After a big journey to discover who I truly am, I resorted to doing Iboga with that intent in mind. At first, it was with dmt, than it was lsd, than it was Ayahuasca and San Pedro, but I always remained in that state of not knowing who I was and wanting to find out. After doing Ayahuasca, it was as if I had this big mission coming on earth, and I had forgotten this mission somehow. Little did I know, this, among with a lot other things, was all purely delusions of my own mind…
Preparation for the first ceremony
I arrived at the place in Vancouver, big villa close to the ocean. The providers there showed me around, I had this huge bedroom, personal bathroom, everything was great. I read pretty much everywhere that Iboga could answer any questions, and that it was good to have a small list of questions. So I prepared that, and had a huge list of 44 questions I wanted to ask. First one being “Who am I in essence”. So, the first 2 days, I just focused on sharpening my intent with that, forging my resolve to take the plunge. Had great discussions with the provider, he really knows how to ask questions, and helped me with my intent. Everything was fine. I spoke a lot with the other guy who was going to take the Iboga with me, and it was good. Then came the first ceremony, aka the most difficult and terrifying night in my whole life…
First ceremony
“The delusions”
So the provider handed me the medicine. It was pure root bark in a powdered form. Took a whole spoonful, and we were told to let it sit on the palace for a while, and chew it if we were capable to. The taste was really bitter. And it had that taste of what you’d expect a root to taste like.. Not really good, let’s just say that! About 2 minutes after, we were still holding it, and the providers told us we could swallow with some water. Finally. We were all in a circle with a candle in the middle and an electric fireplace by the side. Than, we just started having a discussion basically. Kind of a Q&A type of thing. To figure out what was the source of the issues we had. And following the questions, it turned out “The way you think” was the issue. So gotta work on that he said. This is when he started the music, a recording of Bwiti songs he took when he was in Africa. We hear this fast paced African songs traditional of the Bwiti and their initiations, which includes taking Iboga.
Then we took the TA in a pill form, total alkaloid, an extraction of the bark that keeps all the alkaloids intact, so it’s not “just” the ibogaine. Discussion continued, I wasn’t feeling any different about an hour later, and I asked for some more. I was told it would come, just wait some more. The other guy was starting to feel it, and so I just waited more and at some point I started to get a bit dizzy. Moving the head was difficult in a way, it would make me dizzy. When that started, this is when the 2nd TA pill came in, and so I ingested that too. Discussion continued, and it got a bit hard to focus. I was losing bits of it.
Then I witnessed something forming on the wall of the room. It was a banner, with African symbols. The music was really intense, it was incredible. This banner was moving from left to right in a continuous manner, doing kind of a loop. It was always the same symbols ending at one end and starting at the other. Also, there was this definite sense of circle. There was a small green light spinning around the room at high speed. Always in the same way. Spinning, spinning, spinning. I was really dizzy at this point. Then providers said it was time to lay down on the mattresses, so I helped them put everything in place with all I could, and when it was done I just crashed on the mattress and started looking at the ceiling. The banner formed on the ceiling too, and I was just there, hypnotized by it.
Then, I don’t know how much longer after started the terror. Time stopped, and it was as if I was feeling a déjà vù. This scene, I had seen it in the past. And it did not end well for me. It was a warning. I looked on my side, and one of the provider was walking towards me with a blindfold in his hands. He was saying: “Don’t worry, we’ll treat you well. Dooon’t worry. Everything will be all good. We’ll take good care of you. We’ll just put that blindfold on, and…” I panicked. In complete terror, I stood up in a sitting position. My heart was racing. As soon as he would put that blindfold on, he’d sting me and inject me with some shit in order to kill me or to steal my organs or something. This was it. I was in that horror movie where people get drugged and experienced on. And to add to that the provider was looking exactly like Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lamb. This was it for me.
My mind was working at light speed. I thought of every step I took to come here. Who influenced me, who had a role in it. I was suspicious of everything. All that beautiful talk to coax me into taking that here. Everything was a lie. And I was paying for it. Fuck, I should have seen it! Big house, rented furthermore. The amount of money it costs, him needing a helper. Every clue was there, I was just blinded by the potential results of Iboga. Finally figuring out my destiny! But it trapped me, and now I was doomed for it.
