My teenage years were overrun with an array of precognitive dreams (Precognitive dreams are dreams that appear to predict the future through a sixth sense). Those years were certainly the peak times, I still have them occasionally, but I largely turned away from that side of my self for most of my twenties & I hope as I keep working on myself they will return to be as frequent as they were.
But as 'cool' as some people think this may be, there have been some which were very difficult to deal with.
When I was 18, my cousin who when I was younger I adored as an older brother, I just loved him so dearly, was killed in a car accident. He was 4 years older than me, and although we had not been as close as we had been in our childhoods, he was the same as me, we just thought about things the same way, were interested in the same things, and although we did not discuss mind bending topics an awful lot, there was always this sense of understanding between us that we were so similar. Our baby photos could have also passed for twins, we looked identical as 1 year old's minus the difference in hair colour and style. I will call him Dean for this blog.
When I have dreams that are more than just a regular dream where the brain is sorting through crap, it is obvious. Something about them is inherently different. I can't really put it into words, some kind of feeling comes with them, and the dream itself is much more vivid and sometimes more cryptic than the regular ones. None of my precog dreams have been laid out as a snap shot of exactly how an event transpires, they are always a bit cryptic, or not showing the full picture if that makes sense. I got much better over time at interpreting/deciphering them.
I will describe the dream, it may seem a bit confusing but I will write it exactly as I remember it.
I have this dream, which I did recognise as 'different' when I woke up, and it did confuse me, but I just brushed it aside because it just made no sense to me whatsoever. In this dream I am attending a funeral service, but I am not really sure who's funeral I am at. Deans mother, sister and father are greeting people as they arrive and they are very emotional, Dean was not with them. There are people there who I do not know but there is a large amount of that side of the family present, minus two aunts.
I take a seat, there are lots of people around, and in the far right corner of the room there is a coffin, and 4 men standing around the coffin, Dean being one of them. But something was weird, that corner section of the room and the 4 men standing there were black and white, everything else around me was normal and in colour, but the men and the corner area was black and white. This puzzled me, and I didn't understand why he was over there not talking to anyone, so I walked over to Dean to ask him what he was doing over there, he said 'Oh, you can actually see me?' I said 'Of course I can what the hell do you mean?' He didn't directly answer, he looked at the others and said these are your ancestors take a look at their faces. I did so puzzled, and then I woke up. Well I may not have awoken at that point, but when I did wake up that is everything I recalled from the dream.
I recognise the feeling, and reflect on how vivid and odd the dream was, I pondered it a little bit, perhaps my subconscious had come to the realisation of what it possibly could have meant, and prevented my conscious self from acknowledging it, I simply filed it away as odd, the thought that Dean was going to die soon did not even enter my mind.
Fast forward two weeks. It's the day before my brothers birthday. I am helping my mother make some party food for his birthday party the next day, but I am so wired, I am so on edge, I am so nervous, I am snappy, and I don't know why. Eventually I just apologised and went home to my dad's thinking I was just tired or something.
That night I was tossing and turning I just could not get to sleep, I was just so agitated. Eventually I did. I got woken up by a thunderous noise outside and what sounded like a car crash, the loud skid followed by the loud crash. I ran to my bedroom window to look up and down the road it was so loud it must have been right outside the house! But there was nothing to see, I was certain the noise woke me up and certain a car had crashed somewhere on our street. But I just saw a cat cleaning itself on the pavement, and everything else was calm. It was just a dream I figured, but it startled me so much adrenaline was pumping through my body, I was wide awake. So I went downstairs to make my self some tea, I thought I would just read until I went back to sleep.
It was just after 1am at this point. As I was making tea a sharp pain came across my forehead, I jolted virtually to my knees, it did not last long, after about 5 seconds it was gone, and I just wondered what the hell was that. I jump back into bed with my tea and my book, and nodded off at some point.
I awoke again from being frightened half to death, someone was trying to pound down the front door. I can hear my dad rumbling around in his room, it's 3.30am, I get up too. He opens the door, my mother barges in (they aren't friends) with my siblings, tears rolling down her face, and said 'I've got to go, Dean has been killed in a car accident I am going up to my sisters now'.
My heart fell through the floor and into a bottomless pit in the earth below somewhere.In that instant I knew exactly what that dream was 2 weeks ago, I knew why I had been on edge all day. I should have told someone, I knew that dream meant something, I should have figured it out, I should have warned him, this is my fault, it's my brothers birthday today too, what a nightmare. (This still brings me to tears even now just writing it).
I retreated to my bedroom and wept for the rest of the day. I was literally doubled over in pain, the most intense emotional pain I think I have ever felt. We got some more details later in the day. He was a passenger, his friend who was driving went straight off the road and hit a tree, he survived, my cousin did not. The accident happened around 1am, I can't remember the exact time, but it was in line with when I woke up, he had a significant injury on his head too.
The two aunts absent in my dream were also absent at the funeral.
I kept this to my self for years, it tortured me. I felt intense guilt every time I visited his grave. I had been for two psychic readings which were worth my money in those years and he showed up on both of those occasions giving me plenty of evidence that he was around and was responsible for some strange happenings going on around me. I wondered if he knew about my dream, but I was too afraid to ask, I wanted to apologise, but it never came up.
About 7 years after he passed, I told his sister. His mother and sister both experience strange things too and I was open with them about some things, but they are a bit more airy fairy than me. I don't know why I told her, it just came out. I cried my eyes out and told her how sorry I was, that I didn't figure out the dream, I think I was meant to and maybe I was meant to save his life. I wanted her to be angry with me, I spent so long conjuring this picture in my head of that happening, I had seen them endure such pain at his loss, I wanted them to punish me.
When she flung her arms around me and said 'You're such a fucking idiot', I am not sure what happened, I am totally blank actually. She reacted totally opposite to how I had imagined all this time, and I literally have no idea what happened the 5 minutes or so after I told her.
My memory kicks back in with her saying 'I am not having this, and Dean would not have it either, we're going for a reading, to clear this up'.
There are a lot of bullshit readers out there, I have seen plenty in my quest for understanding. There are fraudsters in every single trade on the planet, insurance, car sales, builders etc, and they exist in the realm of mediums too. So she spent some time really looking for a good one, and we went, together. We did not inform the lady of anything or ask any questions, she immediately started describing Dean and said there is something he desperately needs to discuss with you. He said that I had to have told someone first before he would bring it up with me via any kind of medium, that he could see that I was not ready to open that door or think about it, but now I had told his sister about it that we could clear the air.
He said it was not my duty to do anything, to decipher the dream, to tell anyone, or to save his life. That what had happened is that I simply accidentally tuned into his timeline due to our connection and my 'openness'. There was nothing for me to do and I absolutely must let that go. It was his time to go, as hard as that is to wrap my head around as he was so young, and that I was actually utterly ridiculous for even thinking that way.
That gave me peace, although I got teary even writing this blog, there is still an element of guilt there, but at the same time I know I was naive to think I could interfere with cosmic timelines and 'fate', and that really I would not have been able to stop it. I am not even really sure how I feel about fate even, my heads all a bit weird now after pondering this again.
I just wanted to express that it's not all Love & Light being an 'Indigo' or 'Different' or 'Open', whatever you want to call it. It's over glorified. It's fucking hard sometimes.
(I understand I am doing the Image & Link's thing all wrong and I have had some tips, but this blog has taken it out of me and so I am not going to fart around with that now, I will try and get the hang of it for my next blog. I wanted to still put some links in as they are not my images.)