At nearly 38 yrs. old I am not looking for Mr. Right, Mr. Wrong, Mr. Right now or even Mr. Right for 5 mins. I’d settle for some old episodes of Bosom Buddies, a pack of gummy worms and my hideously unattractive but warm pair of pajamas. They’re the kind of pajamas that let people know that: “I haven’t had sex in a very long time, I don’t anticipate having any, and I’m ok with that.” I am not the majority though and it got me to thinking about what you dating folk go through.
Call me old fashioned but back when the earth was still cooling and I was still dating, I preferred to meet people sans internet. For those of you that don’t know how to detach from your computers or mobile devices, that means I went out into the really real world and interfaced with other human beings. Today we have a plethora of dating websites to choose from to assist you in meeting your potential forever bed-buddy. Swipe right or left – I have no fucking clue which direction means what; are there instructions or is a working knowledge presumed? It’s all so damn confusing to me but I’ve seen it work for others so I’ll refrain from too much judgement. Just kidding, I can be a sanctimonious bitch and it’s my blog.
I have a theory, please humor me. First dates, as we know, can make or break the chances of getting the opportunity for a second or third date. No second or third date and the chances of you scoring shrink like the male anatomy in cold water, or my libido when I scroll through my Twitter and Facebook inboxes. Why men think caveman come on lines coupled with poorly lit and unattractive selfies will elicit a response from me, I am still struggling to understand, but they’re fun to return to every so often during commercial breaks. Which brings me to my next point.
The reason that first dates fail in my opinion is that not enough time is spent really getting to know your potential mate; especially if your encounter first takes place on-line. You really need to step up your game. This where I ask you guys to indulge me a bit. I like to watch the commercials for prescription medicine and listen attentively for the side effects. That shit is fucking crazy! Have any of you ever really paid attention to that stuff? Anal leakage, thoughts of suicide, temporary blindness, rash, open sores, possible deadly infection…need I go on? Do we really need to do a cost/benefits analysis here? When I start shitting my pants involuntarily [because it’s cool when I do it on purpose] this prescription has ceased being useful to me; I would prefer to deal with the original issue. I digress; I enjoy watching these commercials and anyone that knows anything about me would know this. Know your demographic.
I feel it’s important to invest some time getting to know the individual you intend to date, and that’s why I think you should spend some time stalking them. That’s correct; I said stalk them. Follow your potential mate around for a few weeks; hide in the bushes, go through their trash and invest in some binoculars. If you really want this thing to work, you should put forth a solid effort – they’re worth it and so are you! This is your happiness. Don’t be afraid to ask their friends about what their favorite shows are and buy t-shirts or some other bullshit to wear on that first date. Will you look like a douche? Most assuredly! You’ll also be a douche with more of a chance of having something to talk about - perhaps a shot at a second date. Or, you could creep them the fuck out. Could go either way. Jury is still out on this one; it’s still theory. I’m counting on your research and data.
I’m not shooting down the internet dating scene. I like to catfish as much as the next person, but there’s something about some good old fashioned stalking that just melts my heart. It used to be easier to meet people. If I don’t force myself out of the house to socialize, I’ll end up agoraphobic. It’s too easy for me to settle in to my fugly [not a typo] pajamas and tune out the rest of the world. Before you know it I have diagnosed myself with half a dozen maladies that I’ll require treatment and medication for. Anal leakage and open sores, FTW! Alright, which one of the guys that messaged me still wants to go on that date? Thought not. All I’m saying is that we spend so much time behind the damn keyboard and phone screen that the “personal aspect” of the relationship is never formed properly…in my opinion. Start right, stalk at night.
Because some asshole will take this shit literally, I don’t actually condone stalking, maybe start with just being attentive. But if you’re gonna stalk; do it at night