This post started out as a prompt to retell what happened during the HivePH meetup but then more posting ideas came in as I just dragged along the month of May. I just lost track of several prompts that I just lumped it into this one. You can consider this total shitpost compilation for May and a subtle way to torture readers with the word counts and how self-absorb the content is. Just declaring it now that I got a lot of things going on offline that prevents me from making the most fun out of this ecosystem.
I don't intend this post to go trending because it's not quality content, so if you feel like rewarding the wall of texts, there's a tipping function available on Peakd frontend.
This serves as disclaimer to all that bother to read further, I’m not forcing structure on this blog post. The themes are jumbled. Ideas just flow as I write. I stop after a few paragraphs and then come back days after wondering what the hell was my train of thought when I said this? As much as I want the post to be entertaining, it’s just content that I’m just going to back read on some future date. My own consumption which happens to be viewable by everyone else. I am my own fan and I backtrack the ideas I’ve written down.
I’m just recalling the events as they stream into conscious memory. It’s almost a month worth of memory and a lot of stuff happened before this blog. Probably the first blog where I just squeezed in an entire month’s worth of blogging ideas into one post. It’s the first time I tried but this is how I like to create my blogs once in a while, spontaneous and carefree coherent and occasionally garbled.
Has anyone ever cringed at what they posted months to years back on the blockchain even as far as back in the legacy chain? I do, I revisit what I post and appreciate the different perspective I had then and now. That’s just how I track my own growth how my perspective changes overtime. If they come across this blog as their first encounter with my name, they won’t get it but I would. The future me would revisit this post and ponder on where to head in life just as the present me revisits my past posts to reevaluate where the fuck did I do wrong again?
Random Showerthought:
The middle way is establishing order and welcoming the chaos of how events can turn out. I continue to struggle with perfectionism by ram fisting the fuck it lets ad lib this and go. That’s how my blogging style changed over the years. Not every shit hurled at you in the morning should make your outlook for the rest of the bad. Not everything that is neatly packaged has substance. Cluttered minds have hidden gems once you get over the looney.
The HivePH Meetup in a Summary:
It was fun. Got to meet friends beyond their Hive names and appreciated their authenticity. Some parts of the experience needed a time machine to redo like organizing the small things during the event but I didn’t lose sleep. As someone that struggles with the internal drive for perfection and willfully introducing chaos to balance that rigid order, my approach is about pursuing the middle way. I’ve written some fragments of those thoughts at HivePH.
Before the Meetup
Talks about a possible meetup started during the last quarter last year but nothing was set in stone. I did travel to Manila for a convention and had a chance to meet arcgspy and cthings in person. They were the only active Hivers left on the platform that time who ever saw my face. Our initial meetup was short and an impromptu so I said to myself it’s not going to be a side quest when I do meet HivePH members in Manila the next time.
I just needed more reasons to compel me to plan the trip and this was when wittyzell mentioned about coming back from Japan. I needed an event where it’s scheduled months ahead and where the most people could gather. I don’t believe in horoscopes but I have to thank my Panda zodiac sign for the stars have aligned and things were looking great for my schedule.
I don’t really enjoy the anonymous person gimmick on the blockchain but the cons of just readily handing out your information online on permanent record wasn’t worth it. It’s not that hard to search for my info with a few cluttered details over the course of my blogging. A short recap about how I started the anon streak was an attempt to be known for my works than the face. If I had the chance to redo my start on the blockchain, I’d still choose the anon route but I know it’s going to be difficult when the culture shifted to favor those that show their face online, on Hive anyway.
I’ve had my information dug up by random stalkers sending words of admiration, threats, and scams. When you have a good public standing, your information becomes a prime target for scams. Compared to me being a ghost writer versus as physician, which information seems better to scam other people through ID theft?
When you had a gun pointed at you, threats about being stabbed or mauled become less impactful. It’s like the bar was raised that seeing online threats and in person verbal conflicts don’t really mean much. But that doesn’t mean getting threats isn’t annoying when they spam your inbox. So factoring in the risks I have to take while pushing through the meetup, I knew there’s no way to avoid someone accidentally leaking some parts about me on the blockchain despite the reminders. Someone from the event will eventually forget one small detail and there’s not much I can do about it once it’s on the blockchain. So moving forward, I just thought about the inconveniences about being anon I no longer need to mind if more details about me got doxed.
