My bride turns 29 today. I managed to reach 27 years old last month. We are relatively young for the life situation we are straddling right now--five kids, four degrees between the two of us, three chickens, and one house. But we are starting to not feel so young. We have left the "mid-twenties" and are hurling towards the ambiguous forth decade. My wife, Vanessa, is a spectacular woman. She is one of the kindest, wisest, and friendliest people I have ever met. She has this way of drawing you in and making you feel safe. If you met her, you might find yourself telling her things that you've never vocalized before. She has a Masters of Social Work degree, with a focus on school social working, and watches our children like a superhero.
Why am I telling you this? This week Vanessa made a comment about "losing her youth" and made an unhappy, somewhat disgruntled kind of noise. That's when it really hit me that her and I have been conditioned to have different opinions about this period of aging. I get a little excited about each passing year--at least for now--because I often think that I am too inexperienced and even look too young. My wife on the other hand is not super excited about it. I think it is because she carries around this toxic message, somewhere deep down in the crevasses of her subconscious, that her best years are behind her.
Yes, my wife values the wisdom she has earned and the opportunity to pass that through to other women. But she'll occasionally draw negative attention to things like the precursor sign of wrinkles, or say things like "there goes my body." What I hear in her undertone is "there goes my worth." Despite her correct beliefs about the inherent and non-diminishing worth that we all possess, that truth doesn't always land in my wife's heart. Society, culture, family, friends, and regrettably me at times, have communicated to her with both explicit and veiled messages that, as a woman, her value and worth decrease over time.
It doesn't matter that she continues to grow in knowledge, kindness, empathy, wisdom, compassion, and endurance. It doesn't matter that she will sacrifice herself over and over for her five kids and countless other children as a school social worker. It doesn't matter that she finds her place in and solidifies her contribution to the ancient chain of feminine strength and mystery.
These things don't matter because she is told that her worth is rooted in her potential to be exploited as a sex object and that that fades with each passing year.
Not only is the lie "you are less sexually desirable," it goes one step further with "and that makes you less worthy. Less valuable." And I want to be really clear: both parts are lies.
That's not the message that I receive from society. I do experience many of the same aging effects as my wife. My slowed metabolism and sedentary life style remind me of that often. However, as a man, I am told that my value is derived from my potential for productivity. I am in stage of value-growth as I gain experience and reputation in the workforce. It's another objectifying lie. It is just a lie that dangles hope in front of me.
To my bride: this year, may you see the increasing brightness with which you shine. As you move through the lives of those around you, may you recognize the unique blessing that you are. When lies of shame come at you, or float up from inside you, may I be there to catch your gaze and hold your precious, life-giving body. I am filled with excitement to walk the next 29 years by your side as you continue to show me the beautiful world that your eyes capture.
Vanessa, you little Yo-yo master, we love you, and we need you.
Until next time, be blessed.
Sam
Adele. Play us out!
Image Source: Taken by me
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