It was another sweltering day in Oaxaca.
I'd picked up a pre-rolled blunt from my dealer Antón.
I expected him to lace it with a little glass or sand, but it was a risk worth taking.
I just couldn't roll my own blunt.
My fat fingers made the task impossible!
Anyways, I lit my blunt, took a hit, and headed over to the local bar 'La Puta'.
Barging through the unhinged doors, I greeted my companions.
"Ehhh! Que paso Carlito! Chanchoooo. What it do? El Diablo como estas?"
"You still smoking on that glass blunt whiteboy?" Diablo chuckled.
"Ehhh, don't whiteboy me Diablo, cantchu see my tan? Migo, I'm turnin' into a naranja!"
The crowd of bored drunkards roared with laughter.
Sniff-sniff. Sniff-sniff.
"Do I smell...Sour Diesel?" whispered a grave voice.
"Well, laced with some fajita spice mix and sand. But yeah, sure." I replied.
He took a swig from a golden flask. What followed were bizarre facial contortions.
"Jesus Christ. These nuns at the convent can't even make decent moonshine." he lamented.
"Come over and let me take hit."
A bit rude, I thought, but whatever.
I took another deep hit, before passing the blunt over to him.
"What's your name then?" I asked.
"Can't you see? I'm Pope Francis."
Woah.
He then turned his head towards me, so that I could have a better look.
It was indeed Pope Francis!
In his pious white-haired magnificence...
"O-M-G! I'm such a fan! Your bachelor pad is sooooo pimped out. All gold and shit." I poured out.
"Cool story bro. Let me hit that B." he replied.
Pope Francis hits blunt.
"Hey! Don't be selfish. Cost me over 100 pesos!" I objected.
He proceeded to take two more hits, then passed it back.
"So, how is it over at the Vatican?" I asked.
He sighed.
"Same shit. Nuns bitchin' about priests, and priests bitchin' about me."
"Oh! How come he gets to have the golden ladle? 'Cus I'm the pope bitch!" he vented.
"These suckas always whinin'. Like, bro, if I'm here it's for divine reasons. Like on some cosmic shit.
Don't be hatin' just cause you're stuck doing confirmation for toddlers. Sprinklin' water on their foreheads and shit..."
Puff-puff-pass. Pope picked up the blunt and hit it.
"Phew. Maybe that moonshine is finally hitting me, or that blunt is the shit! You see, I stopped some smoking when I was ordained. It's the only thing I miss more than sex. " he commented.
"Anyways, I've gotta head off. Busy day, gospel of Christ - world peace - you know the drill."
He returned the blunt and he made to stand up.
"One quick question Pope!" I exclaimed.
"Sure. I'm blazed as all hell, so might as well."
"I've heard some stories about Vatican nuns. José over there, told me they love to party. Is it true?"
I asked earnestly.
He smirked.
"Nothing stronger than piety ;) "