Everyday I wake up, that seems like a good thing right? I'm blessed with another day.. so why do I hate waking up?
Why do I spend my nights tossing and turning, my brain never shutting off.
Feels like insomnia, but I've never been diagnosed with it. I've also never been diagnosed with depression. But that's only because when I spoke to my mother about it, I was denied and told that I don't have it and that I should feel lucky for the life I have.
I feel lucky.. I'm in college, I'm close to graduating, I have a boyfriend, a cat, and a best friend. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and money in my bank account. By all means I'm blessed.
So why is it that I hate waking up? Because every night since I was 10, I have been wishing for death. And I know this sounds stupid to most, but I hate living. Life sucks. It's complicated and stressful and honestly pointless. You are probably thinking, why would a 10 year old want to die? Because at 10 years old I stopped being a kid.
Around this time my parents were back in fourth at court, fighting over custody of my brother and I. We were put in therapy, talked to by so many different counselors, and then given off to my mother because my father got tired of fighting. Sure that sounds like a good thing, but it was the start to the worst years of my life.
I'll put things into bullet points to sum up the years because going into detail sucks:
- Molested by my step father at 10 years old
- At 12 years old had to move into the same house as my molester
- Continuously molested for 3 years
- Got arrested in high school at 16
- 3 failed suicide attempts by 2013
- Had to find my own ride to school and
pack my own lunches in junior high - Hadn't heard from my father in years
- Countless ruined birthdays
- Treated like Cinderella
- Beaten by my mother
- Year of feeling worthless
- Called a liar when I confronted my mother about being molested
- Spent 3 years trying to gain my mothers trust again
- Years of self harm
But then there was a light at the end of the tunnel, a college 5 hours from home. It was a God sent! I was finally able to get away from my mother and all the hell my life had been through. I applied and got in.
Move-in day approached and I was finally free, I started feeling happy. My life was beginning to step out of the darkness. But of course you don't always get to be happy. Disaster struck when my ex best friend and I got into a fight.. it was stupid and immature but that's how we all are in our freshman and sophomore years of college. I felt alone, I was devastated. And then cyber-bullying happened... I really hate depression, because when you are low. It makes you feel like the only way out, is death. So I attempted suicide again...obviously I failed or I wouldn't be writing this.
I'm sorry, I digress lets get back to the topic.
Are you afraid of dying?
No, I am afraid of living...
I'm afraid of going through life and never actually being happy. I don't know how to solve this..
I gotta say, I never thought I'd make it this far in my life. I'm 22 and about to graduate college!
But am I happy? Well I should be, shouldn't I?
So why aren't I?