‘You are a woman so it is best you get married young so you can have children at a decent age and raise them easily.’
‘You are a man and it is alright if you cannot cook because that’s what wives are for so when you marry, your wife can take care of the cooking and till then, you have your sister and mother doing that job for you.’
‘So what if you didn’t get a job, you are a woman and it is your husband’s job to pay for the household expenses only.’
‘It is stupid for you to share the household chores with your wife. You are a man, it is best you earn only.’
‘You should stay quiet in front of your father even when you are right. It is not right for a woman to speak in front of her elders especially men.’
‘You are a boy and boys don’t cry because they are brave.’
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I can go on and on about the many stereotypical and pathetic gender roles in the society I live in but the more I think of those stereotypes, the more upset I get. Many of these gender roles exist in the West too but they are sadly more prevalent in the Eastern and Middle-eastern countries and are extremely strong in Pakistan.
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For a long time, I was subject to these roles too and am still advised by my elders to behave and live a certain way primarily because I am a woman but fortunately, I am now mature and wise enough to understand what’s right and wrong for me. When I was younger, I always saw my mother and all the married ladies in my family and in other families take care of their husband and kids. None of the married men in those families used to help out their wives in any of the household chores. They even used to ask their wives to hand them everything they needed from a glass of water to their towels.
The ladies in the families didn’t have any professional careers too. If any of them did ever work before their marriage, they used to drop the idea of pursuing it when they got married.
Since I saw this all around me, I imagined myself happily attending to the household chores only when I grew older and hardly thought about finding my unique potential, unleashing it, polishing it and using it to build a meaningful life for myself. I imagined this scenario for a long time and it was only when I started my O’ Levels and came across the life stories influential, strong and powerful women across the globe that I started to understand the dilemma of gender roles. It was then that I began to ponder deeply into this topic and even became conscious of the many problems that were emerging and increasing due to the pressure of sticking to the gender roles set in a society.
Women Weren’t Encouraged to Earn and Pursue a Professional Life
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One of the biggest problems this norm has created is a ban on women to work outside of home and do anything else than the household chores assigned to them. This situation has changed for the better in the West and luckily my country too but sadly, there are still families and societies that prohibit women to pursue their passions and the careers they want.
Previously, women were barred from having a professional life at all. I remember when I was a kid, the elders in my family were of the opinion that the only respectable professions for women were those of ‘doctors’ and ‘teachers.’ Even then, they had to face a lot of pressures to teach or work as doctors. They couldn’t give their best and 100% to their profession and always had to prioritize their families and kids.
Now, don’t get me wrong please. I don’t think its criminal to prioritize your kids and family and that’s wrong to give them all your time. I am a mother of a 3.5 year old and he is my topmost priority in the world. I love him to bits and make sure to give him my 100%. That being said, this is my viewpoint and what I believe in. There are women and people who may think otherwise. There are women who want to build a strong professional career and aren’t ready to start a family as of yet. There are women who want to impact the world. There are women who have talents which if nurtured and refined can help them create revolutions.
The Pressure Forces them to Bottle their Emotions
Each one of us is different and this difference means we have different set of beliefs, ideologies, desires, needs, wishes and dreams. When our society puts certain restrictions on women or even men to behave a certain way, it bars them of their right to live freely and live the way they want to. I know of many women who wished they could pursue engineering, law and sports and those who wished they weren’t forced by their elders to marry when they themselves were teenagers.
The pressure on women to abide by the gender roles set for them often made them bottle their emotions and feelings. I have a friend who wished her parents didn’t force her into marriage when she was only 19. Although, she wasn’t interested in building a professional life for herself but she wasn’t ready for marriage either. Instead, she wanted to grow stronger emotionally and understand herself and her needs better before she allowed someone of the opposite gender to overpower her. Sadly, in my country, men are given the right to overpower and suppress women. Fortunately, this ideology has improved to a great extent but it is yet to vanish away completely.
Unmarried women and married women both, have hardly any say in their family. I remember once my aunt wanted to express her opinion about an issue but her husband quickly silenced her with a mere glance. She knew then that she must get up and leave.If she hadn’t left, her husband would have deemed her disrespectful and may have spoken cruelly to her or even beaten her. Yes, sadly, in my society respect is associated with keeping quiet, not speaking for your rights and silently obeying the men in your family. And it is also associated with not asking your husband to ever help you out with any chore.
The Distorted Idea of Respect
I am 29 and am earning well. I love my professional life and my personal life is great too. My husband doesn’t earn that much but he makes sure to help me with the household chores. I once happened to tell my grandmother about this- my husband helping me out and she did not like the idea that much. Instead of feeling happy for me that I am blessed with a supportive husband, she chose to think otherwise. Her exact words were (she doesn’t speak English so she said it in Urdu- my mother tongue but I am translating it in English): Good girls don’t ask their husbands to do household chores for them. It is okay if he helped you once or twice but don’t make it a routine. You need to respect him and for that, you must take care of the house.’
