The “honeymoon period,” or the first steps of a new relationship, is a period of excitement and bliss. You might experience a tingling sensation all over with your first kiss or feel as if you have butterflies in your stomach when your new lover holds you.
But this honeymoon period seldom lasts long. If you’re lucky, it may span a few years or sadly, come to an end after just a few months.
When a relationship loses its initial spark, couples often experience their first conflicts. Previously unnoticed traits of a partner are now hard to ignore; long-known and once-loved habits become annoying. An emotional gap opens up between partners and deepens with each passing day.
How can you preserve your love and save a relationship that is at risk of falling apart?
people often end up with partners who are similar to their parents. Most of us, however, would vehemently deny this when it comes to our own relationships.
Yet this is what happens! Unconsciously, we’re all trying to recreate our childhood environment. Nowhere is this more evident than at the beginning of a relationship.
The ideal caregiver often resembles our parents and meets our every need. And because we are unconsciously seeking a person who reminds us of that caregiver, the Imago figure influences us when we are selecting a partner.
However, there’s another desire that affects our choice of partner.
We are also attracted to opposites, because in doing so, we work to regain traits that we lost when we entered adulthood.
We all know couples who seemingly couldn’t be more different. One is loud, the other is quiet. One is hyper-organized while the other couldn’t be more scatterbrained.
The reason that such relationships work is that each partner longs for a sense of wholeness. As your personality develops and you leave your childhood behind, you also lose that sense of completeness.
The way to get it back is to have an “opposite” in your life.
Commitment is the first step to a good long term relationship, you may not realize it, by not fully committing to a relationship, you are essentially keeping an escape route open so you can leave it.
In fact, people are constantly looking for ways out of relationships, if only temporarily. When partners engage in activities separately, they give up the opportunity to spend time together and strengthen the relationship.
Whether it’s playing golf, going to the movies, socializing with friends or browsing social media, people often look for enjoyment outside of a relationship. While it’s good to have hobbies, the motivation to tend the garden or go for a jog can mask a desire to avoid a partner.
To counteract this desire, the author developed the Imago therapy program. In this program, couples are encouraged to block their exit routes and spend 12 weeks of quality time together; The aim of dedicating three months to meaningful communication is to build a stronger relationship. And the program works, as couples who completed it were highly likely to stay together afterward.
To be continued...