So he came and just kneeled in front of me with the blindfold, and I was keeping distances. He looked at me saying like “What’s happening?” And I told him “I’m having a lot of trust issues right now.” I thought he needed to take blood pressure to “assure we were safe” and that’s when he would strike. He told me he would just read me my question with the blindfold on so I could see the answer on it. For a second, I was relieved, and laid down again. Then he said “ So, I’ll just put on the blindfold..” Soon as he approached to do it, I denied him again. Trust issues came back tenfold. I was scared for my life. Pure terror. He understood and said he’d do that later in the ceremony.
After that I just started looking back at every single details that lead me into this hell. The way they spoke to me. The recovering heroin addict upstairs, taking some rest the past 2 days. Was she even real? Everything was possible. Were those 2 aliens that tricked me into coming here because I have something they want? Who knows. So these delusions just went on and on and on for the rest of the night. It was pure terror for me. All the time I thought my life was gonna end at the slightest mistake on my side. I thought of escaping, I thought of locking myself in my room. But they had the key probably… I thought… and thought..
At some point the nausea I was feeling was so intense I had to purge. Walking was really difficult, but I managed to get to the bathroom by myself after finding balance. Once I got there first things I realized was how my pupils were quite dilated. Then I drank some water to make myself purge and that’s basically what happened next… Got back to the ceremony and just continued worrying about literally everything...
When the sun started to rise the provider cut the music, and started walking me upstairs. The ceremony itself was over, now it was time to integrate. The Iboga makes you not sleep for 24-36 hours, so I was going to spend the rest of the day awake, thinking about what had happened. While we were walking upstairs, the provider told me having these kind f trust issues were pretty grave. It meant I had some kind of a separation between my mind and my soul. He told me to use that time I had with the medicine to go and search for my soul. He was pretty serious at that point, but still I didn’t trust him. I disregarded everything he said and put it back in the bucket of “lies to coax me”. Cause maybe he realized I wouldn’t let myself be blindfolded now, but in the next ceremony I would if he was able to gain my trust again, right? Maybe the way these aliens work is that you have to trust them for their trick to work. And I’m not gonna let them, right?
I kept thinking and thinking about it, and gradually realized how it was pretty much all delusions. They were taking such good care of me. It was amazing. At some point in the afternoon, without anything really triggering it, I started thinking about my father, about how much I loved him with all my heart. And I started crying. I loved him so much, and yet he wasn’t happy. Crying. Why does he worry so much about everything all the time? Because he doesn’t love himself. I love him so much, but he doesn’t love himself. He doesn’t trust himself. And he’s unhappy because of it. I’m crying and crying, and crying at this point. The tears are flowing on my face like an ocean. Why does it have to be like that. I love him oh so much…
While crying I remembered that thing the provider said about finding my soul. Is it my soul crying right now? When did that start? Suddenly I had a flash. My parents, the separation. I was told we’d always be a happy family. Together, forever. Unlike all other families, we’d stay together through everything. And yet this one day on a sunny afternoon, my parents got me on the couch, and announced me they would not be with each other anymore. What? Why is that? Little me didn’t understand a thing. And he cried, and cried, and cried on that day. At some point little me stopped crying physically, but part of him ran in a corner, kneeled down and cried, and cried, and… Never stopped. He didn’t trust his parents anymore. Didn’t trust himself, didn’t trust anyone. So he did all kind of things to prove himself he was worth it. Studied real hard, wanted to please his parents, they liked good grades. So he gave them that, A+ in everything, that’s the way, right? But this part of him never stopped crying. And on that day, with the Iboga, I found him in that corner, the little me who was crying for all that time. I found him, and I told him it would be OK. There’s no need to hide anything anymore. Just come back to me, and we’ll do this together.
