Feminism has focused our attention on female sexuality. Feminism is working even today to show everyone that female sexuality is good and has intrinsic value apart from male desire. In other words, women want sex for its own sake, too. It’s a dramatic change in mindset that we desperately need.
But female sexuality isn’t the only thing affected by this change in mindset.
When we define female sexuality by the way a male possesses it, we define male sexuality by it’s ability to possess. In other words…
Many women still define their sexuality by the men they’re pleasing, and many men still define their sexuality by the women they fucked.
Men who define their sexuality this way count their ‘number,’ they brag to their friends that they ‘nailed that chick,’ and are incapable of having a female friend they don’t want to have sex with.
Feminism taught women that we own our sexual desire and that our sexual desire is for our benefit, not the benefit of men. Well, men need a mindset change too. Male sexual desire doesn’t exist to conquer as many women as possible. Male sexual desire is something for men to enjoy. Like female sexuality, male sexuality is good.
The problem is that healthy male sexuality gets distorted into a drive to conquer and possess.
This balloons into two types of male sexual expression: an expression that treats women as equal partners in a sexual adventure, and an expression that treats women as something men capture and use.
Women can instinctively spot the difference between the two. Two men can proposition me with the same sentence - “want to get out of here?” - and inspire wildly different responses. The man who respects me as an equal partner excites me. The man who is trying to conquer me creeps me out.
Men who are respectful want and have sex as much as the conquerors. Men who are respectful talk about sex as much as the conquerors (if not more). Men who have a healthy attitude about sex will talk about their partner’s bodies as much as conquerors do. Mistaking them all for conquerors at first glance is easy.
But once you know what to look for, the difference is clear:
Men who love sex speak about the people they have sex with differently from conquerors. Men who love sex acknowledge the humanity of their partner. They say things like “we had a great time,” “I gave her good dick,” and “it was hella good sex.” They will say things like “I motorboated her ass,” but they still acknowledge the humanity of the owner of that ass.
Conquerors speak about their partners like they are a receiver of sex. They use phrases like “I nailed her,” “I fucked that,” and “I totally hit that.” They speak about the sex happening to her, not like she was an active participant. He centers all conversation about sex around him and his enjoyment. (If her enjoyment is discussed, it’s only discussed in the context of glorifying his own sexual skills).Men who love sex are super careful about consent. If they think even for a split second that their partner is anything less than completely enthusiastic, they won’t do it. If the woman is verbally saying yes, but her posture is reluctant, he will not want to do it.
Conquerors, on the other hand, aren’t so concerned about consent. If the woman said ‘yes’ verbally, or allowed themselves to be led away, the conqueror will have sex with her even if she is clearly reluctant or uncomfortable.
If a woman starts to express reluctance, men who love sex will back off immediately. conquerors will try to argue her out of her reluctance, or just keep going.Men who love sex don’t feel led on. If a woman makes out with him, sits on his lap, grabs at him, and then doesn’t want any more, he is all right with that. Of course he’ll be disappointed, but he doesn’t feel that he’s owed anything.
Conquerors only get as much consent as they need to be defensible in court. He’s not truly concerned about her having a good time, he’s just concerned about avoiding legal trouble. Of course they don’t want to be a rapist, per se, but they think that as long as she verbally consented, it’s her problem.Men who love sex respect women who love sex too. They don’t think women who have a lot of sex are dirty; they celebrate women who enjoy sex. A man who loves sex is likely to fall for a woman who loves sex. Which makes sense - we are attracted to people who share our interests.
Conquerors don’t respect women who love sex. They may say things like “I love sluts,” but they love sluts the way I love chocolate: to consume. I certainly don’t respect my chocolate bar - and conquerors don’t respect women who love sex. Conquerors certainly aren’t going to fall for any of the women thrlyey go through like tissues.Men who love sex respect women they have sex with after they’re done. They will sit with their partner after and talk to them/cuddle with them/do what their partner needs to feel satisfied with the experience.
Conquerors dispose of women after having sex with them. They roll over, get up, and shuffle the woman right out without a second thought. If the woman feels upset or used, the conqueror doesn’t lose a minute of sleep over it.When women agree to have sex with a man, they usually have their own list of things they want out of that sexual experience. Men who love sex acknowledge this and work with her to make sure she gets what she wants as well. Men who love sex may suggest a position by saying “I think you’ll like this.”
Conquerors either assume that the only thing the woman wants is his magic dick, or worse, don’t consider what she wants at all. If a conqueror wants to try a new position, he says “do this, I think it’s hot.” Her opinion is not consulted. They have the kind of sex he wants to have, and when he’s done, they’re done. Period.Men who love sex love the chase just as much as conquerors do. But men who love sex treat the chase like a social game, flashing their feathers and wooing women. If he fails to woo a woman, he is disappointed, but he doesn’t hold anything against her.
