In one of the bookstores, I came across Zelensky by Steven Derix. The book takes a shot at educating the world about the heroic president of Ukraine and teaching people about his life and how an actor turned into a publicly loved and respected man of authority. The book was published in July 2022. Zelensky - the war president. It sits in the "popular" section of this bookstore.
A few days back he signed for more air support in the Kharkiv region. It is safe to say Kharkiv is doing pretty badly. Two days ago the city was flooded, too. I don't remember the last time the city center was flooding. There are constant airstrikes and sirens are ringing almost throughout the day.
Just as the situation in Kharkiv kept getting worse and worse, I got this message from my friend. I am lost for words. But if someone has made up their mind, all I can do as a friend is trying to support them. I tried my best to be there for her...but I also understand how terrible survivor's guilt can be. First few weeks of the war, I was simply so gravitated toward going back myself. Even after coming to the Netherlands, I went through a whole new flare of that feeling - which now I recognize as survivor's guilt.
I never said this before, but I had contacted a driver to take me back from the Netherlands to Ukraine border. Priyan later sorted it out and I stayed back...drowned myself in firewater that night. A lot of people helped, especially Erikah, with it. Helping and volunteering also played a huge part. Now, I don't want to write it in stone, but this friend might still be going through that guilt.
I know the real emotion stuck behind those smiley emojis. I have done it, too. I understand what it feels like to downplay one of the craziest decisions of your life and hide it behind a "smiley". Your head is constantly in a terrible place and you find solace in laughing about it. You try to make it feel like it is a regular normalish thing.
But it is what it is. A personal choice. To leave behind your parents, throw away your life, and do what you strongly feel about. She has decided that at best she can help as a medic. So she is studying. A lot.
Awfully lonely way to live. Not telling your old parents that you are going to leave them behind. Studying and preparing when they aren't watching. It is even more intense because she sent me this picture on her mother's birthday. Right after studying and exercising she went on to prepare for her mother's birthday party. A mother who still doesn't know her daughter is going to the war that nobody wanted. A father that is helping her daughter prepare a birthday party does not know she is going to a war where only the people suffer.
She has made up her mind. I think the last straw was when she lost her "close friend, almost boyfriend". Prior to that, she lost her brother, and of course everything else in Kharkiv.
Working to buy supplies and them along. Go to the war and who knows what after. It is extremely heart breaking what that mad man at the end of the extremely awkward and long table has turned good people's lives into. It is even worse when you know no one will understand what you are going through. Worst when you realize that is the reason you do not want to accept anyone's help or share your problems.
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