Disclaimer: This article is for educational and satire purposes only. You should never break the law or disobey the authorities in the area in which you live.
Read the previous installment of this series here:
Continuing where we left off, we're going to jump straight back into it...
The Cinema
Having sex in a movie theater is as old as movie theaters themselves.
Heck, with movies like Backbroke Mountain and Jennifer's Body, it's almost like they're begging us to do it!
So how does one pull off this marvelous feat?
1. See an unpopular movie.
I'm sure this seems obvious, but trying to 'get funky' during the opening night of The Dark Knight would probably prove to be extremely difficult.
So instead of seeing whatever is currently popular, choose something that isn't doing so hot... 2019's movie Cats comes to mind.
On the flip side, you can go for a movie that has been out for a while and see it during a weekday when most people are at work.
2. Go at the earliest time possible.
Who sees a movie at 9 am on a weekday?
Almost no one.
On top of this, sources tell us that Tuesday is the least popular day of the week to go to the movie theater.
Alternatively, you could also see the last movie that is set to run that day. The projection manager typically leaves right as the last movie begins to play--leaving you entirely alone if the theater is already empty.
3. Head towards the front.
Contrary to popular belief, it's in the back that you'll be seen.
Perhaps you'll feel like no one in the theater is watching, but the staff are watching.
The front is the primary area in most theaters where the security camera feeds--if there are any--don't show.
However, if your goal is only a handjob or something similar, this isn't necessary.
Albeit, that doesn't mean you can't go to the back.
Just know that if the staff feel so inclined, they will come in and tell you to leave.
This probably won't happen though, but it can.
You've been warned.
If the theater doesn't have security cameras, however, the back will be the best place to go.
The last four or five rows are out of sight of the projectionist and, especially if the theater is empty, they'll pay you no attention.
4. Do the deed.
If you're in the front, a horizontal position like missionary will have you out of sight--the floor may be gross though, so prepare yourself!
If you're in the back, reverse cowgirl or something similar will probably fit the bill.
If you decide to opt for something less intense like a blowjob or handjob, all it takes is putting your coat or sweatshirt over your lap and your security and privacy are guaranteed.
5. Teens: don't do this.
If you get caught, it can end badly.
The chance of anything happening aside from hearing, "Stop!" are very, very slim, but don't take that gamble if you're on the younger side.
Furthermore, the staff are encouraged to check up on the theater if the only people whom they saw go into the movie were two young folks--even more so if it is during the day!
They know what you're up to.
6. Cautionary Warning
There are usually theater checks during the movie.
A staff member will walk in and do a quick patrol 30 minutes after the movie has started and 30 minutes before the movie ends.
Stay vigilant.
The Library
The cute, mousy librarian who turns into a 'freak in the sheets' is a fantastical stereotype many hope to be true.
It isn't a surprise, then, that sex in the library appears on many 'sex bucket lists.'
Like movie theaters, the right bit of literature can get the sexual wheels turning in no time at all.
1. Find an empty area of the library.
Better yet, a study room.
Many public libraries have these, and if you're lucky, they'll have enclosed walls.
Nowadays, it seems that the majority of them have glass walls for this specific reason.
That, and to prevent people from doing other sorts of naughty activities in there like shooting up drugs.
2. Sit tight and survey your surroundings for a bit.
Don't immediately pull down your trousers and/or hike up your skirt the minute you notice you're alone.
Take your time, see if there are security cameras nearby, and wait a while to see if people frequently walk by your part of the library.
If you can, lock the door to the study room if you happened to have found one available.
3. Get it on - and do so discreetly.
Libraries are supposed to be quiet places.
If it's dead silent aside from your thrusting, moaning, and groaning, it'll be obvious to everyone what's going on.
4. Bonus: Go over to section 613.9 to get some extra ideas
What's in section 613.9?
Go ahead and find out!
5. Caution: You'll PROBABLY get caught
We heard it first from a librarian.
Of all places, the library may prove to be the most difficult to get some quality alone time.
The primary exception to this, however, is if you happen to be at a university library.
Without delving into detail, the staffing situation is a bit different and these libraries typically provide you with more 'study' rooms.
Music Festivals & Concerts
If there is any single place with rampant hookups galore, it's a music festival.
We all have that friend who 'fell in love' with a stranger they embraced as the bass dropped during a set.
1. Wait for the Headliner to Take the Stage.
This will be your best bet at scoring some privacy.
If you happen to be at something like Burning Man though, let's face it, no one cares.
Go ahead and do it wherever you like.
2. Announce to Your Group That You're Going to Explore/Dip Out.
The last thing you want is the rest of your party searching for you in an empathetic, 'molly'd-out' haze.
