Today I want to talk about something that is close to my heart, and that has affected me for most of my life. No, today is not the day that I reveal all or share any dirty secrets. Today is just the day I approach the topic that many choose not to discuss, or not to see in themselves. It comes from a personal struggle of mine over my life, as well as what I have seen in others and how it has damaged them. If nothing else, writing this article is therapeutic to me.
So let's get to the topic at hand: Sexual Obsession and Compulsion, and how it not only destroys your life, but others.
Disclaimer: None of this is scientific or based on any research I did for this article, but rather based on a lifetime of reading on it and considering my own issues. This article does not take religion into consideration.
SEX IS NOT THE ENEMY
If there is one thing I have had to come to terms with in my life, thanks for my upbringing, is that sex is not the enemy. The same as how sugar and carbs are not the enemy. Rather, it is how we use it and see it for ourselves. If one wants to be really technical, sex is meant for reproduction, just like plants are pollinated and animals mate to continue producing life for this planet.
Well, that's what sex is meant to be for. But sex for us humans is also used for pleasure, especially when it comes to self-pleasure. Which again is not the problem. If sex was not pleasurable or desirable, then we would not want to have sex with each other and we would not reproduce. As simple as that. Like birds and bees, who use their singing and beauty talents to attract the opposite gender, we find someone that we are really attracted to so that we can have sex with them.
Ok, so I am oversimplifying. The one thing we humans have going for us is emotion. For many of us, not all, we cannot have sex with someone unless we are deeply inlove with them. Others again, can happily have sex and not worry about how they feel about it each other. Or at least, that's what they tell themselves.
It is important though to realise that sex is not the enemy. Nothing pushes us to have sex than our own inner desires, temptations or obsessions. As you will see in this article, it is not the act of sex that can destroy our lives, but rather sexual obsession and compulsion.
OBSESSION VS COMPULSION
Before I get really started, I want to discuss the distinction between Obsession and Compulsion. Before a few years ago when I looked into it, I thought they were the same thing. I mean, in OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, the two words are together.
However, they are not the same thing. Yes they are similar, but they are not the same. Obsession deals only with your thoughts and your desires. You love to eat donuts, and all you can think about all day at work is munching down on a donut so badly. Compulsion is the impulsive act of carrying out that desire, no matter what the cost, such as finally going out and buying that 200th donut for the month.
So when it comes to OCD, it is a disorder whererby both obsession and compulsion are driving your life. Not only about sex, but about anything that could be destroying your life.
I want to share a story with you. No, not a sexual one, but about an obsession I had as a child in primary school. I believed that walking through any gate or any doorway or archway would irrevocably change my life unless I walked back through that same opening. This meant that I had to leave through the same school gate everyday that I entered. I would mentally remember every gate or opening I passed through on way to class and then I would compulsively go through every opening in the reverse order I had passed through to keep my life on track.
This happened for a few months, until the preacher in our church had a sermon on superstition. Now, I said this article isn't about religion, and it isn't. But when he said that belief in superstition shows us that we do not trust God, it opened my mind. I realised that something as silly as going through an opening could not possibly change my life. If my life changed, it was only because I believed in that obsession and was therefore attracting the negative consequences to myself, or believed that every negative event thereafter was a result of me not following my obsession.
It was hard to stop myself from doing it. It took several tries of forcing myself through gates and then leaving through others and not going back. Maybe a week or two, maybe longer, until I was finally free of my obsession and the compulsion to act on the obsession.
SEX AS AN OBSESSION
I have heard one too many times women tell men, "You are all obsessed with sex." And while it is mostly true, especially in my case, I have met a few women who are just as obsessed with sex.
Now, sexual obsession isn't just about thoughts of having sex. Many times they are simply of a sexual nature. Some will be obsessed with thoughts of seeing someone naked, or about the last time they masturbated, or someone's bra that they saw through a shirt that lingers on their mind all day. These aren't thoughts of sex, but are of a sexual nature.
And yet, it is still labelled as sexual obsession. Some people have it under control. They can focus their mind on their work or goals and push aside those sexual thoughts. The rest of us aren't so lucky. There are varying circumstances as to why some prefer to dwell and think on sex all the time. Problems at home, money issues, work stress, a bad past as a child... The list is almost endless. Not that any of those excuse it, but the truth is that some people love to escape to their mind when things are going rough.