Fast forward to the actual process of filing for leave and booking the tickets, these were new to me. I never took a vacation for 3 years since being employed despite how much HR nagged about using those leaves cause the law says so. I never booked a flight on my own because I was always stuck at work and never saw the want/need for travel. There was never any good reason to take a break from the daily grind since I was used to it until the plans for the meetup happened.
I never knew how much difficult it was to leave work until I saw I had a deadline motivated for personal rest and relaxation. The faster I finished tasks, the faster work piles up that made me doubt whether bothering to go was worth the headache when coming back. On the day of the flight, I had three different scenarios that warranted me to consider bailing out. A patient’s report was missing, a specimen needed processing, a document needed to be attended do on short notice and the side quests that came from the three main quests.
Shit, it’s like the universes just doesn’t want me to chill. But I already gave my word that I’ll go and even made up my mind about signing those resignation papers in contempt if I didn’t have my way. Because good riddance job that pays well and all the money I can’t even use to have fun. There’s a lot to unpack between those sentences up but I don’t want to drag this section of my misery long.
Onboarded a plane and got seated in between two beautiful ladies which made me just say great, now I can’t use any arm rests because I got to give these two their space. I can’t even enjoy the view except what’s in front because I might trigger some alarms that I’m checking out these two. I could just tell from peripheral vision that I was being checked out to see if I’m checking them out, it was awful but I had my book to mind. It wasn’t a pleasant flight but I’m glad I brought a book to pass the time. I landed on Manila and waited an extra hour or two for Witty just internalizing the atmosphere while I’m outside.
So, I managed to cross off something off a bucket list and that’s traveling alone. Met wittyzell on the airport and she’s exactly how she looks on the photos which made it not that hard to spot her from the crowd. The first impression chats went as awkward but nothing beyond what I’m used to. Then we proceeded to wait for jude.villarta.
We stayed at demotry place and the night/early morning trips to fast food stores nearby were the best. It’s those casual night walks and exploring unfamiliar places that I tend to like doing. Having people to converse with along the way was icing in the cake. Now I know I’ve skipped mentioning impressions of these Hivers but I don’t really see a need to elaborate they matter.
The most tangible way someone could tell if they matter is seeing me spend time with them or be physically present. Having an INTJ personality type meant being comfortable with solitude to the point that it’s been a running meme where solitary confinement isn’t so bad. Our social batteries are low and that limit constantly requires us to recharge so we use our social time sparingly. There’s plenty of fun stuff to be preoccupied and it happens inside our heads.
I’ve known these people for months and they’re not acting off character. They were the same people but in corporeal form. The same thing can be said for the ones I eventually got to meet in person. I was in and out of the moment. I was on leave but work rang on my phone. I wanted to talk to people I’ve wanted to meet in person for a long time. But I was talking to doctors and patients that frequently see me instead. The juxtaposition of being physically present but mentally absent. The desire to be mentally present but forced by circumstance to be somewhere else.
It may have looked like I wasn’t having fun but I did. It’s just that some stuff was happening in the internal world all at once that makes it difficult process it. I wanted to have fun without the guilt but the work I left crept up. I did my best, fuck work and just talk and drink.
Post Meetup Thoughts:
This was post vacation period where I was greeted with surrealism and reality lumped into a 24 hour period. As soon as I came back with still a day left of my leave, I went back into the hospital just to check the load of work piled up. Mentally organizing how to proceed while processing how the last few days were amazing. Finally achieving several things and having an equivalent exchange of headaches. It was an experience I don’t regret.
Random Train of Thought:
But addressing the work that came after was a different story entirely. I don’t recall an episode in a few years when I felt a visceral reaction to avert human interaction. My social battery was already at its limit and I have to report to work and talk to people more. There were deadlines and there were meetings and the only alone time I had was falling asleep for less than 2-3 hours a day. This was a period when I was straining myself at being polite when I just wanted to say, the fuck are you still here at the office on a Sunday working? I thought I had this place to myself and get out of my mental space.
