Disclaimer: This article is for educational and satire purposes only. You should never break the law or disobey the authorities in the area in which you live.
Horny, but unable to get some privacy?
Never fear, we've got your back.
No matter the circumstances, you and your partner will be able to safely and discreetly reach O-Town whenever the need arises.
Below, we'll begin with what is often thought of as an 'achievement' when actually done.
The Airplane Bathroom
The mile-high club.
Either stemming from necessity or a desire for a sexual milestone, it can be done, and done quite easily.
Optional Preliminary Step: Book a Red-eye Flight.
If you're already planning on doing this ahead of time, this is what we recommend.
Airplane bathroom sex will be a cakewalk when everyone around you is snoozing away, flight attendants included.
However, we understand that sexy-time usually isn't always planned.
Whether you and your partner are passing erotic notes on the flight cocktail napkins or you just happened to click with the passenger next to you, let's figure out the next step...
1. Pick a rendezvous time.
Select a time when you are least likely to have to wait in line and when you will not be disturbed.
The best times are just before the plane reaches cruising altitude or during the in-flight entertainment.
Two alternative methods so you can head immediately to the bathroom: It is possible to feign an argument like this infamous Jimmy Tatro skit--you don't necessarily have to make it as intense or loud--or feign illness.
If feigning illness, one of you can begin implying or stating that you may throw up, and head-up to go to the bathroom
The other partner should then follow, either immediately or wait a few minutes, depending on what was said to each other.
If the second partner arrives at the bathroom after the other has already entered, just knock and say something like, "Is everything okay in there?" then head inside.
2. As the plane is ascending, listen for a beep from the in-flight messaging system.
The first beep comes without a subsequent announcement and indicates to the flight attendants that cruising altitude has almost been reached and that it is safe to begin their preparations.
The FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT sign will still be illuminated, but the flight attendants will get up.
As soon as the flight attendants clear the aisle, head for the lavatory.
Try to select one that is not visible from the galleys.
Have your date wait at least a minute, then meet you in the lavatory.
You should hear the beverage carts roll by. After a few minutes, the flight attendants will begin to serve drinks, blocking the aisle from passenger access.
If it seems too inconspicuous right before the second person enters the bathroom, then, as discussed above, have them knock on the door asking something like, "Hey [name], are you okay in there? Can I come in and check on you?"
Alternatively, or in addition, proceed to step 3.
3. Meet during the movie.
Plan your rendezvous for the beginning of the film, preferably when the film is at least fifteen minutes underway.
Most passengers and flight attendants stay out of the aisles and galley areas during the entertainment portion of the flight, so you will have more privacy.
You should proceed to the lavatory first, to be followed a minute later by your date.
4. Put down the toilet seat lid and clean it.
Wipe the seat with sanitary wipes if they are available, or use a wet paper towel with soap.
Not necessary, but hey, you never know what's been going on in there.
Additionally, place paper towels or a sanitary toilet seat cover on top for extra protection.
5. Be quiet and quick.
You will not have a lot of time before people are lining up to get into the restroom, especially if this isn't a red-eye flight or it is on a small plane.
6. Use a 'turbulence-friendly' position.
The safest positions involve one partner sitting on the closed toilet seat while straddled by the other.
Then, in the event of bumpy air, neither partner will be too close to the ceiling, risking a concussion.
If you choose to do standing doggy style, just be certain that both of you will be able to grab onto something if need be.
7. If you do encounter turbulence, hold on.
Brace yourself against the sink and do not try to stand up or move.
Stay where you are and ride it out.
Once it's over, continue riding it out.
8. Exit the lavatory together, feigning illness.
It is illegal to have sex in an airplane bathroom--so deny it in the unlikely event that you are asked.
Tell the flight attendant or other passengers that one of you was ill and the other was offering assistance.
9. Bonus Method for Red-eye Flights.
Purchase the aisle and window seat on a not-so-popular flight that typically doesn't sell out.
Since middle seats are usually avoided, you should have an entire row to yourselves.
Wait until the meal service has ended and the flight attendants begin to turn the cabin lights out.
Once they're off, that's your cue.
Snuggle up under a blanket together and get down to business!
People tend to sleep in odd positions on airplanes, so a position like reverse cowgirl should go unnoticed, provided you're concealed under a blanket.
Elevators
1. Ideally, find a building with an older elevator.
Many older elevators have an emergency STOP button that will allow you to halt the elevator.
On other units, flipping the switch from RUN to STOP will cause an alarm bell to sound.
You will still have plenty of time, at least ten or fifteen minutes, possibly as long as an hour, before firefighters or other emergency personnel are able to access the elevator cabin.
Moreover, your best bet is to do this in the dead of night or while most people are at work--if it's an apartment building, that is.
Note: Ensure that the elevator you pick isNOTa glass elevator---unless you want to end up on the evening news of course!
2. Alternatively, look for a freight elevator with padding on the walls.
Freight elevators will be less likely to have an alarm that sounds when the STOP switch is thrown.
