Good, but I think that You should rework formatting.
Paragraphs are needed. More line breaks too. Illustrate with pics (max 2 or 3).
The story is cool but difficult to read.
I see you posted it 4 times without a lot of success.
Read on google how to write using MARKUP if you don't like the editor.
Just a piece of advice...
Cheers
RE: Tarnished Silverlake, CA