I cried for hours that day. Everything I did, every fears I had, why I didn’t have much friends at school, why I preferred loneliness, why I never really had a girlfriend, everything went back to that small but big event. And after that, a couple of things happened to me to reduce even more this faith in myself, but in comparison it was really small. At the end of the day, I finally stopped crying, and was able to get some sleep at PM, after being awake for nearly 40 hours. And I thought to myself, what an incredible ceremony that was!
2nd ceremony
“Heaven”
The day after the ceremony was a day of rest, and we went at this huge park to have a walk near the ocean, be in nature, relax, etc. It was really great. I felt so light when walking, as if a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders. It felt amazing being in nature like that. The next day was the day of the second ceremony, and in the afternoon we had a little Bwiti “spiritual shower” in which we wash ourselves with a mix made of a bunch of African herbs traditional of the Bwiti people. It’s a way to cleanse both the body and the spirit, and leave all the negative energy behind to start anew. That was also amazing, felt really nice. I was quite tired coming into the ceremony, but after that shower I was feeling great, not tired anymore. I was ready to attack those 44 questions I had head font, my intent being focused on the first one : “Who am I”
The providers kept reminding me that no 2 ceremonies are the same, so the fear and worry I had during the first one would not come back. I was ready for it, and I trusted my providers now. So I took the root bark again, and despite the bitter taste I chew it like I’d chew my favorite meal. Embrace the medicine. Love it, show appreciation for it. Make room for it in your body. Focus on your intent. Today, I’m definitely finding out who I truly am, and I’m definitely finding out what my forgotten mission is. Just like in the first one, we kept discussing, this helper there was narrating his story that I had heard before about all the answers he got with the Iboga boiled down to “Just be” and “Do it or fuck it”. It was interesting, but I had much more to learn than just that. Cause I’m special, I have this big ultimate mission waiting for me to uncover its secret, right? And I was gonna get all that knowledge about how the pyramids were built, how the universe was created, where is this hellish realm I kept visiting under Ayahuasca, who was that girl I saw dying under Ayahuasca. What was the truth in me wanting to do that 10 day dry fast no water on food followed with a drink of pure Ayahuasca. Finally I’d learn the truth.
Everybody was feeling the medicine quite heavily, but I was still pretty normal, I could walk fine and I wasn’t really dizzy. I let the providers know when they ask me. They’d come back with more medicine, I just had to wait. Time to lay down again. I’m feeling really well, really optimistic that finally I’ll get all those answers. No need to wait and procrastinate anymore. No point in thinking I’ll just wait until I go to Africa to experience Iboga in its natural way, in a traditional Bwiti ritual. The time was now, and I could have everything I wanted with the right intent. Focus. I wanna know who I am, truly. Go to the essence. Second TA comes in. Small prayer to the spirit of Iboga and in the pill goes. Focus on the intent. Close my eyes. It’s not hitting me as hard as last time. That’s fine. Still, I say it to the provider. “Less is sometimes more you know. Lets you focus more.” Alright, I’ll stick to that then.
Eyes closed, and while focusing on my intent, I start seeing a picture. It’s a human sitting in a lotus position, praying. And I see all those chakra circles in the middle of his body, aligned in a vertical line. His hands are together in the middle, forming a prayer. Maybe that’s what I need to do in order to find out who I truly am? I start moving, it’s quite difficult. It hit me harder than I thought. Sit up straight, put my legs in lotus position. Feels really nice to stretch like that, and it’s much easier than normal, where sitting that way would hurt a lot. I put my hands together, and focus some more on my intent. Finding out who I am. I know the provider will be here soon to do the journeying with the blindfold on and go through my questions. Focus.