There were numerous notifications on my messenger, discord and other messaging apps because some doctors have specific socmed apps to reach them outside regular text and calls. When bombarded with work messages that have congested over the leave time and personal messages from significant others also added into the mix, it triggers a visceral reaction that I don’t like talking to people and please just do me a favor that if I reply don’t bother responding back.
The last straw was when a friend of the past made a complaint about me seen zoning or ignoring their message even after 48 hours. It wasn’t an important message compared to work I constantly do so that automatically moves their message at the bottom of the list but damn they got mad at me ignoring the message. Made me reevaluate my relationships again, I’m low maintenance on social interaction. If our last conversation was years back and we were in good terms, we can continue where we left off years after. The same thing for days or weeks without talking. There’s no need for constant validation that we’re doing well so if ever I message you and you don’t reply for weeks, I’ll assume you’re a busy person and maybe some other time.
I see the damn messages and I don’t see the point of responding to idle chatter. If it’s like and death or there’s a few minutes to spare, I’ll reply. It didn’t help that people asking for my time often had plenty of it because they weren’t engaging in long hours of work or in the field of work related to mine. It doesn’t help that those that want a piece of your attention aren’t putting themselves into your shoes and think hmmm maybe this person isn’t replying because they have a lot of stuff going on. Nope, the default answer is just a snob, rude, or being intentionally ignored. I say good riddance and that’s how I prune my relationships.
Social interactions are weighed between should I do this work/project now or spend time with people? The safest choice was always the former because that’s how I earned my merits by spending more time getting shit done to advance my career or accomplish something. Yeah I’m not going to be fun at parties but this direction in life was motivated by a life lesson where someone can be loved by all and still be ineffective and inefficient. Someone else who does the heavy lifting on things that matter can be disliked because they lacked something on the public relations department.
Random Shower Thought:
I need counseling. A suggestion brought up by a co-worker after noticing how I’m withdrawn and trying to be a recluse at the office. Still at the phase where I’m trying to get the work done and recovering my internal reset after vacation. I was trying to avert social interactions and had a mumbled prayer please don’t notice me, or acknowledge I exist so I can be at peace doing my work. Not going to be surprised if they noticed a crack in the mask of me trying to be polite instead of just telling people straight up stfu and leave me alone can’t you see this pile of work I’m trying to do? But that never happened. I came close to when a co-worker phoned me right in the middle of it asking me about something they said important. Dashing in 2 buildings away from my current spot I asked what was it about only for them to inquire about gossip over X and Y which they specifically made it sound urgent.
Did I mention I never had a chance to recharge my social batteries? I looked at my senior for the first time in blank silence with boiling waters in. Used the two breaths rule and reevaluated my position. In the room were interns and coworkers. I say something now, there’s no taking it back but there was no doubt that coworkers sensed they something off because the quiet one started to act different and looked at them funny. I let it go after the second exhale and moved out of the room. Had there were no interns, I would have lost it. I left my important work 2 buildings away for someone else want for tea.
Leaving behind precious minutes of my time to get those documents printed by trying to negotiate between 3 other doctors with pending cases needed to be released ASAP. I proceeded to leave and continue catching up with my deadlines. I had a goal in mind and that is to accomplish the daily grind, berating anyone even if deserved had little purpose. But the message was clear enough that it made my co-workers see what could be.
Is this important?
No, I just wanted to ask if you knew X and Y because remember when we saw them at the mall the other day.
No, but I do remember seeing X. Is this the only reason you called me to come this urgent while I was busy at the back?
Yes, you’re busy? Sorry I thought-
Yes I’m busy, but clarifying it again that this is
specifically the ONLY reason you called for me so urgent? Nothing else related to work?
Yes and-
Ok, I’m going back to the other building. (I think I'm still a good person but I murdered them 9x times in 9x different ways inside my head and still felt guilty 3x)
They apologized but I didn’t need it nor expected it. The only relief I felt back then was not losing composure and walking away as soon as I could to get back to work. It’s the consequences of saying something you mean and consistently true that hurts other people’s feelings but you can’t take it back regardless of how much playtalk gets added thereafter. In the end, my goals are more important than petty issues that just needs some breathing exercises to go over. I think there’s always been that misconception about being lonely and finding comfort in solitude.
