if you are on a date with a girl she’s probably interested in playing a little game of church camp and touching your penis. You’ve already been selected. All you have to do is not fuck it up.
This first piece of advice is low hanging fruit. Unfortunately, there are enough offenders out there that it’s worth mentioning. Lay off the goddamn cologne! Shoot a spritz or two in the air and walk through it. She’s supposed to smell it when she gets in close, not when you pull up to her house. In addition to smelling like the counter at Macy’s, you are blocking your own natural pheromones from getting to her. Pheromones signal to the brain when someone has the right biology for you to make a healthy baby with. If a woman smells you and her brain decides you have the right DNA her body will tell her she needs to get naked. That’s like nature’s up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, select, start cheat code for poontang. That’s why I don’t wear cologne at all. My body funk game is strong. That reminds me: Wash your ass…seriously, wash it…balls too. Nothing says, “Oh hell no!” like swamp ass and musty balls.
so it’s like getting a Christmas present when we do. Girls can’t check the mail without some Guido trying to holla’ at her. They’re tired of it, and when you do it, you get lumped into the same group as that guy trying to run game in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. If you have to use a pickup line to approach women you better be coming out the gate with something really fucking fresh and witty. Research has shown the most effective pickup line is, “Hi, my name is…” followed by, “Do you want to see my boat?” “Ur Hot!” and “I like Dem titties!” only work on girls with herpes and daddy issues, for everything else there’s MasterCard. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself there). Don’t compliment her appearance. She’s heard it. Instead of saying, “You look good in that dress” say, “That’s an amazing dress”. Now you just said she’s sexy but you also told her she has amazing fashion sense, which is important to women for some fucking reason. Also, know what not to compliment. Every morning she updates a checklist of everything she hates about her body. If you come in trying to flatter her imperfections all she is going to think is, “Oh great, he noticed how big my nose is. I’m gonna go join the circus so I’ll fit in with the rest of the freaks!”
If you have a six pack and a three piece suit she’ll probably fuck you in front of her grandpa while granny’s calling the ladies from the sewing circle to say Snowflake finally found a nice fella. Otherwise, women are under intense social pressure to not get #slut posted all over her social media. This sucks for both of you because she really wants to #dropdempanties. That’s why you invite her in for coffee. Nobody outside of Denny’s drinks coffee at 2 am. We all know its sex but agreeing to coffee gives her deniability, and that’s the golden ticket to her chocolate factory. Use every, wink, nod, innuendo, double-entendre, and euphemism you can. Just don’t say it right out. Bonus points if you flip the script and say something like, “I never do anything like this.” This gives her permission because now you are both innocent and even though she knows you’re lying she gets to think she is special. She might want peeled ginger root shoved up her ass #actuallyathing, but if you bring up fetishes before you’re done with appetizers you’re liable to end up with a bowl of moldy produce.