Dear Friends and Followers,
Yesterday, I met a girl.
Jason, Aaron, and I had been in Cancun for three days and were approaching the finale of our five-day stay in Mexico City. It was embarrassing that in Cancun, an emporium of clubbing and sex and smut, we failed to fornicate with any women, leaving Cancun in defeat. We hightailed to Mexico City, humiliated at our failure, but hopeful that a city of 20 million would have at least one sexually inclined woman to entertain our generationally-robust libidos. We rented a bachelor pad loft with a striking view in the hipster-ish part of town, right above one of the most infamous hook-up bars in the city. Despite the advantageous location, four nights out on the town resulted only in a few petty kooses (kisses) and a couple of phone numbers. Notably, we were refused entry to a club because of my large head of hair, of which the bald bouncer was surely jealous.
Yesterday evening, our final night in Mexico, we were enjoying the city view from our loft eating tacos and tomatoes around 10 pm, resigned to the fact that our sojourn in Mexico had been fun yet sexless. We found it appropriate to seek refuge in a strip club and embarked on the walk to ‘El Closet,’ a local gentleman’s club offering lap dances at the equivalent of $11 USD. I’m from New York, and I know a good deal when I see one! En route to the strip club, dressed in gym clothing and encumbered by post-taco lethargy, I was informed of a new match on Tinder. A new match! A new beginning! The girl, going by the name of Crystal, texted me right away asking what I was doing. We had an active lead. When sending a ‘big’ text, I need to either sit down or lean against the wall, to prevent myself form losing consciousness, so we stopped in our tracks and leaned against a fence topped with barbed wire, encircling what had to be a drug dealer’s Mexican mansion.
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“I TOLD HER I COULD MAKE THE TREK OVER TO HER PLACE BUT WOULD NEED TO BRING TWO FRIENDS. SHE SAID, SURE, ‘WE CAN ALL HANG OUT.’”
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I informed the ‘Crystal’ character that we were leaving the next day and invited her to ‘hang out’ in our loft and drink some wine and tequila. In American English, as you know, “hang out” is a euphemistic term for fucking. She told us she lived in the southern outskirts of the city, about 30 minutes by car, and was too lazy to make the trip to the city center at 1 am. I told her I could make the trek over to her place but would need to bring two friends. She said, sure, ‘we can all hang out.’ Euphoria consumed us, three sex-inclined musketeers, and we quickly called an Uber. The Uber zigged and zagged around this sprawling metropolis and brought us to a dark, low-rise neighborhood that was surely amongst Mexico City’s shadiest.
The moment at which I got out of the cab, and did a quick once-over of this dark, creepy area, I wondered whether El Chapo was going to come out of the bushes and kidnap me. But, we saw a shadow of a woman in the distance and ran over to her. We met her outside her building and she walked us into a garage and subsequently walked up two flights of stairs into a small, dark apartment, nearly unfurnished. There was no bed in the bedroom; just a blanket on the floor with some pillows. Crystal sat on her faux-leather sofa and started smoking weed. Aaron and Jason took a hit each and we chatted for a bit, about our lives and our aspirations. Crystal was a pre-school teacher at a Jewish day school. She didn’t much like Jews. Anyway, Aaron and Jason mobilized to leave me alone with Crystal and they both went into the bathroom. Crystal and I were alone on the sofa and immediately started koosing. She asked me what I wanted to do and I said, ‘why don’t we go to your bedroom.’ Crystal said, ‘sounds good,’ and we went to her bedroom to continue koosing. Sex ensued, mostly adhering to the cow / reverse cow positions. Bear in mind, we were situated on a blanket in her bedroom, as she did not have a mattress.
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“ONE PORNOGRAPHIC FILM CRYSTAL ENJOYED FEATURED A WOMAN DRINKING MILK FROM A DOG BOWL AND EATING A DOG BONE WHILE BEING GANG BANGED BY TEN GUYS.”
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Meanwhile, outside, Jason and Aaron opened up her iPad, and saw an iPad filled to the brim with gangbang and bukkake porno. One pornographic film Crystal enjoyed featured a woman drinking milk from a dog bowl and eating a dog bone while being gang banged by ten guys. Crystal and I concluded our sex session and I said to her that we should hang out with my two friends in her living room.