Has anyone ever looked at their phone and hear the notification sound of a call, text, or whatever chatting app it’s on background then just feel a visceral phobia of please don’t talk to me I hate social interactions? I can’t turn it off because important messages often urgent and I can get called at 2am just to report to work for a case cause that’s my lifestyle. For the longest time, most people contact me when they need something, there are no pleasantries, that’s how 9/10 and 1/10 are spam or significant others make up the number of messages I receive are about people wanting something from me, solve this, pay this, can I get a loan? when are you free do discuss business? How’s it going I need funding please? Doc there’s a report that’s missing, I’m following up on patient X, can you make a report about this? All lumped together under the theme of social interactions that want to take away more of my time. As soon as my phone rings, there’s reflexive drive to snatch it and throw on the wall. Better to hate the object than the person calling.
I just grit my teeth wishing people stopped noticing me, stop contacting me, stop calling me, I'm trying to work, catch up, have solitude but where's my damn extrovert energy?
Trading:
Trades have been good despite the downtrend. Not enough to qui my day job but fun enough to make me consider it as one of the fall backs. Had I have more time to watch the market, I just know I’ll get better at it.
Some people need the consequences of their advice as tuition:
I use a simple screening tool whether the advice is worth listening to or not. Did it come from someone that practices what they preach? If I wanted advice about my taxes, I’d seek an accountant. If I want legal advice, I’d seek a lawyer. If I want a medical advice, I’d seek out a colleague that specializes in my medical condition. Some people are just more than willing to take advice from others that aren’t even invested in their troubles.
My medical advice to a patient that needs to have their foot checked went unheard. They sought consult with a faith healer and found out the tree spirit was causing the problem. A few weeks and the patient came back with the same problem but a little worse than when I last seen them. Not trying to get outdone by the quacks, I consulted the spirit of penicillin and the successive generations for help.
I need counseling:
Probably my dark humor kicking in during the most inconvenient times or just genuine capacity to move on quick that triggered a partner to claim I need counseling. Maybe it’s the way I’m blunt, monotonous, or just mostly chill whenever morbid situations pops up. Throughout my course in the medical field, more than half the time I get assigned to critical patients. Not my fault if I’m getting assigned to toxic ones nor do I think I’m jinxed. In fact, toxic patients with their health care demands builds grit over shifts that go unremarkable.
Listening to people’s problems during grief or anticipated grief is a unique experience. Most people can sympathize with grieving for a loved one, their loved one. My perspective involves seeing strangers I barely even know go through different stages as they stay in the hospital. I can sympathize but empathy is out of the question most of the time. In sympathy you put yourself into someone else shoes and thinking how much it would suck if it happened to you too therefore some understanding happens. I sympathize but not empathize.
Medschool has this screening test where examiners interview candidates about their emotional control. You shed a tear trying to recall an emotional moment when asked about the saddest thing that happened to you, expect your chances of being accepted lower. We were all given the same question but rhymed differently. You’re expected to get your shit together because the job you’re trying to get into expects you to. They’re not looking for robots, just people who can keep composure during stressful times.
I was on rounds and partner starts to ask if I could cover for them. I asked why? ah, 8 patients expired huh. Sure, go get some mental health break while I cover for your floors. One or two of those patients grew onto them at some point being on long term care. Fast forward a few hours when I thought they got over it but nope, I just had to cover for an entire shift trying to figure out which patients they were handling. I don’t expect an average person to be resistant to emotional stress but for people engaging in work that requires them to keep their shit together at all times, it’s a frustrating experience to do some heavy lifting for their share of the work.
At the end of the day, there’s this mental hygiene where I reorient myself that it’s not my problem. And the closest thing to true empathy I ever experienced was when a colleague walked into the lounge and saw me about to sleep in the couch fresh from a rough shift. We made weary eye contact and exchanged a nod. There was no need for words. No need for talks about how hard the shift was. No need to express how much quitting seemed like a good idea or anything. Just silence and understanding that both of you just went through the same thing and thinking the same thing without saying a word and that was genuine empathy.
Have you ever found someone you can empathize with often that there’s no need to say anything to be understood in the moment?
