perhaps many of the readers and viewers do see their relationship being played out and they try to normalize this abusive behavior through sexual fantasy. This is a healthy way to cope with your past abuses as strange as it sounds, though using it to normalize your current abusive relationships only feeds into a societal understanding that BDSM is abuse. When reading and watching erotic fiction, one should always be cautions of what they are taking home from such series.
There are a lot of other things wrong with this franchise, from prose to ideology, but what we definitely shouldn’t be taking away from it is the idea that if you meet someone hot and rich, it’s okay for them to own you. Yes, we can have pets, but the minute you abuse them you are no better than a common criminal.
I wasn’t able to cover all that I really wanted, but I’ve gotta get back to the office of life
Expect a naughty story pretty soon! I’d like to try to post a story every other day and delve into the inner workings of the mind every next day. See you all soon!
XOXO,
kitten