Well, it's been over a year now since I said to my estranged husband, that I'd had enough of this 'mere existence' with him (or words to that effect), stuck permanently in a rut, daily dramas over nothing, every day the same, going nowhere.
I had tried to help him (and me) succeed in life, instead of being stuck in the daily doldrums, but ultimately that needed to come from him, I know that now, a few too many years too late. And also that my dreams weren't his and would never will.
Anyway, this time last year, he was still here as he got the children to beg me to change my mind, so we had decided to try again again, until April, but as my post tomorrow about family protection will explore, that didn't happen.
In a nutshell, he was/is toxic (and truth be told so was I to him).
Toxic people take your energy, all of it if you let them, especially if you are more on the empathetic side, and they are at the opposite end of the spectrum and are unbendable narcissists.
Sometimes to move on it is necessary to remove them from your life, or just get as far away from them as possible. You have to consider the costs yourself, even if it affects other people (like in my case the children).
I didn't like me at all last year, I was permanently miserable and stressed out and I discovered making him a morning cup of coffee had become a chore, not a loving gesture.
I pretended for a long time that everything was okay and it became blatantly obvious it was not. I'm not going to go into details, but it resulted in multiple daily petty arguments that turn into shouting matches that became about 'winning' the point. It takes two to argue - we had just run our cause, we were 'toxic' to each other and brought out each other's worst traits.
I'm quite enjoying find out who I am now and making improvements to my weaknesses. But I am thankful I can better see toxic people for who they are now (still not failproof, as I discovered at the end of last year).
A daily area, I run into and for the most part manage to avoid is the chat in the playgrounds, whilst dropping off the kids.
Why is no-one ever happy???!!!
Going to children's birthday parties is the worse. I can sometimes get away with leaving both the girls at a party now and disappear and pray that they will behave, but staying you will find out who done this, who fell out with who, what this person said, how rubbish the school is and how unfair life is and it seriously does my head in.
I end up looking really rude as I walk away, or get absorbed by my mobile 'working', or I'll start talking about Steemit or Crypto and watch their eyes glaze over. I might be a single mother and on welfare and not the best conversationalist in the world, but I don't really give a damn what they think. All things I am working on (well the welfare and conversation parts anyway).
There was a time I did care and I made a big effort to try and get into the clique of mums that included the mother of Hazel's best friend, as it sort of made sense to at least try.
But it didn't really work. So now, for the most part, I walk to and from school with the girls in my own world, I might nod in acknowledgment or smile, but I do not want to part of that fake world.
I feel like that I am the only alive one in that playground. I am a light, their senses have been stubbed out by society. I am daring to step away from the norm and it is paying off.
I am on a winning path. They can carry on being in their bubbles and not exploring the greater world.
My love, hope and hugs will be saved for people who choose to help themselves, not on people who bring others down.
Even here on Steemit the toxicity can show...
My followers' list may look over 200, but I have just selected 10 or so people to support (GINAbot will let me know when they post) with consistent comments and upvotes because these are the people I believe in most and have helped me most on my journey too.
I will also reward decent comments, with an upvote an/or an answer, but I will ignore daft comments that have no thought or substance because these people are not helping themselves by learning how to succeed on Steemit.
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