Such as when I escape to the books I am writing and dwell on the stories I want to write, either when I am bored or stressed. The same can be said about sexual obsession. There is a small euphoria to imagining someone you like naked, or you two doing something in bed. The only problem with this euphoria is that the obsessive thoughts can lead to compulsion, which we will get to in a bit.
Those who don't have this obsession, or rather those that have better things to think of, would never understand where you are coming from. To them, it is disgusting and filthy habit. Others wonder what the problem is and do not see how it can be an obsession, but rather just a part of natural life. And this is why those with sexual obsessive thoughts usually keep it to themselves, to either not repulse those who do not understand why you even think about sex, or not to be understood by those who think you should think about it as often as you want.
We will get to the dangers of this later, but let's first focus on compulsion.
SEX AS A COMPULSION
As mentioned before, compulsion is when the act itself is the issue. Some people don't even have to be thinking about sex at all for them to become in compulsive sexual behaviour. I have known some people who have told me they need to masturbate when they go to bed in order to have a good night's sleep. Some people have sex with their partners first thing in the morning to have a good day at work.
These compulsive actions can also sometimes be triggered by something. The same why that an alcohol advert can trigger an alcoholic to head to the local pub and drink his brains out, something can trigger a person to want to have sex or masturbate immediately, without any premeditated thought at all. Something could have happened in the person's past to believe that whatever he or she is doing is normal, or that they can get away with it. Like when something bad happens, and the guy says "I need to get laid now" with every intention of doing it with anyone willing.
I knew a guy who was very smooth with the ladies. We would be talking about work, walking the streets. He would see a gorgeous woman, flash her a smile and tell her how beautiful she is and how great they would be in bed. I would often laugh at this tactic, but there have been a few times that he has been successful... and I heard the next day just how great they were the night before indeed.
I'm not saying any of these are compulsive issues. I am just giving examples of where sexual behaviour can become compulsive.
WHEN SEXUAL OBSESSIVE COMPULSION GOES WRONG
I'm going to go on a limb here and say that even sexual obsession and compulsion isn't always that bad. Yes, it's coming from someone that's been obsessed with sex his whole life. But just because you think about sex regularly doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you.
Rather, it is when it starts affecting your and other people's lives negatively that you have a problem. There is a reason that they call it a Disorder when it is really bad. You may not agree with me, but it is the same as becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol or any other substance to the point where you lose your job, family and reputation because of it.
And yes, it does become that bad. There are people that will spend most of their days masturbating in the work bathrooms because they have lost their self-control. Someone is rejected by someone they have feelings more, and then finds the first prostitute they can find to have sex with. A married man is having financial issues and his wife isn't supporting him or is being there for him, so he finds an old sex buddy and they hook up again.
Once again, none of these triggers are excuses for behaviour. But it is a real problem in many people's lives. Not only does the behaviour lead to relationship problems at the work and home, but it leads to the person feeling bad and despicable for the act itself. Some people don't have this guilty, horrible feeling for their actions, which are the same people who don't understand why sexually obsessive compulsive people have a problem with it.
Yet, it drives them to the ground. They truly hate themselves for what they are doing. There are times when people will mistake them for having bipolar disorder. One day they are on top of the world, walking into work and conquering their projects. They they fail, either sleeping around or spending hours of the morning watching porn, and the next day they walk in depressed and fail at whatever they do.
And this is where sexual behaviour becomes destructive. Sex and sexual pleasure are meant to be enjoyable, with no guilt. But when someone is trapped in an obsessive compulsive loop, it drags them down into a circle of depression, sometimes for years, that is hard to get out of.
It also causes social interaction issues. There are some who have problems socialising with others. They don't know what is and is not appropriate. They will try and mingle and join the conversation and just embarrass themselves. Or they think it is alright to get someone's number the first time they meet them and then try and test the waters for a sex chat, just to lose someone that could have been a great friend, or be reported.
And this isn't even going into the criminal aspects of sexual obsession and compulsion. I don't want to delve too much into this, but as examples I'm just going to list paedophiles and rapists, without going into any detail since I have no real idea of how their minds work. Suffice it to say that they are good examples of how to really take sexual behaviour to the extreme and to truly destroy your life.
SEX AS PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOUR
You may have related to some of what I said and wondered if that means you are compulsive or obsessive. Not in all cases. There is a grey area that they call "Problematic behaviour". This is where you are not obsessed or compulsive, but your sexual behaviour is still problematic to you or someone else. You would be surprised how many people believe they have sexual problems. Sometimes people act impulsively because they are impulsive by nature. Sometimes masturbation or porn is used to cope with something happening in your life. Such as you would only do those activities when things are really bad. That is not obsessive or compulsive, but just problematic behaviour that can be corrected.
