ESP
《A veces me pregunto ¿qué hace la gente cuando se siente tristes? ¿Por qué se sienten tristes? ¿Se sienten mal con ellos? Tras tanto pensar y pensar caí en a conclusión de qué... mentira, no caí en ninguna conclusión, pero me pregunto ¿Por qué la gente miente sobre amar? ¿Acaso ellos de verdad creen que aman, pero en realidad no aman? Y si es así ¿Cómo puedo llegar a saber si yo no estoy haciendo lo mismo? Capaz considero que amo a alguien, pero en realidad solamente es una excusa que mi cerebro usa para dañarles ¿Les daño? ¿Por qué lo haría? ¿Debe existir un motivo razonable para dañar a alguien? ¿Lo hago por gusto?
Esa es mi cabeza, todos los días, desde que descubrí que las personas que decían quererme eran incapaces de hacerlo, capaz si no intentara entender la cabeza de todas las personas que me rodean nunca me hubiera preguntado si ellos lo sienten real y de esa manera no dudaría de mis sentimientos hacia mis seres queridos... o bueno, los que digo querer.
Descubrí hace poco que soy manipuladora, digo, sabía de antes que lo era, pero modo creí que lo podía controlar, al final, manipular es una habilidad que toda persona necesita... pero cuando no la sabes controlar es... deprimente, y eso fue lo que me pasó. Desde entonces evito contar mis sentimientos porque también dudo de mis intenciones capaz solo busco que me den atención y solamente estoy haciendo drama, pero, lo triste es que tampoco soy capaz de diferenciar que es drama y que es lo que realmente siento, ¿Cómo sé que mi cerebro no lo hace pasar como por algo importante cuando solo es drama?
La vida es confusa, en realidad no puedes saber con certeza nada, pero no me importa no saber que pasa por la cabeza de los demás, aun si eso me intrigue, no me afecta saberlo o no, en cambio, es distinto cuando no puedes reconocer ni tus propios sentimientos, ni tus propias preocupaciones, ni siquiera puedes reconocer tus propios problemas, cuando eso pasa, sientes que constantemente haces algo mal, que eres mala en todo y que siempre les haces daño a todos, y sentirte así nunca es bonito.
Creo que lo más frustrante de todo es que nadie leerá esto y me dirá como solucionarlo, pero tampoco quiero mostrárselo a nadie, porque parecerá que busco atención y ¡Hey! Es cierto, la busco, pero no quiero pedirla de este modo. Es curioso sobre todo porque cuando la gente revisa mis cosas encuentran todo, menos mis sentimientos, es triste, saber que viviré sin saber sentir ni reconocer lo que siento.》
Me senté en el piso con la carta en mis manos y bastante triste y confundida ¿como era posible que nunca me hubiera dado cuenta de eso? Mi hija se veía tan feliz siempre, tan llena de vida, ¿que debo hacer?. Decidí levantarme y buscar a mi hija en su cuarto, no quería decirle nada sobre la carta ya que capaz se sentía incómoda e invadida, solamente la abracé y hablamos durante largas horas sobre cosas tristes, felices, absurdas, decidí que lo mejor era intentar acompañarla en todo lo que ella necesitara y con el tiempo me diría lo que sucede o el como arreglarlo... espero.
ENG
《Sometimes I wonder what do people do when they feel sad? why do they feel sad? do they feel bad about themselves? After so much thinking and thinking I came to the conclusion that... lie, I didn't come to any conclusion, but I wonder why people lie about loving? Do they really think they love, but in reality they don't love? And if so, how can I know if I am not doing the same? Maybe I think I love someone, but in reality it's just an excuse my brain uses to hurt them, hurt them? Why would I do that? Must there be a reasonable reason to hurt someone? Am I doing it for the fun of it?
That's my head, every day, ever since I discovered that the people who claimed to love me were incapable of doing so, maybe if I didn't try to understand the heads of all the people around me I would never have asked myself if they felt it was real and that way I wouldn't doubt my feelings towards my loved ones... or well, the ones I claim to love.
I discovered recently that I am manipulative, I mean, I knew before that I was, but I thought I could control it, in the end, manipulating is a skill that every person needs... but when you don't know how to control it is... depressing, and that's what happened to me. Since then I avoid telling my feelings because I also doubt my intentions, I am only looking for attention and I am only making drama, but, the sad thing is that I am not able to differentiate what is drama and what is what I really feel, how do I know that my brain does not pass it off as something important when it is only drama?
Life is confusing, you can't really know anything for sure, but I don't mind not knowing what's going on in other people's heads, even if that intrigues me, it doesn't affect me to know or not, instead, it's different when you can't recognize your own feelings, or your own worries, you can't even recognize your own problems, when that happens, you feel like you are constantly doing something wrong, that you are bad at everything and that you always hurt everyone, and feeling like that is never nice.
I think the most frustrating thing of all is that no one will read this and tell me how to fix it, but I don't want to show it to anyone either, because it will seem like I'm looking for attention and Hey! It's true, I am, but I don't want to ask for it this way. It's funny especially because when people go through my stuff they find everything but my feelings, it's sad, knowing that I will live without knowing how to feel or acknowledge what I feel.
I sat on the floor with the letter in my hands and quite sad and confused, how was it possible that I had never realized that? My daughter looked so happy always, so full of life, what should I do. I decided to get up and look for my daughter in her room, I didn't want to tell her anything about the letter since she might feel uncomfortable and invaded, I just hugged her and we talked for long hours about sad, happy, absurd things, I decided that the best thing to do was to try to accompany her in everything she needed and with time she would tell me what happens or how to fix it... I hope.
Sometimes I wonder what people do when they feel sad, why do they feel sad, do they feel bad about them? After so much thinking and thinking I came to the conclusion that... lie, I didn't come to any conclusion, but I wonder why do people lie about loving? Do they really think they love, but they don't really love? And if so, how can I know if I am not doing the same? Maybe I think I love someone, but in reality it's just an excuse my brain uses to hurt them, hurt them? Why would I do that? Must there be a reasonable reason to hurt someone? Am I doing it for the fun of it?
That's my head, every day, ever since I discovered that the people who claimed to love me were incapable of doing so, maybe if I didn't try to understand the heads of all the people around me I would never have asked myself if they felt it was real and that way I wouldn't doubt my feelings towards my loved ones... or well, the ones I claim to love.
I discovered recently that I am manipulative, I mean, I knew before that I was, but I thought I could control it, in the end, manipulating is a skill that every person needs... but when you don't know how to control it is... depressing, and that's what happened to me. Since then I avoid telling my feelings because I also doubt my intentions, I am only looking for attention and I am only making drama, but, the sad thing is that I am not able to differentiate what is drama and what is what I really feel, how do I know that my brain is not passing it off as something important when it is only drama?》
Life is confusing, you can't really know anything for sure, but I don't mind not knowing what's going on in other people's heads, even if it intrigues me, it doesn't affect me whether I know it or not, but it's different when you can't recognize your own feelings, your own worries, you can't even recognize your own problems.