I was extremely revolted at that time. For a minute, I couldn’t believe what I had heard. She is just one of the many people in this society who don’t let women grow and who make sure gender roles and stereotypes prevail till the end of the world.
The situation isn’t bad just for women. Men have to go through a lot of pressures, obstacles and troubles as well just because of the gender roles set for them.
Men Face Many Obstacles as well
One of the biggest stereotypes that men in my society have to follow is that they must earn and support their family. If you are born a boy, you must grow into a responsible, mature man who must earn a handsome income and if he somehow fails to do that or cannot earn a decent income by the time he reaches 25 or 26, he is labeled as a failure.
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Does it ever occur to you that a man may want something else for him? It is possible for a man to not aspire for a professional career. He may want to take care of his home. Maybe he wants to start his family and take care of the kids while his wife earns. Yes, men can have such aspirations too and if a man does think on these lines, it does not make him lose his masculinity at all.
My husband is an amazing guy. He is smart, funny and above all extremely caring. However, there was a time when he wasn’t as compassionate and considerate as he is now. He too was obstinate and misogynistic like the many men in my society. Although he used to impose unreasonable rules and regulations on me and tried hard to be a chauvinistic, he could not carry on with that artificial behavior for long. Soon he realized he does not connect with such ideals and viewpoints deep down and is a different person from within. Although he had realized his true ideals and beliefs, it took him quite a while to actually follow them because the society thought otherwise.
He was earning fine but our expenses demanded me to help him out with the financial matters. I was good at my work and had luckily discovered the right career for myself which allowed me to earn better than him.For some time, he wasn’t happy with our financial situation too and the fact that I earned more than him. Because of the pressure by the society, he became more depressed than happy for me. He felt inadequate in himself and that he wasn’t good enough which slowly made him succumb to depression. Moreover, since he felt it was my job to look after the house and run all the errands even if I was earning, he didn’t help me out as well. I was always exhausted, always over-burdened and always stressed.
Fortunately, one day my husband stumbled upon some self-help and personal development material that focused on breaking stereotypes, understanding yourselfbetter and becoming a better person. It took him a while to implement that knowledge in real-life and he is still work-in-progress so am I but he is now in a much better place. Now he knows that the rule to conform to gender roles does nothing but weaken your self-esteem so instead of bowing down to the rules set by the society, he has started living life on his terms. Instead of becoming depressed for not earning too much, he is happy that he is now helping out his wife in household chores. Instead of thinking negatively about why it is taking him time to establish himself and doing nothing in the process, he started doing things that he could do. Instead of complaining about things, he started helping me out more with household chores so I could work easily.
Only when he broke the stereotypes set for him by the society and the gender roles that he was supposed to oblige by, he started gaining peace of mind. This is just one of the many stories in our society. Sadly, it is full of many similar stories.
If it is not the pressure of earning more, it is that of working in an industry that is deemed respectable and stable by the society and if not that, it is that boys should not cry. The latter often results in chronic emotional issues that stem from bottling your emotions inside and not venting them out at all.
The husband of a very good friend of mine was working in a bank for the past 11 years. He wasn’t too happy with his job so he decided to switch to another industry and when he did, he faced extreme criticism from his family mainly because the new industry he chose and felt happy with wasn’t considered good enough by the society. Fortunately, he is strong enough to battle those pressures and keep himself from going crazy. But what if he wasn’t strong enough? What if he had some inner demons like my husband that forced him to pay heed to the society? What if he too bowed down to depression? What then?
The people around us need to understand that they cannot pressurize us or compel us to behave, think and live a certain way. If something works for them, that’s great but they should not force others to do the same. We are born free and that gives us the right to live a free life so we can pursue our dreams, aspirations and goals and live a meaningful life.To bring that overall change, we need to begin working from our individual capacity. Observe your behavior and see if you pressurize anyone to conform to certain stereotypical gender roles set for them and if you feel you are burdening someone or even yourself, slowly bring a positive change to it. I know this may not sound something huge but great changes do not always come from doing something big instantly; they are produced by small efforts done consistently. Start with something small and easy and work your way up. You are likely to inspire man to live a free life by your positive actions.
I request you to show some love by upvoting and resteeming this post and also by going on the link below and commenting ‘vote’ right below my comment there. It is a part of the first Spotlight Writing contest and winning it could really help me out with the many problems I’m going through. Thanks a lot for your time and patience.