My favorite part about talking to aspiring counselors is gauging how much they figured out life and giving advices. I have an innate resistance to counseling because the tools used for therapeutic talks are the same tool set I use for patients. Let’s just say it’s hard to be in the zone of getting help when you already broke down the possible approaches of who’s asking. Silence, reflection, clarifying, probing, non-verbal gestures and etc. Those are the skill sets you get used to practice on other people when engaging with therapeutic talks. Knowing some of the added theories and clinical approaches to the process didn’t do me a favor at all because I tend to “aren’t you going to ask me this? I think you forgot to ask this? I’m not sure if you’re still on track following the checklist for DSM V if that’s your line of questioning. Is this test still valid when I can customize the answer to appear alright?”
I had two viable options when to selecting my residency training, to be a Pathologist or a Psychiatrist.
My experience with rotating at the Psychiatric department is meeting 50-80 patients per day with each carrying their own emotional baggage. Some are new cases where it takes more than half an hour to have a baseline while some take less time because they are scheduled on follow up. You get to hear all sorts of stories and think how cruel, dumb, evil, and good people can be.
Probably one of the most memorable experience for me was during my first day at the department and I was on the front desk asking what did they came here for. They just opened up a “I was referred here from women’s desk because I got raped…” and started to shed a tear in front of you. I took in the 2 second stun and immediately said ok, let’s hear about it but first I’m going to need your name and etc. You do this for a couple of days and you get used to it.
At first people had unique circumstances that led them to seek consult. Petty crimes, psychosis, schizophrenia, troubled youth, maladaptive grieving, personality disorders, domestic violence and etc. Each person is unique until you start approaching the work systematically. People under the influence illegal substances are sorted here, those that need more dosage adjustments go here, general counseling work for troubled youth with their parents come here, and now people lose their individually and get categorized. This method triages people and ensures those who need help the most get attention first but even with this system, there’s only so much one can do for their limited time and resources.
Quality of being heard and helped during consultation decreases in exchanged for efficiency. It’s not ideal but then again nothing is ever ideal when we’re talking about mental health in the country. Like training an AI, I could start guessing how the story unfolds because societal problems get pushed into the individual and their stories, while unique on their own, can rhyme. Mother and father never loved them much, went with the wrong crowd, got into substance abuse, has a family history of being prone to depression and relatives treated for psychosis, and you’re suspecting Schizophrenia or antisocial personality disorder. You get used to it and get good at doing the next step which makes your responses more mechanical as you go along.
Efficiency can also mean you figured out the solution people haven’t processed yet. There’s an algorithm for each problem and when clients fall under textbook cases, you also deliver textbook solutions because that’s what is empirically proven to be true. Yes, I heard your cries but the end point of this transaction is we talk to establish rapport, work out some issues with therapy, get a prescription if needed, and schedule a follow up as needed.
As for mental health breaks, I learned I can keep a straight face and continue the work without needing the mental rest. They poured their hearts out and I could just keep on using the therapeutic communication without a problem. Now friends or family never see this side of me in action because I don’t talk to them like they’re clients. I could talk like that but I chose not to and I wish people would stop expecting me to talk to them as if they were my clients when they’re conversing with me as friend or family member. My clients aren’t friends or family therefore I switch communication style that colleagues have the impression I got possessed by a different person.
There’s nothing more constricting than people expecting you to constantly behave in a certain way because society expects you 24/7 to be that. Like a healer isn’t allowed to relax, complain, lick their wounds, let loose and say the unlikely therapeutic things just cause it’s unnatural to be off your societal role. Like how do people at the service industry are expected to cope if they continue to smile when they’re internally falling apart? There’s bound to be downtimes when professionals aren’t going to be doing their proper decorum because putting an act is hard.
Dealing with excess baggage is hard. Each person has their own burden to carry and it’s not apparent on their faces. You just can’t tell which ones are emotionally wrecked from those that can keep their shit together just by their looks.
