LETTERS TO J episode 5 (SUICIDAL)
Dear J.
Have you ever felt like you should just die? Well, I have. A lot of times in fact. So much so that one evening in 2011, I swallowed four sleeping pills and went to bed, hoping to never wake up. Guess what J... I'm still here. I didn't even nap for up to two hours. It was demoralizing. But it showed me that whether I liked it or not, I still had a lot to live for. Guess what happened after that day... Come on, guess. Don't worry, I'll tell you. I realised I had a gift. The very next day, I wrote my very first poem. A funny piece written to make fun of my physics teacher. One that got me into the limelight.
Anyways... We digressed a bit from what I wanted to write you about this evening. My question was, have you ever felt like you should just die? Like you don't want for yourself what everyone else wants for you? Have you ever felt alone? Like you're being taken advantage of at every turn? Have you ever felt like you haven't found your true purpose in life? Have you ever asked “what am I doing here?” I'm sure you haven't. I mean come on. You're J. King of kings and Lord of bloody lords.
I'm sorry for my foul mouthed outburst J. I know you don't like that. I can't promise it won't happen again though. Just saying.
I've asked myself all of these and more. Sometimes I feel like the only thing that can numb the feeling is alcohol and caffeine. It works for a while. And then it doesn't. And so I have to take some more. Music helps. But it brings too many demons circling in my head that I don't think I can trust it not to make me feel worse.
J... What is wrong with me?
I know what your word says about all of these. But it's one thing to know and another to practice. Teach me how to not feel so alone. Give me the courage to see meaning in my life. To feel like what I'm doing matters.
I wish you'd answer those prayers right now. But I know better. For now, I'll take each day like I've always taken all the days of my life. With a deep sigh of resignation. Until you answer my prayers.
I really wish I could write more. Till next time though.
Goodnight J.
Henry Crown loves you.