It can also be part of the development stage of your life. People become obsessed with sex at certain stage. Some while teenagers, others while adolescents and others again when they hit the prime of adulthood and the chemicals in their bodies are raging.
The important thing is that this is not to be confused with sexual obsession or compulsion. Many people misdiagnose themselves, when it is just problematic behaviour that needs to be dealt with. Or when taking some time out to pleasure yourself is a natural thing that many turn into a bad thing, thanks to their upbringing and belief system.
I want to discuss one problematic behaviour I once had. I won't be sharing what happened to me, but rather tell you what it is and giving you a real life example of it. There is a special condition called Sexsomnia, which many deny exists. It is like parasomnia (sleep walking), but it is the act of sexual behaviour while sleeping. If you have ever woken up playing with yourself while sleeping, that is sexsomnia. If you have ever woken up using your tongue on your partner without knowing how it started, that is sexsomnia.
Now there was a special case some years ago. I forget where I read it, but I know it was online. This married couple hired a babysitter and went out for the night. When they came back it was very, very late, so they told the babysitter she could sleep on the couch. As the story goes, the husband woke up in the middle of the night to get something to drink. He saw the babysitter naked on the sofa playing with herself. When he asked her if he could join her, she just moaned. It was not actually an invite, she was just enjoying herself. But he took it as one. So he went down on her and then the wife switched on the light and shouted at them.
The shouting woke the babysitter and she saw the husband by her legs and didn't know what was going on. Of course, the wife never believed her but it didn't matter. She divorced her husband because he actually engaged in the activity knowingly.
There are many cases like this. Just google Sexsomnia and you will read all about it. By doing my research on something that had been with me my whole life, I found out that they believe it is triggered by a combination of at least two out of three things: Lack of Sleep, Stress and Alcohol. After that, everytime I had sexsomnia, I realised they were right. So I decided to make a choice. If I was overtired, no alcohol and try to avoid stress. And the same for the other two. I am happy to say that I have been sexsomnia clean for 9 years.
And if some of you are wondering why I would want to stop something like that, it's because it caused some problems. And that is all I am saying.
DIAGNOSING SEXUAL OBSESSIVE AND COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOURS
I'm not an expert on sexual obsession or compulsion, but rather someone who has had to deal with it in my whole life, either within myself or someone I was helping through it based on my experience. I won't pretend to know everything there is to know about it.
There is an article I read on Medicalnewstoday that was rather helpful though. If you have some of these symptoms, I wouldn't go overboard and say that you have a problem. If your sexual behaviour is bother you, then I would say that you know you have a problem. But these criteria are at least worth considering:
- The behavior increases in frequency and intensity to achieve the desired effect;
- Continuing at the same level or intensity fails to produce the desired effect;
- Discontinuing the behavior leads to withdrawal syndrome, including physiological or psychological changes, in exactly the same way that smoking and drinking does;
- Similar behavior is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms (masturbation instead of sex, for example);
- Having a persistent desire to cut down or control the behavior, or making unsuccessful efforts to do so;
- Spending a lot of time on activities needed for preparing to engage in and recovering from the behavior;
- Giving up or reducing important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of the behavior (a favourite of mine);
- Continuing the behavior despite knowing that it is likely to cause or worsen a persistent physical or psychological problem.
CONCLUSION
Sex by itself isn't bad. Sexual behaviour is also not bad. But sometimes, our behaviour and thoughts can be destructive. We lose productivity, we destroy our own sense of dignity, and we destroy our relationship with the world, and for some with the higher being that you believe in.
I am in no way going to tell you how to resolve your obsession or compulsion. I am no doctor or medical expert. The best I can say is do your research or go get some professional help if you believe it is necessary. Some laugh at the idea that sexual obsession can be classed the same as substance addiction, but the act of sexual pleasure can lead to the same symptoms and withdrawals if not managed properly.
My message to you: you are not alone.
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Kind regards
Shaun M Jooste
Joint-Owner: AIR Entertainment (https://airentertainment.biz)
Director: Celenic Earth Publications (https://celenicearthpublications.wordpress.com)
Author, Screenwriter, Gamewriter, Journalist (https://celenicearth.wordpress.com)