Last week I decided to step back from Steemit. I thought I was done. Why? It's complicated.

I don't want to be the drama blogger. The emotion spiller. Even though I am a storm of emotion with legs and rationality is not my forte, to say the least. It's not how I'd like to be viewed, partly because I am kind of ashamed of that part of myself. I think it shows off as annoying and week and results in others looking at me with pity and despise. I also felt I lost my credibility in the eyes of folks I consider to be the alpha and omega of the community. If you deceive in the little how can you be trusted in the big? This was all a real struggle: the dance between what I am and how I'd like to be perceived.

Last month was, as you know, pretty turbulent and hard. I felt like I was driven to a wall with no way out. And then when some solutions presented themselves it was choosing from an array of bad decisions. One of those was concerning one of my rabbits' which I had to gave up and I tried to pretty it up while talking to a friend. Well, we have a saying in Croatia, liars have short legs. So I got caught and I was very much ashamed of my self and my deeds. I have had a hard time finding peace with my best worst choices. The choice was bad for the bunny and bad for me but it was the best for my family and other pets given the circumstances and his growing aggression. None of that is an excuse for what I have done or the lie I uttered. And it is a shitty feeling to be caught lying for something. Especially if you pride yourself on telling the truth. Most of the time that is. I thought to my self if you were caught lying now how can you be trusted in other stuff you say? And so I felt I had lost the credibility to write here. But a week off and a lot of introspection made me realise a few things:

Steemit is a family affair

I came to the platform because of my husband and he was rooting for me not to quit. ''Everybody lies on the platform'' he says. While that may be the case I think it's no excuse. I don't need to be like everybody. But his faith in me and support he gave me and, in the end, his motivation to own my mistakes and be the best I can be is a true motivation.

I feel obligated to contribute

Once I got a SBD in a great Hive account@yasminep contest. And I promised her I'll give it back to the community. And I haven't forgotten it I just haven't figure out how to do it yet. You should really follow her, she is truly exceptional!

Meanwhile, I got a third Curie support

For the third time this year I got noticed and supported by Curie curators. This actually happened after I made the decision to step back and it really got me by surprise. And the curator said something that really got me rethinking my decision: ** Persistence is required.**

The community

Support and love I got from some of you like Hive account@svarozich, Hive account@gingergeorge, Hive account@zen-art or Hive account@rita0404 meant the world. I have this outsider syndrome in lots of stuff in life. Like if I go to church I always stand in the back, when I was volunteering with Roda I never felt like I was one of them I just thought of myself as a contributor to the cause. Same when I came to Steemit. I always have the feeling of Steemit being Hive account@dumar022 's or Hive account@moon32walker 's community I just happen to occasionally participate in. I even feel awkward participating in discord discussions because I don't have a feeling of belonging. But seeing folks being supportive and interact with me because of them liking my work made me feel fuzzy feelings. I'm kidding. But I felt humbled and flattered.

The benefits

The therapeutic aspect of writing and creating for Steemit has been huge. The emotional outlet I have writing about the mess in my head and my mental health struggles with depression and panic attacks helps me self-manage it. But that's not the only thing: The whole concept of content creation, combining different social media into a wholesome product, is very fun and enjoyable for me. Also, I can not deny the financial benefit. I have a limited array of jobs to choose from due to my spinal fluid leaks. I tried returning back to gardening but physical work makes my illness worsen and harder to manage. The prospect of working from home is ideal but not financially sufficient. And that's where the SBD part comes in. It allows me to continue work from home and keep my illness under control until I see how I will proceed with my treatment.

Finishing what you started

I had started two challenges: 100 Happy days and 7-day music challenge and I'd like to finish them. I also have some cool series I wrote in like Books Rock or The Terrible Housekeeper. The ideas are plenty and inspiration is all around. This may be a selfish reason for continuing with my work here but I'm really like to finish all of those and see where they take me.

Live Authenticly

I came over to Instagram due to better connecting to some of my favourite Steemers like Hive account@ameliabartlett and Hive account@ashleykalila and it was Hive account@ashleykalila 's new campaign of authentical living offline and online that contributes largely to the perspective I end up taking on about this whole self-created mess. I know no one would blink an eye in my place but the way I was disappointed in my self for getting tangled up in a web while trying to get out of this horrible period in my life was pretty severe in my head. No Netflix is a match to the scenarios and scripts I end up creating in my own head. Overthinking can seriously harm your health.

Be who you want them to see

But the tipping point of piling reasons for returning Steemit and what made me chew on my pride and come back so quickly was that I tried to see this situation from a parenting perspective: What kind of message would this be sending to my kids? I mean, they do not see or notice what's happened with me as a Steemian but just on a general level I's like to do what I'd like them to do and what I do encourage them to do:

1. Tell the truth (even when it's better late than never)
2. If you screw up, own it
3. It does not matter how many times you fall it's how many times you pick your self back up
4. Don't quit your dreams
5. Don't walk away from what you enjoy doing
6. Finish what you started
7. Be authentic

The Redemption Song

So I decided to own up to the mess I made, not let my self down ever again in this manner: The truth, the truth and nothing but the truth and continue where I stopped. I can only give my best and let you decide if it's authentic enough. Redemption for my sins.