From the time I was a young child, I have always felt like I was different from other people. I felt like I thought differently, and saw the world in a different way. Although I did not know it at the time, I was incredibly empathetic to other people’s emotions and very sensitive to everything that happened to me. Because of this, I had a hard time communicating with people around me, which was very frustrating.
Because I was unaware of these qualities of myself, I faced a great deal of suffering in my early years. I did not know that being more sensitive and emotional were traits that could be celebrated, and I saw myself as a burden to people around me. I found it hard to fit in, and did not have many friends. Although I am introverted and sensitive, I really longed for a group of friends that I could be close with, and share secrets with, which is what I saw many other people having. Not having this made me very lonely.
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I was very awkward, weird, and confused, and unhappy for my younger years. Since I did not fit in with most people, I found it very difficult to truly embrace myself. I thought that there was something wrong with me, and I so badly craved interaction with people that I sacrificed my self-respect to feel close to people. I also went through traumatic experiences with my family and peers that I ended up having to spend several years processing and working through. I spend my younger years conforming to society’s standards about what I thought I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to act. Since I was a hard worker, I became pretty good at this.
However, these habits did not last me forever. I could not hide from myself, I was getting depressed and unhappy because I knew I was putting on a façade to other people so I would not have to face deeper issues. Eventually, I began to look inward, facing my inner demons, insecurities, and flaws. I eventually found peace and happiness within myself, which I am very thankful for.
Since then, I have allowed myself to develop freely into myself, rather than what other people want me to be. I have become a very deep and introspective person. I like to engage in thoughtful and deep discussions rather than talk just for the sake of talking. I love beauty and wisdom, and sometimes spend hours reading about different perspectives and experiences of other people. Through this, I have realized that although there are so many conflicts and misunderstandings in this world, and an appalling amount of suffering, there is also so much beauty and potential that exists.
I am extremely appreciative and grateful on how my life has turned out, but know that people like me are very rare, and I have to admit that it can get lonely knowing that I am the only person who thinks the way I do. By saying this, I do not mean that I am better than everyone else, but it kind of saddens me to have almost no one around me to have deep and thoughtful talks with, to read personal development books with, or to admire the world together.
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To me, the people around me often seem shallow or superficial. For example, although I know that it is completely natural to judge and gossip about others who are different than us, I really cannot stand it when people do this, especially when I feel like they are not considering the perspective of the other person. I also feel like a lot of people are destructively dogmatic. They are so engrossed in their life and paradigm of thought that they cannot seem to think outside of their mindset. They have nothing better to do than to entertain their deluded and unproductive thoughts for temporary satisfaction, and their lives would be so much better if they didn’t.
Although I don’t like to admit it, I wish that my intellect and wisdom gave me more recognition and attention, which I secretly enjoy. I have to be okay with the fact that people like me are not as appreciated as we would like to be. I’ve accepted this, and move on.
However, through this all, I have myself and that is okay. I am secure, grounded, and satisfied with my life at the moment. Although it would be nice if more people appreciated me, I can still find beauty and joy in the world, and that is enough for me.