I am not really very good at expressing myself at the best of times, and this is something that I have not really been able to express eloquently, so I’m hoping using this as my dear diary will help.
To give a quick summary; I thrive and life off starting businesses; bringing an idea to reality or making money off my own back. When I was a kid I’d wash cars, do boot sales or even carol sing to make some money. It gave me a buzz that’s never left me. I was in control of that.
I started out trying to realize that “startup” dream back in 2014 now. Christ, it’s been too long, but hey. I started with me and an idea and roped in a very good friend from Uni. He was bought into the idea and where we wanted to be so off we went. We were a startup!
It’s laughable looking back, but that shows what we’ve learnt since that time. Of course none of us could afford to drop our main paying jobs for this, so we working our evenings and weekends building the next thing to change the world. Zuckerberg, we’re coming.
We also had no funding. My cofounder worked for nothing (and still does; your faith in me and what we do will never be forgotten), and I paid for everything we needed out of my own pocket. I still do. Though it’s not just my pocket; I have a family. A wife and 3 kids. Thankfully a very understanding wife and very supportive of all I do.
Sure, I’ve fucked up along the way. Done things I wish I hadn’t, wasted money in places I know now I didn’t need to. Chased things I should have left, but fuck it’s a learn. No one is there to tell you what to do. It’s you. Not only that, it’s you and the opinions of shit loads of people around you, from peers, mentors and friends with opinions that you have to intently listen to and then decide what the fuck you need to do.
Knowing full well that there is not other person to point to. No one else to ask or blame. That shits on you.
Now, if you know me, I’d be the first to say that it’s all about the attitude. Just get shit done. Don’t moan, execute. Suck it up princess and do shit.
Yet recently I’ve really started to struggle to take my own advice.
I’ve spent every single penny of our saving and more on what I do. We are so finely on the cusp of being fucked, it is painful. I have to say I haven’t done this blindly, we have a lot of interest in what we do, people asking to use us and it really is all picking up, but with long sales cycles it’s very hard. But as a family we went all in.
All on you, Ross. We’re all in.
Now, I’ve had some blips along the way. Really, I’ve broken down in tears unsure about how I am going to cope and how I can do it. Sometimes it gets too much. I’ve always been Able to, with the help of my wife, shake it off and pull through.
Recently though I’ve had a lot to battle with setbacks and again, I’ve felt like I was going to lose it all. When I say lose it all, I mean really just superficial stuff. I still have my family, and always will, so it’s really all just “stuff” but tell that to your head you’re battling with.
That lack of control or build up has recently been just so hard to shake. And it’s now effecting me outside of this too. No matter what’s going on, I feel disconnected from myself and like I’m unable to get over whatever the fuck it is I need to get over.
All I want to do is tell myself how thankful I am for all the good in my life, but it doesn’t seem to help. I feel like a ruler that’s been bent too far and it won’t go back to its proper shape.
I’ve scared myself lately with things that go through my head, and that’s really why I’m writing this down. I struggle to voice things and I’m the worst for bottling up feelings. I just don’t know how to actually say the words. This feels easier.
When you have thoughts going through your head about whether your family can live off your life insurance you know you have fucking issues. Shit is fucked. I know it is. Scares the shit out of me, it really does.
No one sells you this shit. No one prepares you for the emotional strain you’re going to potentially face when you embark on your startup journey. You don’t see that shit. Why would you? That isn’t glamorous enough for the internet.
I don’t want to be a statistic. I won’t be. I’m going to make sure that I deal with everything I’m feeling or struggling with inside. I don’t really know how yet, but I have a lot of people around me willing to help. My first step I think is to admit I’m struggling.
Again, this isn’t supposed to be anything more than a way for me to offload, but in that I hope anyone else dealing with shit on their own bigger than themselves, can feel like they can say something. It’s not a weakness, which is what I’ve felt. It’s why I struggle. But it’s not. We just need to be more open about this.
If you’ve been through anything like this I’d love to know how you managed to cope more!