Are you tired of looking for love in all the wrong places?
Haha, totally-not-pained fake laughter, I’ve been there.
Well, good news! I’ve heard from my favorite news and science source, Twitter.com, that soulmates are real. So, all you need to do is hunt yours down!
Here are some ideas of how you can locate the one and only singular person among 7+ billion humans on Earth who was born solely to serve as your absolute, perfect, undeniable love match. (And just so happens to live in a convenient place, speaks your language, and shares your approximate socioeconomic class — unless they’re really hot, in which case foreign or poor is fine.)
First, you must find yourself.
Ask yourself, where did you last have you? Probably near your glasses or keys. Retrace your steps. If that doesn’t work, pull an Eat Pray Love to find yourself.
Say “Beetlejuice” three times.
Maybe he’s your soulmate. Better check.
Ask your Amazon Echo.
I just yelled to my #1 girl Alexa “Yo, Alexa. Do you know where my soulmate is?” She responded “hmm, I’m not sure,” which is at least more helpful than OkCupid.
Check Google Maps, MapQuest, or Waze.
Betcha they’re at the corner of Love Street and Sex Drive.
Visit some garage sales.
Maybe you’ll find your future spouse there. Or even better, a discount patio furniture set.
Yell “Marco!”
Lots of people will reply “Huh? Sorry you dialed the wrong number,” but your soulmate will shout back “Polo!”.
Go on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.
No, not as a contestant; that never works. Just force your way onto the set and exclaim “where are you, soulmate???” into the nearest camera.
Call up Yente, the matchmaker from Fiddler on the Roof.
She’ll make you a match, find you a find, catch you a catch.
Wish upon a star.
I suggest Nora Roberts, Nicholas Sparks, or either of the two Lindsay Lohans in Parent Trap but any star should do.
Check with Dory.
She found Nemo.
Search Etsy.
It’s how my aunt and uncle found each other! She’s a human woman; he’s a custom-designed rose quartz massage wand.
Look behind you.
Ha, made you look!
Hire Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Gnomes, Alex Mack, or the Scooby Doo gang to track them down.
Do not hire Dexter. Won’t end well.
Wait till Passover and look for them alongside the Afikoman.
This has been a Jewish Joke ™.
Ask a Hufflepuff.
They’re particularly good finders.
Look on Craigslist.
Either under “missed connections,” “volunteers,” “security,” or “boat parts.”
Sign up for a dating site or app.
My favorite is PayPal. Feel free to send me gifts through there.
Post a satirical article about soulmates on a worldwide private online publishing platform, hoping that your soulmate will discover it and simultaneously see through your bullshit biting humor and be charmed by your delightful personality, leading them to leave a flirtatious private note on said article.
