For Immediate Release:
Riften, 26th of Sun's Dawn, 4E 202 - Celebrated Skyrim resident Murderiser has today announced that he and the warrior Lydia will be going their separate ways.
“For me,” Murderiser says, “it’s all about fighting evil, plundering vaults and learning new skills. However, over the past few weeks it’s become increasingly clear to me that Lydia’s chief interests are standing in doorways so that I can’t get past, jumping in front of me just as I’m about to loose an arrow, and exclaiming ‘Hey, look, a cave!’ moments after we’ve left a cave.”
The couple first met when Murderiser purchased Breezehome, a small, tumble-down property in fashionable Whiterun. “Lydia was assigned to be my house carl,” Murderiser adds, “but I realised that she wasn’t happy very early into our relationship. I asked her to hold a shield I’d found and she said, ‘I am sworn to carry your burdens.’ But it was the way she said it that got to me, as though she was utterly bored with the situation. Bored! We’d just killed a dragon!”
The couple’s relationship has been quite frosty, with Lydia seemingly uninterested in participating in anything but combat. “I gave her everything,” Murderiser says. “New armour, all the arrows she could ever need, healing potions... I even went out of my way to make her a new pair of gauntlets – quality work, even though I do say so myself – but she refused to wear them.
“I’ll be going it alone from now on,” he adds. “I think that’s best for both of us. I’ll get on with my plundering and Lydia will be free to follow her own path.”
When presented with the separation papers, it is reported that Lydia’s only reaction was, “I’ve never seen anything quite like that.”