He asked me what I've been doing? Then accused me "I don't know what your are doing, you don't tell me what's going on..." Then I realize, oh wait that's not the real reason for the question, its actually the opening comment the segues into accusations about how I did him wrong..."you where really shitty to me" "why don't you speak up for me when others say mean things to me".
I think to myself "why would I? you don't belong to me or with me anymore...you choose someone else." Then the list of hurt overwhelms me. I didn't get this way because I felt loved and cherished, I got this way because I felt insecure and used. I don't stand up for him because its the only way I can retain any of my self esteem. In a twisted way, I get to say through another's actions "You hurt me, I am not wrong ,and I am not the only one who has an issue with how you are acting".
He's not letting go. And I can't seem to let go either. It's not healthy to continue this relationship. We still share too many assets - we haven't completely separated out lives, so the conversations are inevitable. They are hurtful.
What am I doing? The past year, I can't believe that much time has passed. I've been so stuck and in my own way it's impossible to measure how much I've lost.
I've spent the last year barely surviving. My energy is spent making others believe I am okay and will get through this. I am inconsistent. I don't want to talk to anyone. I can't focus on anything or anyone. I've spent my time hiding my pain. I am not working and don't have a consistent means of employment.
My depression and immobility is so deep that it effects my livelihood. I am barely able to buy food, and might be thrown out of my house shortly. I am taxing all my friendships asking them for money because I've used up all my savings. My family is so worried and trying to help...they really love me unconditionally. I have to do better for them.
I didn't know I loved you so deeply that it would break me.