Hello world. The following is from 2016. In it I share the understandings given me of abuse and that which I had experienced and was taught to accept as a child growing up. That there is no difference between a man or a woman when it comes to abuse. They are both equally capable of meting out the same style and types of abuse. That in every situation we are the one who is choosing to accept it and allow it to continue happening for us.
Have you ever considered that there are NO victims in this world? In every instant we are given a choice in how we will experience any given situation. That everything we experience is for our benefit. Each experience has a lesson within it that is sitting there waiting to teach us about ourselves and who we truly are within. Have you ever considered any of that? Accept and allow that what you experience may be different from what another experiences and that every situation is perfect for you.
I spent 6 1/2 years with my Son's father. After my son was born shit hit the fan fast. I stand 5' tall even. My Ex was 6' 6" x 6' 6"...meaning he weighed in at around 450 lbs to my 165 lbs. After my son was born my ex began throwing things at me and shoving me around. Then he started picking me up by my arms and shaking me like a rag doll. The day I left him he had picked me up and began shaking me and slamming me up against a wall. Our son was in my arms. He was almost two at the time. In that moment I knew I needed to leave. I was not going to allow my child to watch his mother be beaten to death in front of him. That was 22 years ago and I must say my life has only improved since then.
FYI, at about three years into the relationship, my ex began to be mentally and emotionally abusive. Saying things like I was useless, no other man would want me, I was so loose he needed a 2x4 tied to his ass to keep from falling in. They were very mean and derogatory comments meant to wear me down and make me feel worthless and hopeless. Just after our son was born the physical abuses began.
Women are and can be just as abusive as men. Consider that aspect and you will see there is no difference betwixt them. They are equal in every way. What I am speaking of is a recognition that what is experienced in regards abuse whether given or received is not exclusive to men or women. It is equal to both. That women experience that same kind of reactive response to fear as men do is apparent in how our society is. When I said "consider" I was sharing an understanding that there is no separation between male and female for both genders are within us. Our responses are learned. They are taught to us. I am looking at the psychology at play behind the experiences we have and why we do what we do. It is the process my guide has me do at all times with everything that comes before me no matter how small or how large it may be.
What my guide has been teaching me is that nothing is to be kept private. When I am completely open, honest, and authentic with nothing being hidden I am free. Free to express myself without fear of being judged in any way. It is only when I am hiding something that fear rears it's ugly head. Because in those moments I have a secret that I am believing will hurt me. Growing up I was told many times that just because it happens does not mean it is to be talked about. Hiding the rapes, molestation's, beatings, mental and emotional abuses kept me in a mental cage that was being created by those around me.
A cage of control and manipulations all held within my mind and being used by my family to get me to conform to their dictates and will. I have had to look at and understand my own choices to believe what was being said and done to me before I could let them go and heal completely from them. As I have looked within at the things I was taught I have watched my body heal of diseases as I let go those things I was believing in. My Guides tells me, "Share your journey love, so that your brothers may heal too."
Something I have come to understand is that I was trained to accept abusive types of treatment from others from my early childhood. The way my family treated me and talked to me laid out the ground work for how others would treat me and talk to me. In many ways my Ex simply followed my families lead in how they treated me. He would watch them and mimic their treatment of me. Even to the physical aspects for he had watched my family throw things at me and call me names, hit me and even shake me.
I had to accept responsibility for my choices to accept their judgments of me and how they were treating me. I also had to accept that I was and had been judging everything I was experiencing and that is what was causing most of my internal pain, anguish, and suffering. My own choices to judge and accept judgments as defining me.
In studying A Course in Miracles I have come to understand that words are but symbols of symbols thrice removed (more like four or five times removed). They will have three separate understood meanings for each being. The first being what their family units have taught them the meaning shall be. The second will be what society has dictated the meaning shall be. The third would be our emotional attachments we have placed on that word to mean what we believe it to mean. Each of these are understood as being the "man made" meanings and beliefs. Yet, there is a fourth meaning which is as God or Source would have it mean.
I have found on my journey that much of what I have experienced I have either judged or accepted a judgment of it from someone else. My guide has had me looking within at all of these experiences and the judgments that have been draped in front of them as a veil to hide the Truth of what was actually there from all eyes. That in everything there is a psychology at play that has us being brainwashed from birth to repeat a dysfunctional pattern of judgments. All created to control and manipulate one into handing over their free will to another again and again without conscious thought as to what it is they do.
I have had many NDE's(Near Death Experience) in my lifetime. The first at around 9 months old when my grandmother kicked me across a room into a fireplace. The next at two then three and so forth. My last would have been my motorcycle accident in 2004 when I was thrown from my bike instead of being decapitated by a barbed wire fence. I knew I was not going to make it. Yet, I also knew I was not done here. In that moment I asked, what do I do? I was told to close my eyes and relax by a voice so deep, calm, and loving that I had no thought but to obey it. That moment was a catalyst for me to start my journey inward and back into my Father's loving arms.
That voice started me on a journey to healing and it all started within when I stopped and asked, what do I do? I wanted and needed to hear that voice again. As I laid in a bed unable to move recuperating from that accident I started talking to a God I hated and blamed for all I had experienced in my short life. I gave an ultimatum stating, Either He show me how to get out of the hell I was in without wading through a bunch of bullshit or I was done. I would be checking out via suicide and would be seeing Him face to face shortly. He told me to start paying attention to all I am taking within me. To start questioning what I take in whether it be food, medicine, words, music, ALL I take into me. That what I take in effects me on all levels. I stopped looking out there and started looking within my heart and mind to see what choices I was making to believe in the things I was then.
This has just been one aspect and portion of the journey that is my life. There are many other pieces that create the whole of which is the being I call Sabrina Reyenga is manifest from. Like a crystal holds many inclusions within it which create a fractured impression. The same can be said of me and the Spirit within me. Like the crystal I am filled with a multitude of levels of depths that are only slightly being touched upon at this moment. Yet there is so much more of me to learn. The deeper I go the more I learn, that I know even less than I thought I did...
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.