It goes back to the backend machinery in my head where at the end of the day, it’s still their problem and not yours. I can feel just fine and sympathize but not enough to make me bawl into tears and ask for breaks. From the lens of efficiency, a 5 min break for each person meant some people on queue may not be able to wait long and go home. A lot could happen if the person went home in distress. Some people need more time than others to interview so it’s not realistic to expect it’s just going to be a 15 min talk even if there’s more of you doing the same task. If they do go home unseen, there’s a chance that they might to something wrong. You’re pressed with time to cater to as many people as you can.
I don’t get that luxury of picking who sits in front of me during those days. Everyone is a can of worms with emotional baggage to unpack and that’s alright. I still think people at the individual level deserve more time to get their mental health checked in but if you’re in a government setting, there’s less you can do. The environment isn’t even conducive for opening up most of the time.
On another disorganized mental note, the patient that was following up on their result during my vacation died. I traced the errors in the system and figured out they could’ve had treatment soon by as early as 2 weeks before their cancer got worse. It was a combination of bad endorsements and poor appraisals in the health care system. Like how some practitioners prefer to wait when they already have the necessary information to get started treatment and etc. Reviewing my own contribution to the fault, my turn around time for their result was delayed due to workload I was already carrying.
Not entirely my fault since there’s just too many cases to review and pressed for so little time, but still, it’s not like a case is a numeric number alone. There’s a human life equivalent to that and awaiting treatment. Perhaps, if I didn’t take that vacation, that patient’s outcome would’ve changed and they bought a few more days left for anticipated grieving. She was a mother on her late 30s with two kids. I met the husband and he was understandably angry at the turnaround time. I checked the backstory and saw they already have the diagnosis but the clinician still wanted to get more tests done to be sure.
I saw the patient and said, damn, she should be admitted now and shouldn’t be walking under this heat. Her eyes were yellow, both feet swollen, and belly so full of fluid. It hurts to ambulate but the wife endured it to get that result. That was the first and last time I saw her because the next day her facebook account turned into black profile signifying mourning. Both of them thanked me and I was just thinking to myself, I did nothing. The system failed you.
A little side note, the husband was pissed but talking to people was something I’m good at despite how people close to me beg to differ. It’s a skill I picked up over the course of conflict management through the years. I won him over through negotiation, he needed a contact from the Surgery department, coordinate a follow up over the out patient department for his wife, and solved more problems in paper work that he himself haven’t realized. It didn’t take long for him end the conversation grateful despite how rocky our first meeting started. They both left and as they walked away, I could only think about how much the health care system has failed these people and I was a part of that.
There were more occasions like these before. The patient comes in sick, I have the impression that they shouldn’t be the ones processing these documents and under this horrible humid weather. Thanks me for doing extra work processing their documents and leave never seeing them again thereafter. Why? because the results written on their papers spelled malignancy.
When a client opened their result in front of you and reading out the bad news, they look at you and ask why? please explain. I can’t. I’m not the primary care physician and they’re supposed to discuss these kind of stuff with them. Clients are smart, they can google what is written but still ask you the why. I do the spiel of telling them it is what we found during examining the specimen sent and it’s up to their main physician to tell them their treatment options.
Even after retelling all these experiences, I’m doing well. Like I said, at the end of the day, I could only afford to sympathize with people’s problems. It’s hard to communicate this part when you’re talking to overly sensitive folks who think they are morally better because you adapted dark humor into your system. I work near a morgue, do autopsies, deal with specimens taken out from the human body that spell out cancer, talk to patients and get acquainted with mortality of life being in hospital. This lifestyle warps your perspective about life and death compared to someone who works outside the profession.
Whenever someone makes a remark about grim themes, I do subtle knowledge test to see how familiar they are at the subject. Everyone’s a philosopher sharing their pieces of wisdom they learned until you realized it’s just their minor encounters on the subject and what they read online that backs that knowledge. Imagine hearing strangers converse about how the human body works or the process it undergoes during decomposition, forensics, autopsies and etc using knowledge they learned from exaggerated television shows. Nope, that’s not how it works but you keep that to yourself there’s no gain to be had butting in.
It's a numbers game:
It’s been more than 5,000 words in, do I really think people are going to read this stuff? Honestly, no. I most likely lost 9.5/10 of my audience around the first 1/8 part of the post by now and doubt they’ll ever come back. Got a little bit of introspection after reviewing my previous entries and I got to say fuck it, I’m right on track on my own internal goals. Splitting these into subposts will generate more $ for my time but it’s not as fun as breaking previous personal bests.
