I can feel it coming in the air tonight
It is often the case with the younger generations, and quite frequently older ones as well, that sexuality dominates our capacity to reason. Sexuality is a beautiful gift and we should all cherish it. At the same time, one should be mindful of the traps which hide behind a rush decision, an impulse and unfortunately sometimes, ignorance. Below you will find a brief list of advice, on how you and your partner can discuss (often) neglected aspects of sex, but also in the process learn from each other. Sex is awesome, but please remember to talk!
1. The STI test talk
First things first. Discuss STIs and HIV tests, as well as the date of the last test. Do not wait for the subject to be brought up. Take the initiative. In the process, you take care of your health, but also the health of the other person. Care is a special thing and should be encouraged. There is really no need to discuss figures concerning past sexual partners, as that can touch upon an individual’s insecurities, and even worse make them uncomfortable in discussing sexual health. Check you are healthy – stay healthy – keep others healthy.
2. The turn-ons, turn-offs talk
What gets me going? What gets you going? What would you like to try? Questions, questions, questions, but necessary! Don’t wait for the sexual experience, the sexual moment, to have this conversation. Have it during another moment. Sexual intercourse and play should be kept as much as possible sexual. Don’t diminish your moments – enjoy them! Think about bringing the subject up in ways which are not negatively charged. For example, ‘I love having sex with you, and I’d love to try this’. You can express yourself in simple ways and at the same time communicate things you like, but also learn more about your partner. You will find that with time, your moments together become fuller and more satisfying.
3. The fantastic ‘fantasy’ talk
Much taboo still seems to exist in discussions of fantasies. It is unfortunate, as fantasy talk can teach us and our partners about each other, ourselves and also our inner nature. Ultimately, doing this properly can bring a couple closer together. So to your question, How-to?
Option 1 – Agree that no judging will take place and just dive in the conversation! It’s good fun also,
Option 2 – Write your fantasies down and hand them over in sealed letter. Read them separately to each other to make it fun.
Alternatively, you can exchange and read them together, chuckling away all the time. Break the ice! Did your first attempt go well? Then dive back in! Try to identify where some desires come from and discuss alternatives. Yes! Sex brainstorming does work!
4. The ‘how often’ talk
‘I want it every day’ – ‘I want it once a month’. This can be a problem. It will be a bigger problem if you choose not to talk about it. Sex is a very important part of a loving and fulfilling relationship. Do not be afraid to talk about this subject and once again, do not bring up past relationships, frequency or figures. Respect each other and seek compromise, particularly in relationships which you feel can be fruitful long term. At the end of the day, we cannot change entirely our natural urges, but we can be mindful of peoples’ differences. It is part of our diversity, a thing which makes us beautiful. Partners should work together to find a frequency that is fulfilling. Finally, if the problem is time then the answer is simple! Start a sex schedule!
5. The talk about cheating
What is cheating really? Are you sure you are both on the same page? It is a subject often neglected, which can be the source of unnecessary pain and undeserved negative emotions. The truth is infidelity is not black and white, as understanding differs from person to person.
It would be best to approach the topic early on in a relationship. Do not make the mistake of falling on traps which could have been avoided. Talking the subject over early on, is also significantly easier than doing so at a more distant date. Once again, you may choose to use our good old friend the list! Jointly make a list of the stuff you feel constitute cheating. It is simple and yet so powerful tool.
6. The ‘How’s it going’ talk
Our discussions about sex should not be a one off. Humans do change and so do their preferences and passions. Some may remain traditionalists and some may change less, and others entirely. The passage of time and life touches upon us, our character and our desires. What is true today, is not necessarily true next week, next year, or in ten years. Communication is key and even more so for couples who have been together for greater periods. Speak to each other, love each other and learn about yourselves and the world.
Stay healthy, stay loving, live well and prosper
K.C.