Let them know ahead of time so they don't find you mid-O-Face grinding away in the grass.
3. Go to the Camping or Parking Area (Or Woods).
Keep it simple: if you have a tent, go in there.
If not, find somewhere between some other tents, pitch your own under a blanket or sheet, or find a secluded area amongst the parked cars or any other areas nearby.
4. Get Down to Business
If you have a blanket or sheet with you, you can wrap yourselves up, plop yourselves in the grass, then get intimate in private.
We highly recommend having one.
Parking Lots
1. Pick a Busy Lot.
This may seem like the opposite of what you should do, but it isn't.
An empty lot is suspicious and your car is more likely to be approached if it's patrolled.
2. Go to the 'Empty' or 'Abandoned' section of the lot.
In every busy lot, there's a place with slightly fewer cars.
Go there.
Or if you're feeling really confident and/or have tinted windows, park wherever.
3. Crack the Windows a Pinch.
Recreating that steamy hand scene from Titanic is not recommended if you'd like to keep a low profile.
4. Have One Person Lay Down Out of Sight.
A horizontal position with one person on top is the way to go.
Seeing two people seated and bumpin' away will be obvious, but just one will only appear odd to any onlooker if one of you is out of sight.
The Beach
1. Wait Until Dusk.
When the sun is out, so are people.
Wait for that sunrise to begin before you plot your move.
Unless you're on a private beach and/or somehow have it entirely to yourself, getting busy right there on the sand won't be an option.
Not to worry, there's a vast body of water that will keep the action out of sight.
So when the sun is gone...
2. ...Go Into the Ocean!
This tactic is lifeguard approved.
People may know if you're going at it by the expressions on your face, they just won't be able to prove it if you're naughty bits maintain their privacy in the salty seas.
If you're up to it, you could both try your best to maintain a poker face with sunglasses as you go at it.
3. Do the Deed.
Find what position works best for you and get it done.
A Bar or Club Bathroom
Most of us have probably wanted to get it on with a sweaty stranger we've just met.
What better place than the close-by bathroom that has new breeds of bacteria and microorganisms on every surface?
Maybe we're just clean freaks, but in our humble opinion, we'd advise you to keep your juicy bits off the floor and walls.
We get that you want to bone, but don't bone amidst the poo and urine of hundreds of drunkards.
1. Go Somewhere That has--at a Minimum--More Than one Bathroom.
If you're holding up the line by fornicating, you may get caught.
Hordes of drunk people don't have manners, and when they have to go, they may move to get you out of the stall en masse.
2. Go for the Guys Bathroom.
I'm sure you've probably seen drunk girls wander in and out of the men's restroom when the women's bathroom is full or has a long line.
For whatever reason, it's socially acceptable.
Not so much for a man going into the women's restroom.
Be careful though--if a staff member witnesses you going into a restroom stall together, they'll think you're doing cocaine and may take a peep to see what's going on.
Yes, we've seen it happen.
3. Ideally, choose the Handicapped Stall.
The extra space may prove to be exactly what you need when shooting for just the right angle.
4. Assume a Position That Only Allows for one set of Feet to be Seen.
Standing doggy on the toilet is our suggested move!
And you'll avoid all those nasty surfaces.
Speed is of the Essence
For speed and efficiency in bathrooms, theaters, and study rooms, be sure to wear loose, baggy clothing.
For even more speed: Do not wear underwear.
Pro-Tip
This is something we forgot to include in part one.
Since your goal is to get it on then get out, it may be in your interest to forgo the foreplay.
We suggest doing whatever you need to do to get aroused so you can get straight to penetration: watch some porn, read something erotic, or think naughty thoughts.
The choice is yours.
And if you haven't yet begun regularly doing Kegels, you can add public sex onto the long list of reasons to start.
Different Strokes for Different Folks
If copulating in public isn't your thing, but you'd still like to try something that's amidst other people, try an incognito toy.
For the men, we have to recommend our favorite prostate massagers: either this small one or the classic 10 speed.
For the ladies, you can't go wrong with the Remote Control Vibrator (guys can still give this one a shot too!).
Pour Conclure
If you have any places you like to get scuffy, have a funny story to share, or would just like to say hello, please, do so in the comments below!
We want to hear from you!
This concludes this two-part mini-series.
Your Pal,
-Liam
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We read the following articles during our research for this post: OliviaDade, Thrillist, Pulse, and Cracked.
P.S.
Please download our free booklet 6 Minutes to Maximizing Your Orgasmic Pleasure, we're SURE you'll like it. Secondly, take a peek at our toy catalog and see if we have anything that interests you.