Dear Steemit,
every time someone asks me what I do for a living, if I go to school, where I see myself in the future, I get overcome with this aching shame. I don't want to tell them that I don't do anything yet, that I dropped out, that I try not to think about it. Their questions trigger a flight response and I do whatever I can to get out of answering, or make a joke when I can't. Once they know my truth, I fear they will look down at me, like I'm a failure or a waste of space. And this feeling only gets worse when they ask me why.
The thing is, I'm learning to be okay with my past decisions. I'm starting to accept that I can't go back to change anything so I need to move forward. I'm finally forgiving myself.
But then someone else enters the picture and I lose all the inner peace I've conjured up.
"So are you in college?"
"No, actually I dropped out of high school."
"Oh, how come?"
"Anxiety."
And then I get to study their faces and try not to project my own insecurities. I've seen pity faces, condescending faces, cringing faces, disappointed faces. Just all these faces that I am trying to not see in myself. And there I am, looking into it's eyes, and trying not to sink back into the self loathing I felt for years afterward.
Some people respond positively.
"Well mental health is more important"
"School is overrated anyway"
"I'm glad you did what was best for you"
I appreciate people like this more than I can express, but the shame still creeps up on me.
I know it was the right decision and that even if it weren't, it doesn't need to hold me back. But it was still weakness. I let myself down. Quitting, avoiding and hiding are only symptoms of the greater anxiety problem. That's the real source of shame. I'd really love to face it alone, internally, and not have people bring it to the surface.