Maybe 10 minutes later, he does come with the blindfold. and he has also this red stuff the Bwiti use to open up the mind’s eye. Another blend of African spices. While I’m laying down blindfolded, he puts some on my forehead. I feel it, and it’s a nice feeling. Then he asks me to close my eyes and focus on what he says. Then we start the journey. He asks me to picture my home. Check. He asks me to fly over there. Check. “Now, try to find Alek (that’s me). Where is Alek? I start looking. Alek is in his room, wasting his time on the computer, playing video games. He turns around, he’s got that blank expression. This numbness in the eyes. Haggard gaze. I tell that to the provider. He asks me to ask him why he’s wasting his time on video games. “Because I don’t have anything else to do. And I realize that’s not true, there’s a whole world out there. I’m just running away and hiding myself, my true self. Provider says “Okay, so now that you found that out, ask him who is he” I ask him : “ I’m just me!” That’s it. Nothing more nothing less. “Now ask him, do you have a forgotten mission?” Instant answer: “No, that’s just another delusion of the mind.” Then we continue with the journey, he makes me fly up in the sky, higher and higher and higher, I look back at the earth. Beautiful looking earth. He makes me go on the moon, call my grandma. I ask her some questions about my Ayahuasca experience. Did I go in Atlantis and do I have the key to it in me? Nope, yet another delusion.
All my life I’ve identified myself with only my mind, but I’m not my mind. I’m my soul, and my mind is a tool, just like my body. All 3 gotta work together in order to… what exactly? And I found out. In order to just be. It all boils down to that. Just be. That’s it. No need to over-complexify all of it. Just be and everything will be all right, you’ll find your way. Of course there are some things that facilitate that, such as being healthy. That’s a big one. Healthy mind, healthy body, healthy spirit.
This is it, this is who I truly am. A combination of Mind, Body and Spirit. So far I’ve been sharpening my mind and my mind only. Now it’s time for me to work on the body and the spirit. And to do that it starts by loving oneself. Cause when you love something, you take care of that something. And so I started looking at all the reasons why I love myself. And oh boy was I in pure bliss at this point. I was just laughing, crying tears of happiness, laughing some more. All these little jokes I tell myself sometimes, they just make me feel so great! My way of just turning everything into a potential joke, love it! I was feeling so amazing, words can’t describe how much happiness I felt for the rest of the ceremony. And I saw all those awesome things my soul could do for me. I saw the law of attraction in action, in the way that your soul loves you so much it will do anything you tell it. Feed it with negative thoughts and energy, it’ll bring you down, feed it positive and it’ll do everything in it’s power to get it to you. Keep an eye for coincidences, they’re the Universe’s way of saying hi! Life can be one epic, magical journey if you just let it happen, go with the flow! Be a leaf dancing in the wind.
I was just in awe for life, how everything is so amazingly complex and yet so simple. I just stood there laughing and smiling for hours, remembering all the wonders of life and how truly magical it can be. And that day went on with me just being super, super happy and positive about everything. I thought about a lot of things I will implement in my life as soon as I get back home. Healthy habits, projects, etc. Learn to tame the mind so it doesn’t go into delusions anymore. It won’t be easy; this is not unicorn world. But I’ll keep my head up and move forward. An old friend of mine used to say “A true warrior of the Spirit knows what he wants, and he is patient about it” Now I know what I want, I want to share this medicine with the people and provide them with the healing they need. I want to become an Iboga provider myself. I’ll go to Africa next, and get initiated to the Bwiti and train to become a provider. That way I can show the world how amazing the world can be. Epic journey ahead, and it starts now!
TL;DR Came into the experience wanting to find out who I truly am, and had all sorts of questions about the world. First ceremony turned out to be complete hell where I thought for sure I was being abducted and getting killed, then found out the root cause of these trust issues I had were at my parent's separation, where a part of me just ran into a corner and started crying and crying and never stopped. So I cried and cried that day, until it was finally healed. Next ceremony I was ready to find out who I am, and the answer I got was “just me”, a combination of mind, body and spirit that forms me. And realizing that pushed me into this pure bliss where I realized how much I love myself and how much I love life in general. I was crying tears of joy that day, literally the happiest day in my life! I’m truly grateful for Iboga and now I want to become a provider myself to help people reconnect with themselves and be truly, genuinely happy.
“Imagine you take place in a cannon that shoots you in the most blissful, incredible, magical place there is on earth. That place is called your soul, and Iboga will get you right there!“
Thank you for reading my story everyone. Thank you Iboga for helping me reconnect with my soul. Thank you Creator for my life.