The padding may also muffle sound and provide comfort.
Sometimes freight elevators will have carpeted walls instead of the padding, which could result in a rug burn on the back if you're using the walls!
3. Look for a Camera.
Virtually all new elevators have security cameras, as do some older ones, including freight elevators.
If a camera is present, cover the camera lens--it will probably be in a rear corner--with a piece of tape or with several postage stamps on it.
The security system may include audio as well, however, so it will be in your interest to keep the sex talk and name yelling to a minimum.
4. Option 1: Set the elevator at the top floor
If you'd like to pull this off without messing with the elevator emergency systems, setting the elevator at the highest floor possible is the way to go.
The odds of getting caught will be low--someone who just happens to be home from work or taking a late-night stroll on the top floor is really your only threat.
For this scenario, we suggest that you perform standing doggy-style right in front of the elevator buttons.
If the elevator door begins to open or the elevator starts to descend, you can both pull up your clothing while the person bending over can look like they're selecting a floor and the other can lean against the wall.
5. Option 2: Stop the elevator between floors.
Elevator doors house a mechanical clutch that opens the corridor (outer) doors.
If the elevator is not level with a floor, the corridor doors cannot open, and someone from the outside will not easily be able to open the inner doors.
You could also stop the elevator in the basement parking lot, although you run a higher risk of getting caught.
If you somehow have access to a Fireman's key, use this to shut off the elevator instead of the STOP button.
6. Release the STOP button or flip the switch to RUN when you are ready to leave.
Exit the elevator normally.
If emergency personnel are present, tell them you're not sure what happened and that you're okay.
7. Dress for the Job
We don't recommend wearing a 3-piece suit, multi-strapped gown, or jumpsuit.
You want fast access.
This can be different from person to person, but sweatpants, shorts, and skirts seem to get the job done quite well.
Dress comfortably and conveniently.
Be Aware
If the elevator is stopped level with a floor, an elevator technician will be able to open both the outer (corridor) doors and the inner (elevator) doors from the outside.
Dressing Rooms
Of everything on our last so far, we believe this one is probably the most 'frequently done'.
In fact, if you're reading this, you may have already checked this off your list, and this everything we say will be like a classroom exam review.
1. Look for a dressing room that has a door and walls that extend to the floor.
If all the dressing rooms have a gap between the floor and the walls, look for one with a secure door, rather than a curtain.
If you are in a store that has several dressing rooms, look for the least-trafficked or least-monitored areas.
Some dressing rooms have very hard-to-detect security systems--including two-way mirrors--so you cannot guarantee that you will not be seen.
2. Carry clothes as if you are going to try them on.
Follow behind a demanding customer who is requiring the attention of the sales associate on duty.
When the employee is occupied, make your move and duck into the dressing room.
3. Have your partner follow behind a few minutes later.
4. Be quiet.
The walls for dressing rooms are thin.
Heck, some don't even have doors and only have a curtain!
5. Be quick.
Five or ten minutes, MAX.
Speed is important, especially if your legs are visible beneath the walls.
Moreover, it may behoove you to grab a fair amount of clothing, enough to provide a realistic time window.
6. Depart from the dressing room one person at a time.
Check your appearance in the mirror, and leave the store's clothes in the dressing room.
They didn't fit!
If you are in the women's section of a department store, the woman should leave first and make sure the coast is clear.
If you are in the men's department, the man should leave first.
Taxi Cabs & Ubers
This bit on cabs is an excerpt from this article by Thrillist.
First, don't worry.
We have it on good authority that cab drives don't really care if you bang in their car in the first place.
Ubers may be a different story since they're more of an intimate riding experience, so proceed with caution!
1. Dress appropriately.
Not that you necessarily plan impromptu sex, but if you’re going in with a game plan, our source stresses this works best if the female counterpart (or whoever is planning to be penetrated) is wearing a dress or skirt.
“Removing clothes is obviously a bit more blatant.”
2. Have the girl or guy sit on your lap facing the front and enter them.
“This isn’t really out of the ordinary when you’re riding in cabs half the time anyway, and it’s pretty much the most discreet positioning you can do.”
3. Hold on to their hips tight, and pretend you’re going over a lot of potholes in the road.
This works best if it looks like some sort of drunken, flirtatious foreplay.
Speed is of the Essence
For speed and efficiency in airplanes, elevators, and dressing rooms, be sure to wear loose, baggy clothing.
For even more speed: Do not wear underwear.
Pour Conclure
Be vigilant out there if you choose to try out any of these methods.
And remember: use protection.
Even though it'll probably be done in a hurry, you always have time to be safe.
Stay tuned for part two.
-Liam
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Some of the information presented to you here today is from Joshua Piven's book, The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex.
We also referenced the following articles for our research for this post: Everything2, Thrillist, and Condomania.
P.S.
Please download our free booklet 6 Minutes to Maximizing Your Orgasmic Pleasure, we're SURE you'll like it. Secondly, take a peek at our toy catalog and see if we have anything that interests you.