Conquerors treat the chase like a hunt. They make it personal. They will say or do anything to capture their prey. They are not concerned about the condition their prey is in after they capture them. conquerors hunt to kill.
Men who abuse women, the men of the #metoo movement, are conquerors. They are trying to conquer women. They are trying so hard to conquer women that they are willing to abuse them to do it. Not a day goes by without us finding out that another male in power has abused that power to get sex. They’ve done nasty thing after nasty thing to manipulate vulnerable women around them into sex.
We women have developed a justifiable knee-jerk response of defensiveness and disgust. Anytime a male propositions us and we are not interested (because we are tired, because we don’t know them very well, etc.) we don’t just decline them; it disgusts us that they even attempted.
This reaction is as justifiable as any can be; there are so many conquerors out there. Sometimes it feels like we can’t go to the grocery store without some male trying to conquer us. It’s easy to feel like any proposition is yet another man trying to turn us into a sex toy.
We have to be very careful to remember what is wrong about this situation. The fact that some men wanted sex isn’t a problem. The problem is that some men do immoral, unethical and illegal things to get it. Some men are trying to conquer.
Yeah, some men love hookups. Some men will proposition any hot woman they’ve known for more than thirty seconds. And yeah, if you’re a woman who doesn’t love sex that much, it can be annoying. But as long as they’re asking nicely and respect your answer, there’s literally nothing wrong with them asking. And you know what - some women love hookups too, and are happy to say yes.
Ironically, even women who love hookups will usually say no to hooking up with a conqueror. Women who love hookups are trying to have a good time with someone else who shares their interests, not to be made into a cum rag for an asshole.
The distinction is important because if we throw out the baby with the bathwater - if we demonize all male sexual desire, instead of only the desire to conquer - the problem is going to get worse.
This is what I see happening in our culture. We’re so sensitized to male conquerors that any expression of male lust is demonized. When we see a man trying to have sex, we automatically put up our guard.
There is no threat from male sexuality. What there is a threat from is greedy people. Greedy, powerful people (mostly men) feel entitled to use their power to get what they want. With the #MeToo movement it’s sex, but they also use their power to get fame and fortune and a thousand other things they are greedy for.
The problem isn’t sex; the problem is that greedy people are willing to do anything to get what they want.
When we demonize male sexuality instead of greed, we teach an entire generation of men that their healthy and natural urges are evil. They will internalize a message of shame and hate, the same way young women internalized a similar message of shame and hate. And the greedy people will be able to continue using their power to get what they want.
We need to teach young men their desire for sex is healthy. We need to teach young men that women are also people, who also have a healthy desire for sex in their own right. We need to teach young men the tools to interact with women respectfully so that two people who want to have sex together can.
We need to teach young men that the problem isn’t that they want sex; we need to teach them the problem is when you ignore someone else’s humanity and take it.
What Does This Mean For Women?
As women, we need to remember not to demonize the men in our own lives for feeling lust. None of us mean to, but we do it in the smallest of ways.
- We perceive men who watch porn as being more ‘base’ or ‘crass’ than men who don’t.
- We are mildly disgusted when we receive a sexual proposition that we are seriously not in the mood for
- We lose respect for male friends who talk about sex a lot
- We think of male friends who have sex a lot as being dirty
By now we’ve had enough feminism to know that slut-shaming a woman is seriously messed up. But we need to remember not to slut-shame men, either. - When a man propositions us and we are not interested, we can decline without being disrespectful.
- When a male friend doesn’t stop talking about sex, we can politely tell him to shut up without implying he’s gross for loving sex.
- We can think of our male friends as good men worthy of respect, even if they do watch a lot of porn.
- We can think of a man as worth dating or marrying (even if he’s not the man for you) even if they’ve slept with half the women in the state.
At the same time, we need to be on guard against conquerors. We can’t allow them a foothold in our lives anymore.
A lot of women have a conqueror friend. We all know that one guy who talks about “nailing her” and “hitting that.” Instead of letting that slide, we need to call him out.
- We need to remind him that women are people too, people with their own sexual wants and needs.
- We need to let him know that no one, not even him, would want to have sex with someone who is not acknowledging their wants and needs.
- We need to tell him that if he wants women to have sex with him, he needs to consider becoming the sort of person women would want to have sex with.
“But it’s not my job to tell him this! It isn’t a woman’s job to fix a man’s sexism!”
You’re right. It’s not. But it needs done all the same, and no one else is going to do it.
If you liked this article, sign up to get notified when I publish more work.