First of all, let me get this out of the way to avoid any confusion. I am definitely not a member of Spanky and Alfalfa's He-Man Woman-Haters Club. I enjoy hearing the sports opinions of a wide range of experts. Some of my favorite sports panelists include Mina Kimes, Sarah Spain, and Jackie MacMullan. The fact that I have an uncontrollable urge to roll my eyes every time I hear Doris Burke's voice has nothing to do her gender. It 100% has to do with the fact that she never answers a freaking question!
These two have something in common. Neither one of them likes to answer questions.
Burke seems like a nice person who has a deep knowledge of the game and is apparently well respected by her peers. After all, she is a "Hall of Famer". How do I know she is in the Basketball Hall of Fame? ESPN says it every freaking time they say her name!
Although she is about 1/1000th as annoying as Jeff Van Gundy, I can't punch my radio dial fast enough when she comes on. As soon as I hear "Hall of Famer Dorris Burke", I immediately know I am about to lose 7 to 10 minutes of my life and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I have literally never heard her actually answer a question.
Maybe Deckard can get her to answer a question. I would love to hear what Doris has to say about tortoises!
To be fair, it is hard for me to know if she has answered a question in the last year because I immediately turn the station the second I hear the words "Hall of Fam...". But I do know that in the 5 years before that, she did not answer a single one.
Yesterday, I decided that I had 7 to 10 minutes of my life I was willing to completely waste in the name of finding out if I was still right about Burke. When she joined the Golic and Wingo show, I made myself fight my Pavlovian reaction to punch the button when I heard the hosts welcome "Hall of Famer Doris Burke". I sat in my car and waited for the small talk to end. Then the host posed a question that went something like this, "With the Lakers' playoff hopes dwindling, should they shut down LeBron James for the rest of the season?"
Burke immediately started talking. She did a fine job of restating the question and then providing every reason why the question would be asked. Do you know what she did not provide? A freaking answer!!!!!
You want an answer? You’ll get nothing and like it!
Because I am a complete idiot who does not value his time, I decided to start counting the second the question ended. Fifty-seven seconds later, Burke finally dropped this nugget... she said, "I don't know".
Thanks! With analysis like that, it is easy to see why you are a true Hall of Famer!
Ok. Maybe that was an anomaly. Because there was still plenty of time in the segment, I was stuck by a train, and I am a true glutton for punishment, I kept listening.
The next question centered on Kyrie Irving and the Boston Celtics. The hosts asked Burke if she believed that the Boston Celtics could “turn it on” in the playoffs and make a run at the title. Again Burke masterfully outlined everything that would go into a person wondering if the Celtics could get back on track. She revisited Kyrie’s many odd comments and the lack of cohesion amongst the players. After over one minute of slowly talking in circles, she responded with, “we’ll see”.
“I don’t know” and “we’ll see”.
Wow!
Bravo!
What insight!
Click.
By the way, here is a word to the wise: I would suggest you avoid ever asking Doris Burke what time it is. If you do, she will pontificate on why the concept of time is important, recount the history of watches and then thoroughly explain how to build one. Meanwhile you will be 6 hours late for work.