impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments or talents and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".(Thanks, Wiki.)
Sometimes, I literally wake up and cry because this reality is essentially an illusion. It's fake and it bums me out. Which makes me feel like I'm not so "awakened," which makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing writing about spirituality. This happens on occasion, but is especially bothering me since I committed myself to writing for this blog.
While I have a whole ass, lengthy article on what awakening is, I don't TRULY know everything. No one TRULY knows anything.
To be painfully honest, I'm doing this blind. I'm mostly walking through life in complete darkness with intuition as eyes and my emotions as my guide. Even the word 'psychic' has me rethinking the entirety of my existence because am I?? Am I really psychic? Or do I just have a ridiculously vivid imagination??
Big. Yikes.
Some Things Come with Experience- Others, with Time.
I woke up to the illusion less than 3 years ago and I'm 24 now. Many of the spiritualists that I have learned from are much older than this. Eckhart Tolle had his sudden "inner transformation" one night at the age of 29. Paul Coelho, the author of The Alchemist, was 41 years old when his book became a best-seller. Deepak Chopra was 43 when he published his first book on quantum healing and the mind/body connection. And those are just a few leaders in the spiritual community!
There is knowledge and wisdom that come with the experience of life, but we must not forget the particular and unforgiving nature of divine timing: the immutable law that events do not happen until they are meant to.
While I may not feel (or look... or SOUND) like an ascended Master, my spiritual abilities grow stronger everyday I am guided. When I feel lost, direction finds me. Discomfort is my teacher, and I am the forever student. It isn't always smooth-sailing and I don't always appreciate the miracle and warmth of the Sun's light every morning as I should, but that's okay. I am learning that this is okay. I am learning to breathe, and I am learning to accept that where I am is where I am supposed to be.
You cannot rush growth. You cannot rush divine timing.
I may feel like an imposter sometimes, so it's important to reassess my values & priorities when I'm feeling ~ fake ~. Why do I feel like an imposter? Because I have FEELINGS? Like a normal human being? What did I expect from myself-- to be perfectly aligned, confident, and POSITIVE VIBES at every moment of my existence? Uhhhh. No one. Can do that.
It is enough that I know in my heart, that I am on my highest path. Nothing will keep me from writing about spirituality.
I write to be honest about my spiritual journey.
I write for the one or two souls that might just run into this post and receive the clarity they need to keep pushing forward.
You are not alone.
And you are not an imposter.
We can't see the road ahead, but we can stand firm in what we believe. We can be patient and loving towards ourselves and trust in the journey. We can remind ourselves of our purpose- to experience Life in all its ugliness and beauty, in all the sadness and the joy.
Yeah, I cried this morning because I woke up and this reality is a fake. But that's okay, because my sadness is fake too. The only real thing is that I'm alive and I exist. For that, I love it here.
Love and light,
Elizabeth T.
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