Her and Aaron built a quick friendship and smoked together. Aaron went to her bedroom with her to get more weed and he wouldn’t leave. She came out to us and said, ‘your friend wants sex but he won’t say it.’ So we shouted to Aaron, ‘TELL HER WHAT YOU WANT. Aaron looked her in the eye and stated, ‘I want it all!’ The door closed shut to her bedroom and Jason and I heard the sounds of sex emanating through the thin walls; spanking, koosing, etc. Aaron pursued doggy-style and ‘her on top,’ to quote Aaron.
Aaron came out, red-faced and satiated. Before Crystal came out of her own bedroom, Jared went in, the third of three. Aaron and I were seated on the sofa and overheard a conversation between Jason and Crystal. Jason said he wanted to have sex and Crystal agreed, but wanted to smoke first. Eventually the door closed to the bedroom and Aaron and I heard a loud bang against the door: the sounds of sex. Jason had picked her up and pressed her against a wall whilst fucking her, per her request. Jason enjoys loud sex so, from the bedroom, Aaron and I heard many spanks and bodies slamming against one another.
Jason came out and signaled to Aaron and I that Crystal had decided to give Jason an impromptu rim job on his way out of her bedroom. Crystal eventually came out of her bedroom and we all chatted about what had just occurred: a textbook train. Crystal stated we all ‘fucked in different ways;’ notably, she thought Aaron was the most romantic. Subsequently, Jason suggested a bukkake.
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“SHE ALTERNATED BETWEEN DICKS WHILE ON THE FLOOR, JASON, AARON, AND I IN A CIRCLE, REMINISCENT OF A CAMPFIRE.”
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Jason got started by taking his boxers off and Crystal assumed her standard blow job position. Jason was standing and Crystal was kneeling. Aaron and I then offered our own dicks. She alternated between dicks while on the floor, Jason, Aaron, and I in a circle, reminiscent of a campfire. Eventually I started laughing and Crystal banished me to the sofa. I’m sorry, but, sometimes in life, you just gotta laugh. I still had a role in all of this, though. Crystal did ask me to film what was transpiring because she wanted to watch it afterwards, and, I suppose, jerk off to it. I watched as Jason was sitting on the couch receiving a blowjob as Aaron hit it from behind doe. As for me, to be completely frank, I found it difficult to maintain a state of arousal with three dicks floating around the living room. My erection went from A to Z.
Jason asked Crystal if she had ever done anal. She responded affirmatively. Jason gave Aaron the directive to fuck Crystal from behind in the ass while Crystal sucked my dick. I sat on the sofa while Aaron attempted, with all his might and focus, to get his dick in her ass. While this was occurring Jason was filming with two cameras; one being used as a flashlight and the other as a camera. Jason looked as though he was directing a movie. Aaron announced that he could not fit his dick into her ass. In Jason’s director role Jason shouted at Aaron to use his finger instead. Aaron tried and again was unable, despite a valiant effort.
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“AARON, FORGETTING THAT CRYSTAL HAD HAD THREE DICKS IN HER MOUTH FOR MUCH OF THE PRECEDING HOUR AND BEFORE THAT GAVE JASON A RIM JOB, PASSIONATELY KISSED CRYSTAL ON THE WAY OUT — A LIFE-ALTERING BLUNDER.”
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Aaron accidentally stepped on Crystal’s toes while he was exiting from his ‘from behind’ position. This caused a hiatus in which everyone lost their erections. Jason, however, was able to regain his stiff dick, and proceeded to fuck Crystal on her living room floor while Aaron and I were getting dressed and calling an Uber. Jason summoned his track-and-field background as he fucked Crystal at what seemed like 100 mph. The Uber arrived, so Jason stopped fucking Crystal and we all said our goodbyes. Aaron, forgetting that Crystal had had three dicks in her mouth for much of the preceding hour and before that gave Jason a rim job, passionately kissed Crystal on the way out — a life-altering blunder. Jason and I chose to give her a warm embrace instead.
The three of us went back across Mexico City in an Uber at 5 AM, satiated and satisfied that we were able to leave Mexico having engaged in such a cutting-edge sexual experience. To celebrate we ate waffles and cactus fruit provided by our AirBNB host. Viva la Mexico!
Regards,
Editor-in-chief, Ronnie Shapiro, JD
Executive Producer/Director, Jason Cohen, Esq.