It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know
about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it
came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being
tortured. I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind,
that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still
free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive
them. It doesn't sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and
bite of the chain, when it's all you've got, that freedom is a
universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating
and forgiving, can become the story of your life.
In my case, it's a long story, and a crowded one. I was a
revolutionary who lost his ideals in heroin, a philosopher who
lost his integrity in crime, and a poet who lost his soul in a
maximum-security prison. When I escaped from that prison, over
the front wall, between two gun-towers, I became my country's
most wanted man. Luck ran with me and flew with me across the
world to India, where I joined the Bombay mafia. I worked as a
gunrunner, a smuggler, and a counterfeiter. I was chained on
three continents, beaten, stabbed, and starved. I went to war. I
ran into the enemy guns. And I survived, while other men around
me died. They were better men than I am, most of them: better men
whose lives were crunched up in mistakes, and thrown away by the
wrong second of someone else's hate, or love, or indifference.
And I buried them, too many of those men, and grieved their
stories and their lives into my own.
But my story doesn't begin with them, or with the mafia: it goes
back to that first day in Bombay. Fate put me in the game there.
Luck dealt the cards that led me to Karla Saaranen. And I started
to play it out, that hand, from the first moment I looked into
her green eyes. So it begins, this story, like everything else-- with a woman, and a city, and a little bit of luck. The first thing I noticed about Bombay, on that first day, was the smell of the different air. I could smell it before I saw or heard anything of India, even as I walked along the umbilical corridor that connected the plane to the airport. I was excited and delighted by it, in that first Bombay minute, escaped from prison and new to the wide world, but I didn't and couldn't recognize it. I know now that it's the sweet, sweating smell of hope, which is the opposite of hate; and it's the sour, stifled smell of greed, which is the opposite of love. It's the smell of gods, demons, empires, and civilizations in resurrection and decay. It's the blue skin-smell of the sea, no matter where you are in the Island City, and the blood-metal smell of machines. It smells of the stir and sleep and waste of sixty million animals, more than half of them humans and rats. It smells of heartbreak, and the struggle to live, and of the crucial failures and loves that produce our courage. It smells of ten thousand restaurants, five thousand temples, shrines, churches, and mosques, and of a hundred bazaars devoted exclusively to perfumes, spices, incense, and freshly cut flowers. Karla once called it the worst good smell in the world, and she was right, of course, in that way she had of being right about things. But whenever I return to Bombay, now, it's my first sense of the city–that smell, above all things–that welcomes me and tells me I've come home.
...