Count your views, see the metrics, be a better blogger as evidenced by numerical validations that probably didn’t matter. At the back of my head, there are several voices saying pay attention to form, grammar, SEO, content, your audience, this and that. I hear them, there were phases that I did pay attention to all but ended up losing the motivation to even move if unachievable expectations were the end point. I like the freedom and the costs is not putting out cookie cutter content.
People subscribe to personality and a bloggers content is an extension of that personality. Maybe I should start over and rebrand, have that old demure blogger than tries to conform. Maybe I’ll win a different game and have a different perspective on Hive. Too bad that chance is long gone.
Gossipers and the gossip they tell:
It’s a pet peeve of mine to hear people claim they can’t stand other people talking behind their backs when I just heard them a few moments ago talking shit about someone’s back. I don’t know how people can be selectively hypocrites at their own doing. I never paid attention to celebrities, their lives are their own business and yet if that’s the only thing media and household conversations are all about, count me out. I don’t know these people nor invested at their own personal business. But I do know other people who are so invested to the next tea leaked on social media about the lives that have little to do with their own. It’s just a waste of mental space to care for most strangers who have little impact with your daily business.
Hoping the result is positive:
One habit I acquired when reading results is wanting to see if the breast cancer is responsive to estrogen, progesterone or HER2, because these gives hope that a cost effective targeted therapy is available than having all three negative. A triple negative result also translates to poor prognosis and more financial burden for the patient. I know it’s bad, but it could be worse kind of moments. And maybe this small detail is the consolation patients need when it comes to fighting cancer when they know it’s amenable for hormonal therapy.
There are plenty of “I know it’s bad but it could’ve been worse’ moments during my time reviewing specimens sent suspected for malignancy only to come out as benign. Sometimes it’s an exchange of looks of relief between colleagues or patients after releasing the result.
There are occasional cases where patients have already exhausted their sources of funding and we’re left with an open-ended case where it can’t be diagnosed without those special tests. During these times, I no longer think much about the cost but just ask the receptionist if how much do I need to cover to get this processed without reimbursement in mind. I already spoke with patients that have these cases and they all have the same sad story that rhymes. So I say, spare me the time listening and let’s just jump straight to processing the solution.
I’ll still end up looking like a jerk for not hearing what they have to say, have them say less of the thank you and just give “don’t mind it much, it’s ok, I got it covered”, expression of gratitude, stories of hardships, this and that, but the end point is not much can be done if I don’t shell out my personal cash and I don’t need the sales talk. I just want to sleep knowing I’ve done my part for the case and get it over with. I don’t undermine how patients who have less want to express their gratitude for the gesture, but I just prefer hearing less of the thanks you. Because it’s all just the repetitive story that I can’t build on, great that I helped but I didn’t do much, really.
There’s a surreal feeling to talk to a patient that look like they should be hospitalized and on critical care but still ambulating and processing papers. On that day, you were having a conversation and the next day you’ll see their facebook profile with dark profiles and candles, dead. The one I was talking to was someone else’s significant other. These aren’t rare cases; these are regular interactions I go by with my line of work. And when people think that I can’t get their pain and shit because of my dark humor, I just remind myself that they live a lifestyle where they don’t get to see or gain experience to acquire this wisdom.
Like the proverb don’t do to others what you don’t want to do to you, we know the wisdom behind that line can take a long essay to explain but a snippet of that summed up wisdom is what we have. So when I say, yeah at the end of the day, it’s not my problem it’s someone else but I’ll do what I can that is reasonably expected of me to get shit done.
Another Vacation:
Went to a tropical island with co-workers for rest and relaxation, slept through it most of the time because I couldn’t find the internal drive to connect with people I don’t really want to be with. Unlike my previous meetup with HivePH members, there’s really nothing to pick up on why I want to start a conversation on my own. I think I’m just indifferent that these are the same people I spend time with at the office and being too familiar killed the drive.
