I guess I thought it would be bigger, when a terrible thing happened. Houses ought to be caving in, and lightning and thunder, and people tearing their hair in the street. I never, ever thought it would be this small.
― Dan Chaon
Four year old Katie was lost―out in the autumn fields, the tangled woods or the fast-moving stream.
I have no children but the fear I felt was crippling, yet I had to move and quickly before dark, especially before the ghastly witching hour.
But if the girl were in the river, a ghostly apparition wouldn't matter―it would all be over.
I couldn't bear to think of that, so I just kept running, blindly and calling Katie's name, over and over.
I pictured Abe and the terror he must be feeling. His daughter lost and terribly frightened.
Mitzy must be beside herself with guilt, having to carry two-year old Ben while searching for her other child.
And then there was Cindy with all her strength and martial arts training―but it meant nothing if Katie had blundered into the water and been carried off by the fast-moving river.
There were sounds of distant sirens rising and falling down the side road coming closer―the provincial police with their canine rescue unit and search party.
Would they arrive in time? Would the dogs be able to track Katie's steps?
The more I thought about it, I felt sick―sick to my soul for Mitzi and Abe.
I went back to the house to meet the police but Mitzi had already come back and was retrieving a sweater that had Katie's scent.
And within minutes, the search team and tracker unit had dispersed and only Mitzi, Ben and I were left.
"Do you want me to watch Ben while you join Abe outside?"
"That would be such a help. Thank you, Laird."
Her eyes were filled with tears but she stopped and gave me a hug.
"Don't worry," I whispered, the OPP search unit is the best―they'll find her. And I'll update Abe with what's happening here―I have my cell."
There was the whirling sound of the OPP helicopter overhead and crackled commands and responses from the command post set up in the den.
"Go ahead, find Katie―I'll take good care of Ben."
I could see she was torn but her sense of a child lost took over and she was out the door.
I was left helpless, sitting on the floor with Ben while the team was doing a grid search of the fields outside and the OPP sergeant was trying to determine if they needed the aquatic unit.
I hated feeling powerless and unqualified and would rather be outside, but everyone out there had a skill and a duty and I'd just be in the way.
Ben began crying for mommy, so to distract him, I played a game with his stuffed animals and found out his favourite was bunny. So, I held him in my lap and told him bunny stories until he fell asleep.
Strange thing was, while he lay asleep in my arms, I began to know what Abe felt, caring for this little life.
It felt good sheltering and protecting him, rocking him, keeping him safe.
I had never once ever saw myself as a father, but holding Ben I had a sense of what that would mean. I wanted that for me and Cindy―I knew it would be something I could give.
But Abe was right―I was a nerd―not a hero, just a man, but if I had Cindy and a child, I'd be a dad like Abe and that would be more than enough.
Sure, I thought Abe was tough chasing bad guys, but what he was facing now took more bravery than detective work―and that would be the standard by which I'd measure myself going forward.
I only prayed Katie would be safe and Abe and Mitzy have their child back.