Now we are looking at the dynamics of a relationship leading to marriage. The beginning of courtship or a relationship leading to marriage is proposal and the acceptance of the proposal. Note that if you don’t know when and where a proposal was given and accepted, you are not in a relationship.
This period which is the courtship period, is a very crucial stage of the entire journey. This is because this is where the foundation for your marriage is laid. What goes into this stage will doubtless affect the marriage relationship.
Your courtship time will give you a clue about the marriage.
Having said all that I want you to know that courtships are not recognized in heaven. It is only when it becomes marriage that it is registered. This means that courtships are not sacrosanct and can be stopped. I personally believe that it is better to break a relationship than to break a marriage.
Apart from all that, one fact is that the courtship period is a microcosm of the marriage itself. Therefore whatever you see in your partner during courtship, you must expect to see double when you get married. If your man likes insulting you in courtship, he might beat you up in marriage. If your woman doesn’t really value you in courtship, expect twice of that in marriage.
Also don’t deceive yourself into thinking that he or she will change when you marry. That is a delusion.
When a proposal is given and it is accepted, the relationship has started. Now, there are certain things you must do.
i. COMMIT IT TO GOD: This is very important. God is interested in everything that concerns us. Even though courtship is not recognized in heaven, God knows all about it and He is not against it. Therefore, the two of you should commit the journey to God. Ask Him to take the center stage. Ask for strength, wisdom and self-control.
ii. INFORM YOUR PARENTS: Secret courtship will not help you. You must let your parents be aware. You must get your spiritual father involved by asking him to provide you with covering and so that you can be accountable to him. Beware of ladies and gentlemen who avoid meeting your spiritual father.
iii. HAVE A MARRIAGE MENTOR: As part of forming accountable relationships, choose a couple who are obviously enjoying their marriage as your mentor and establish a relationship with them. Personally, I think your marriage mentor should have been married for at least five years.
iv. DRAW THE BOUNDARIES: Like I said, the courtship process is not recognized in heaven. This means till you marry, God sees the two of you as just best friends. Therefore, all the rules that apply to singles apply to you. I will talk about boundaries later.
Having a beautiful marriage is not by accident. It takes hard work. I always compare marriage to a garden which needs to be cultivated. If you don’t work it, weeds will naturally spring up.
The time of courtship is a time when we learn the art of tending and keeping the garden.
As we relate with each other, we will be helping each other to grow and become all that God destined him or her to become.
There are some areas of our lives and relationship that need to be developed and sharpened during the courtship period. I choose to categorize them under three broad headings; Heart, Head, Hand.
HEART (Spiritual empowerment)
This is the most important aspect of building a relationship leading to marriage. If you compromise on this part, it is a cinch that the foundation of your future marriage has been compromised.
The heart is the center of our spiritual lives.
The courtship period is supposed to be used to help each other grow in his or her spiritual life. The Bible says;
Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of the of his friend (NKJV).
It is the man who is supposed to take the initiative when it comes to spiritual things. If your man has to be forced or cajoled into spiritual stuff, you have a problem lurking when you marry. In marriage, it is the man who is supposed to be the teacher. He is supposed to wash the woman with the washing of the water by the Word(Ephesians 5:25-26). So the man had better learn to do that now than wait to do it in marriage.
You can help each other spiritually through a number of ways including the following;
i. Spend time studying the Bible together: This is very important. It is the man who must lead the discussion but each should contribute. You can do it on phone if time and phone credit will allow. However, if you are closer geographically, like say, on the same campus, you can arrange to meet somewhere and do it.
ii. Read Christian literature and exchange them: One sure way to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus (2Pet 3:18) is by reading Christian literature and listening to sermons on cds, dvds etc. After reading a book or listening to a tape, pass it to your partner and collect what he or she also has to give. This was a practice of the early Church in the Bible (Colossians 4:16).
iii. Go for Christian programs together when it is possible.
iv. Be part of a group where you can meet other Christians
v. Share dreams and visions
vi. Set aside times of prayer and sometimes fasting to pray into your marriage.