I got pressured to join in and pitched a substantial amount of funds into the trip so it’s a waste not to join. I went to the tourist destinations I used to only see in brochures and tv. Thought my impression of these places were great until I saw the place for myself. A few seconds of awe and the magic was gone, been there, done that. This gave me a lesson about my future travels, either I go far away to meet someone or see a site alone or travel with people I really want to be with. I think it was never about the place but the quality time spent and memories to be made that made me look forward to traveling.
We’re all a bunch of meat bags waiting their turn:
There’s been a series of autopsies done lately and most of them are made up of children barely reaching the age of two. I looked at the chart, the patient and folks. I got used to this. The children looked like they didn’t deserved it but that’s their luck or some may consider fate if you’re going spiritual about it. Like the deceased kids, I’m just thinking there are plenty of people who take their long life for granted. But death is an equalizer and everyone is just waiting their turn either forced by fate or by their own doing.
What troubles me, if it is a problem, is the lack of reactions I can cough up at the moment. I think I’ve gotten used to death to the point that it’s like breathing in and out. There’s probably a reaction if a significant other was involved by recalling my own experience with the loss of loved ones, it’s not far from how I act when it happens to strangers. There’s an internal world where being aware of my own mortality and coming into terms with morbid outcomes. We’re all waiting for our time until the last grain of sand falls within the hour glass.
Answering the Community Why through Bayanihan:
Out of all the random thoughts I’ve written above, this subtopic is probably the only topic I consider that matters most. Reading Simon Sinek’s book about asking the why for leadership, it gave me priceless insights in running a community. It aligns with my own values about people. Why I don’t feel entitled to be given a fuck when I can’t even give a fuck about others. It was an encouraging comment, not the upvotes/payout of the post the made me continue blogging since my days on the legacy chain.
It’s the lack of community spirit among Filipino users that convinced me some stuff needs to be changed at the cultural level within Hive’s microecosystem. The old generation of Hive users coming from Steem have already adapted a rigid view about how to gain value in the blockchain. This made them inflexible into the vision I’m trying to build in HivePH. At its core, HivePH is a community of Filipino users who teach new Filipinos on Hive about the ecosystem by creating an environment conducive for Bayanihan.
I want to focus on systems and culture rather than the individual level. When you design systems where individuals are empowered to make impactful decisions to other users and those decisions measurable outcomes. People can make grand goals and never pursue them. Making a goal is easy, making a system you can consistently follow through to make that goal happen is hard, and it’s even harder when the plan involves being at the mercy of other people’s whim. HivePH thrives because of the people willing to uplift others on the platform.
This culture when carried over to the next generation of users can improve the overall user experience. There will come a time when every new user becomes old and start getting used to the platform. The novelty of the ecosystem on the social side eventually wanes so there’s plenty of time to focus on other stuff. That’s where I’m at right now, I figured I’m getting too old for posting for rewards and started shifted to shitposting because I felt like it and other efforts diverted to building on others.
The funny part about trying to build on communities is that when you say you want to help people, they’ll be skeptic because how things aren’t really rainbows and sunshines. This is why I subscribe to rewarding users through merits. Their deeds and consistency matter more than the promises they spout. It’s all promises about doing good this and that until they leave because there’s nothing else to take. You can’t build on promises but you can improve systems to make those promises a reality.
What started out as grand aspirations to support Filipino users on Hive has been curved into just focusing on the few who really need the guidance on how to thrive the most. Be realistic, practical and still pursuing the steps that led to grand outcomes without intentional forcing grand goals in. Looking back at the last few years since I continued on Hive, I couldn’t imagine or just half believed that some of the goals I envisioned can come true. People other than me made that happen and I just led some parts of the work into that direction.
When it comes to the future of HivePH, I’m not really seeing myself leading the community long. I’m just waiting for someone else to replace me that is far more capable on the social side to run things because out off the spotlight is where I’m best at.
End:
I’ve broken my previous records of shitposting. This is by far the longest post that span more than a month to finish with intermittent entries. The month of May gave me several steps ahead in the wisdom department. The thoughts are disorganized as they come, whatever shitpost I thought about doing for the day just gets summed into a paragraph or two than a thousand-word post each. I won’t likely be doing it again. For the readers that still stuck around reading this part, thank you for your time.