For immediate release
WORLDWIDE, Aug. 7, 2016
Stock exchanges and currency markets both crypto- and non- are expected to halt shortly after opening on Monday as the world collectively realizes in one sublime, collective epiphany that a ragtag group of geniuses has, in fact, saved the world. Steemit, derided by some within the echo chamber as a borderline Ponzi scheme or "just another pump-and-dump" will have been vindicated as the true savior of mankind until the return of Jesus. Though designed as a simple system that pays authors and their audiences for their contributions with its own cryptocurrency, called "Steem," the ingenuity that went into the project has in fact culminated in achieving economic perfection.
While some critics still take issue with the fact that not all users have equal voting power and the content at the top of the front page largely results from the whim of "whales" or high-trust, high-volume contributors, the alternative is communism. World leaders are expected to adopt this model immediately and apply it as the basic system of commerce for everything from supermarkets to gas stations to Chinese delivery. Scores of job-seeking entrepeneurs are expected to swarm pizza places globally as they vie against each other for the biggest tips and upvotes from the most frequent delivery customers, using a brand-new cryptocurrency called Peeza that is tradeable on most exchanges.
"This model is so effective, we've just been put to shame," said Federal Reserve chairperson Janet Yellen on Sunday. "We're so embarrassed. We're just going to go audit ourselves quietly."
A buzz was generated on Twitter at the news that although we still aren't sure who Satoshi Nakamoto really is, he was found dead on Saturday and the coroner has ruled it a suicide. "He was such a bright boy, but he couldn't cope with somebody else finding such an elegant solution to the world's problems," his mother told reporters, adding, "I, for one, welcome our new AnCap overlords."
German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who has been on the rocks after a series of unfortunate events that she caused, is expecting to become an early adopter in order to save herself and the country she once tried to destroy. "We have found the solution to the refugee crisis," she said in a speech early Sunday morning. "We are going to get all the refugees, even the ones we can't find, and have them write articles about this platform called Steemit on that same platform. They will have jobs and everyone wins." When asked to clarify how exactly that works, she smiled and waved. If Steemit can win over even the most ardent of socialists, it is probably as great as it seems.
The full transition from the various modes of commerce and government is expected to take just a few short months, with holdouts like North Korea and some unimportant islands expected to be won over soon after, whether they like it or not. However this remarkable turn of events plays out, Brazil will never host the Olympics again.
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