I posted this back in June and tbh I feel it was my breakout piece. And by breakout piece I don't necessarily mean monitarily (still waiting for that, actually.) What I mean is, it got the creative juices flowing in my head, allowed me to vent, didn't pressure me to be positive when I didn't feel like it, and reminded me that I can't keep running away from my problems. In addition, it helped me start to express myself better in my writing and while speaking.
I'm still struggling with depression, as anyone who read my post last week can easily tell, but since I've been expressing myself through writing more over the past couple months, I'm able to pull out of my slumps faster and for longer periods. I really think this piece kickstarted the healing process for me.
Here it is:
Photo source: pixabay.com
Being positive, for me, is often an ironic experience because I am not naturally an optimist. The truth is, I’m a dark, dark person and I’ve always been afraid to admit that – especially to myself.
I’ve written a couple articles here that present me as an upbeat, happy, forgiving person; probably one of those obnoxious people who always seem to find the good in everyone and everything. You know, a person who will gladly turn the other cheek after getting slapped; a person who will forgive even the most unforgivable, devious actions.
At work, I’m the one who showers everyone with a warm smile and good morning greeting, even on my worst days. I’m the one people ask for advice because, they say, I have my life together. They think I know all the answers. They never ask how I'm doing, probably because I must be doing great, judging by my smile.
What they don’t know about me is not hurting them, but it’s hurting me.
What if I’m a weak, passive-aggressive introvert who can’t stand up for myself? What if I do the opposite of what I tell everyone they should be doing? While I try to spit out positivity to everyone I meet, what if the truth is that I’m a hypocritical, cynical liar? Why am I wearing a mask?
I’m still trying to find my voice here on Steemit and with that quest has come immense internal struggle. Not because I’m frustrated that whales don’t upvote my posts. Not because people leave comments when they clearly didn’t even read what I spent valuable time and headspace writing. (I’m too nice to downvote those people BTW). Not because most people on here know all about cryptocurrencies and blockchains when I have no clue how they work. No, not any of those things. Those things will probably change with time and effort, I guess.
My time so far on Steemit has catapulted me into a darker place because it’s encouraging me to dig into who I am and ask myself what I’m doing with my life – in order to create quality content. It’s causing me to face things I have spent a lifetime avoiding. After all, I can’t just post cat memes and expect to be rewarded. I’m not a cat person anyway.
This dark place is uncomfortable and paralyzing. Why is it that a goddamn social media site is forcing me to face the demons in my head and work through them? Since when did social media become therapy?
I see how the platform works in general. It rewards hard work. It rewards excellence. It rewards passion. It rewards hobbies, talent, and skill.
What if I have no hobbies, talent, or skill? I can’t decide if I’m being dead honest with myself or if it’s my depressed ego talking. <-- That is just an example of one of the crippling, self-demoralizing thoughts that have been going through my head lately. Yeah, it sounds ignorant that I would think such a thing, now that I see it typed out in front of me.
If I’m honest with myself, I have so much to work through internally before I can finally blossom as a person, not to mention on Steemit. I can feel the pain of my past gushing from the pores in my skin as I type this. I’m ridding myself of the toxins that have built up during the past 32 years.
If you’re reading this, you will probably have to put up with several more awkward posts before I get into my stride and act like a normal person. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm not a normal person. I've always been told to fake it until I make it and to stop being so negative. Well, I haven't made it yet. What now??
While I'm figuring all that out, I hope you enjoy the dark side. Fuck you, positivity.