After hossam left, I made a decision to not be left behind. I decided I wouldn't get attached, I wouldn't try to give more love where it wasn't needed. I set up boundaries in my heart, anyone who walked into my life, I tried hard to not love them as much as I loved you. "once bitten twice shy", I kept saying that to myself each and everytime. I know I shouldn't starve others of what they truly deserve just because someone betrayed me once. But I can't afford to shatter my heart again. Truth is, you've turned me into a very scared and selfish person.
But, I failed, I failed simply because I am not as skilled as you when it comes to walking away. I guess I can't really leave people and I can't really stop caring because I've been on the other side too. I have had those sleepless nights and i have woken up to my own puddle of tears, I have woken up to those heavy mornings. I know what it feels like to cry on the sofa at three in the afternoon, reminiscing, missing someone I truly loved. I have seen people living happily together and I have felt something inside of me break.
I have seen you go, I have seen you walk away from a heart that was beating only for you, I have seen you turn your back on someone who loved you truly. I've seen myself turn into a toxin, a real pain in the ass!, I have been there too. I have been left behind too.
I have tried to be bad, I have tried to take revenge, I have tried to be hard, I have tried to be emotionless, I tried to turn mistress of pain, I have tried to be on the other side but somehow, every time I tried to leave, I could not hold myself from looking back at the heart I would wreck, imagining the pain I'd cause, thinking about the people I would turn into saddist. Every time I tried to leave, I would see a girl trying to pick herself up, watching helplessly as someone left her behind. I saw a girl who looked just like me and I would feel the pain that felt just like your absence.
Every time I tried to walk away, I stayed. I have gone back to people, And as they rested their heads on my shoulder, I can not help but wonder how you could do it to me, how you could move on without looking back, even once!!!