A friend shared this thought-provoking piece with me recently entitled Porn Makes Men Terrible in Bed. It got me thinking. I'm not sure I agree with everything, but there is a key point I find important for heterosexual men to understand:
Women are different than you. They get turned on differently, they orgasm differently, and they enjoy intimacy differently. As with any massive generalization of half the human species, take what I'm saying with a grain of salt as there are always outliers to the center of the bell curve.
Four months ago I argued we should talk more about sex. If you're not sure where I'm coming from here, maybe give that post a read first. Sex is a beautiful, natural, amazingly pleasurable thing. Let's not screw it up.
So, I'm a dude. Like most dudes, I really enjoy seeing the human female form. Thanks in part to evolution up to this point, I especially enjoy seeing and hearing the female human form engaging in sexual activity. It's just the way things are. People around the world understand this generalized fact about male homo sapiens which is why the porn industry is massive. But here's the problem, pornography is mostly:
#FakeSex
When I consider what I saw in college and the stereotypical porn scenes most people think about, it has very little to do with my actual love life. If you're in a healthy, fulfilling heterosexual relationship, you hopefully understand how women need around 20 minutes of foreplay before they really start enjoying things. In addition, they need direct clitoral stimulation, not just "sticking it in there." Most likely, they don't love giving head (but hey, if you've found one who does, good on you, sir).
What we see in most porn is a woman pretending to enjoy things she doesn't. It trains male sexual responses to be aroused when women are faking it, maybe even while they are experiencing pain. That's destructive on so many levels.
At the same time, how many guys enjoy seeing 20 minutes of talking, teasing, petting, and such? BORING. Those pornos probably wouldn't sell, at least not in this toxic culture. But they'd sure do a lot more to help educate men and be much less demeaning of women and their needs.
So what do we do about this problem? We have millions of men who are ignorant or deceived on how to please women in a culture that doesn't talk honestly about sex but shows twisted versions of it everywhere. Women aren't freely seeking their deserved pleasure and men are acting like idiots because they are trying to recreate some version of #FakeSex which turned them on while watching porn.
Now, I get that many men (myself included) feel loved when people meet our needs with acts of service. I'm not saying it's wrong for a woman to go out of her way to please her man and do things she knows he loves, even if it's not her favorite activity. But let's be real here, what we see portrayed in most pornography is so far removed from a mutually-beneficial relationship as to be ridiculous. Real intimacy between lovers involves deferring to one another, for sure, but it's a rewarding process for everyone involved. That's not what porn demonstrates, and I think it's more destructive towards women than we realize. Not only that, it deprives men of the truly fantastic intimacy they could be having with their partners if they knew how to properly please them.
So what, if anything, should we do about it?
Maybe the solution starts by shaming the porn industry and those who promote it in its current form. I'm all for sex-positive messaging and moving away from religious-based shaming of sexual pleasure. Who knows, what is being called "feminist porn" may even have a healthy place in peoples' sex lives. I know some people who enjoy making their own private porn for their own personal use. What's wrong with that? Nothing, as far as I'm concerned. #FakeSex is an entirely different beast which should (IMO) be exposed.
What if we got #FakeSex trending on social media platforms?
What if we started creating memes to show how silly this whole thing is?
Here are just a few I thought up:
Does the sex reenactment you’re viewing include about 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay? No? Sorry, it’s #FakeSex. You’ve been had and porn is playing you.
Are those actors (usually the women) pretending to experience pleasure? That’s #FakeSex. If you can’t tell the difference between real pleasure and fake pleasure, you’re a tool, and the porn you're watching isn't helping.
We get it. You like pretending women actually enjoy doing things they don't enjoy. When you’re done being juvenile and delusional, be a man and give up on the #FakeSex. Learn how to properly defer to your partner so you both enjoy it. Skill up, son, porn isn't real.
Can you think of any more?
What do you think about this whole conversation? Does it make you uncomfortable? Should we be talking about this stuff more? If you think we should, resteem it and let's get the conversation going.
If you're a heterosexual woman, what's your opinion of how most porn portrays female pleasure and sexuality?
If you're a heterosexual man, do you care how your body is being trained to sexually respond to lies which will hinder your real sex life?